I’ve been on an energy high in the past two weeks, and it has peaked. It’s coming down! I’ve sent 3 too many texts in the recent days that says “I’m drowning.” I’m realizing how dramatic I sound, and I promise it’s actually not that dire. It mostly feels like the energy of feeling so driven and focused has taken a turn into a long list of things to do mixed with anxiety. So many texts I haven’t responded to. I’m on top of the most important things, and then everything else is 100 slots down.
In theme of learning how to flow this year, I’m reflecting on how I want to change things up this round. I want to be more grateful. This timeline is indeed horrifying AND I have the privilege and honor of so many things. Of being in this body. Of having community. Of fighting for liberation with like-minded people. Of having access to incredible wisdom.
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Today I cried twice. Definitely a sign that things are taking for a turn, and I don’t mean it in a bad way. When I’m in the state of high energy, the softness and sadness is alittle hard to tap into. The prominent feelings are conviction, steadfastness, and purpose…mixed with excitement and anger. So when I cried it was an indication of a shift. I cried thinking about Reem - who’s grandfather said that “she is the soul of my soul.” It’s been about three months since she was murdered, and I will never be the same. I was thinking about Hind - another martyred little girl who was calling from a car next to her murdered family. I saw this video from Motaz on IG of the IOF targeting people and blowing them up into bits. No words. Just tears.
Grief. My friend, who will be beside me to my last breath.
Coming to terms and grieving the present is so painful. I’m learning a lot from Friends of the Congo. Every week the reality of what has happened, what is happening, and who benefits makes me want to implode and explode. The only thing that is helpful is talking to people who feel exactly the same - and are proactive in how they spend their energy.
Every day I try to come to terms that it’s ok that I’m not feeling “normal,” because nothing is normal. There’s no need to gaslight myself to living a “normal” life. Honestly, planning the future feels very gaslight-y to me right now. And I’m giving myself permission to let it be.
Talking about permission, I’m also wanting to extend more space for my substacks to follow my stream of consciousness. So expect more sudden left turns! Here’s one!
I’ve been having conversations with people about October of 2023 and what changed for them that month. Over and over again, there were many life changing shifts that happened. We all know what happened on October 7th. For me, I also got news of life altering facts about my ex that completely rewrote my past. I just talked to someone who lost a parent that same week.
Simultaneously, it’s comforting and unsettling how interconnected we all are. It’s comforting, because we are never alone in our experiences. It’s unsettling, because you never know where it’s going to hit you.
In my intention of wanting to dance and flow more this year, I’m learning that the cost of that is being more unhinged. That makes me uncomfy! As you know, I’m a virgo rising with two stelliums in Virgo and Cap!! Control is what I do well! Honestly, I don’t mind being seen as unhinged, but feeling the lack of control is where it feels scary. Writing this out, I’m realizing that the trust that I have in myself has bounds. I guess this is the season where I grow my capacity for practicing my unconditional self love. Omg it’s all so overwhelming haha!
Here’s another left turn! It is VERY weird to be dating during this time. And yet, there is desire for it. The good thing is that alignment is very obvious during this time. The bad thing is that if you’re attuned to the world, you’re not ok. You give and you take!
What does Liberatory Imagination spark in me today?
The acceptance of human chaos. In the chaos and unhinged energy, there is rootedness and purpose. And my purpose isn’t to convince anyone that, but to hold true to my integrity. My liberatory imagination stretches the bounds of alignment + chaos.
All my “best” work is free (inspired by Ismatu Gwendolyn) here on substack. For those who want to support me personally in my journey of figuring out this messy life towards liberation, I invite you to become a paid subscriber by upgrading your subscription below. You won’t get special deliverables, but it will help grow us into a loving space where not everything has to be transactional. <3
Tiffany’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
