Let’s do a quick recap of the past month and a half. I got back from my rest “break” mid February - took two full weeks to acclimate back. Top of March, I jumped right into my “manic” state of doing EVERYTHING. I said yes to it all. It was an incredible high. This past week I felt the energy slowly drop as my pms was striking. I still was active being involved in projects and organizing, but not as intensely. Now, I’m actively bleeding and feeling as grounded as I can be especially since the pms symptoms are gone. Phew.
Why did the past month feel like 10 years? I always think about how time is non linear, and recently it’s so OBVIOUS.
Looking back (haha I love being nostalgic of the very near past), I’m so grateful to witness myself wobbling into the unknown. When I felt that energy, I really went for it, and when it started dropping, I slowed down. I can trust myself. I can trust myself. I can trust myself.
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In the past two days, I’ve felt pangs of grief and rage as we witnessed the siege and violence committed to the people in Al Shifa hospital. The images. The reality…that the IOF bulldosed people alive. It’s so sickening. The evilness that they are committing is maddening. And this post…about a little boy who is around 10…a journalist asked him why there was blood dripping out of his backpack, and he said his 5 year old brother Ahmed was in there…
How can anyone be witnessing the same thing and not want to be determined to fight for a Free Palestine, Congo, Sudan, and our liberation???? This colonial terror is happening everywhere!!
I feel these deep pangs of grief and rage. And in between them, I’ve been feeling actually ok. When I feel that, I get worried I’m losing touch with reality. Because as I’ve been writing, how can we be remotely ok right now?? The feeling isn’t guilt per se. Although, I sometimes feel that too. It’s more like - am I being numb and desensitized? I’m feeling more grounded, but that seems suspicious.
How can I feel grounded while people are being flattened and murdered by being bulldozed. While children are mining minerals with their bare hands. While millions on millions of people are being displaced and starving. How can I feel grounded?
My logical mind says: because you have to find stability from time to time if you want to resist. If you want to be well enough to disrupt or support the resistance through disseminating information, you have to not be in a state of stress ALL the time. Enough from my logical mind.
Also, now that I’m writing it out, I wonder if it’s connected with healing from my upbringing. I used to feel that suspicion…or maybe a version of this when things were going TOO well. Weirdly well. And I would be anxious waiting for the other shoe to fall. Growing up, I would feel scared to be excited to do something or have something, because I learned that it would depend on the mood of my parent. It could be taken from me any moment. It took me a long time and so much therapy to not feel like that every time something went well. Oh the trauma of growing up in an unstable household! Fun stuff.
Today I did the dishes finally, and I’m so proud of myself. My apartment is such a reflection of my state of being. It’s been hard keeping up with the maintenance of my space, because everything else has been so pressing…or I get stuck in bed with my phone. Haha maybe I’m not as grounded as I think.
I hope no one reads this last part, but I felt the feeling of having a crush the other day. Having a crush is so great. I love feeling it, because it reminds me of what’s possible. Crushes are so fun and also so deliciously delusional. You can be really swept away by nothing real. Creating the possibilities of what can be from a far is pretty fun.
That’s it for now. More updates about my state of mind/soul next time.
What does Liberatory Imagination spark in me today?
The possibility of bending time so much that it brings people back to life. Returns simple childhoods to children. Returns daydreams and crushes back to lovers. Returns growing into old age to 20 something year olds. Returns kitchens, living rooms, and rooftops to families. Returns siblings back to siblings.
(Below: prompts used in my Liberatory Imagination Workshop)
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