My body tells me when I’m doing something as an obligation, and it shows up as tension - most often around my collarbones.
Last week my therapist asked if I was doing so much recently out of obligation. I very confidently replied no. I’m not saying everything I do is out of pure good will, but obligation isn’t in there. This round, I’m led by the feeling of having the honor of xyz. I volunteer to do all these things, because I WANT to spend my energy that way.
Being in self-consent has been such a long journey and continues to be. It’s exhausting to function from a place of guilt and obligation, and I’m SO over it. Honestly, I don’t care if it seems selfish. I try not to appease other people at the expense of my own consent.
Also, I try not to appease myself…let’s get into it.
There’s this perfectionistic part of me that is very strict, and I feel this pull to appease that part of myself. (I’m not sure if “part of myself” is the best wording.) The pull is acting like a righteous version of myself that isn’t accurate to who I am right now. I’m all for projecting forward what I want to see, but this is like the shadow version of it. This is the personal integrity part that I wrote about last time. Now that I’m hashing it out, what I’m describing is just another font of perfectionism.
One of the key parts of releasing myself from doing things out of obligation is accepting that it might make me look selfish. In a way, it is! I’m centering myself and not other people’s expectations of me. The older I am, the more I see that people’s reactions to me are mostly mirrors to themselves. Not to get it twisted - this is totally different from holding myself accountable to harming people. The main difference is people having a negative reaction to me doing me (no harm or hurt present.)
Just a few things I don’t fully consent to:
* having to labor in order to pay the bills
* being on stolen land
* having to use technology and be in cars/planes that have parts that are mined by Congolese folks unethically
* the reality that basically everything is sourced unethically
* existing under capitalism, imperialism, white supremacy, ableism lol
Back to why I’m do THE MOST (as a 34 yr old) right now - I feel energy right now. I can’t promise that it will be there tomorrow or next week, but as the energy comes - I’m going to follow. Is this volume sustainable? No, but I’m not claiming to sustain it. I’m trying to ride the waves and be less controlling about it. It’s really a huge experiment that’s informed by alot of input from theory and my f**k it-who cares-only-a-few-things-matter attitude.
Every day, I observe and listen to my body. I slept for 12 hours last night, and my body thanked me today. My legs were sore today from being on my feet for more than 5 hours yesterday. And my neck and shoulders are alittle tight today. My body wanted to rest today, and that’s what we did.
Not related, but kind of related…as I’m dating right now I have this new thing of feeling weird if people have seen me online. Every time I meet someone I might date, I hope they don’t recognize me from instagram. So embarrassing if they do! I’m afraid they have some sort of expectation of me if they’ve seen me talk on social media. It’s not that what I put out there isn’t me…it’s that it’s such a small sliver of me. From personal experience, it’s too easy to create an unrealistic fantasy of a person from the small material they give you. Anyways, I have so many thoughts about dating - let me know if you want to hear more of them.
Alright, my body is telling me to stop writing and get cozy in bed and to eat chocolate cake from portillos.
What does Liberatory Imagination spark in me today?
Tuning into alignment with so much respect for my body. If my body wants to go fast, I let her run. If she’s tired, we rest. If she is sad, we cry in bed. No judgement on the speed. No need to control.
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