I took one month away in Mexico to recover and refocus. I feel so grateful to have had that as an option and also I still feel pangs of guilt for not being present in so called Chicago. Taking a deep breath to extend space for both of those things.
To set the context for the reason I took the time away: my bff and I decided to do this before we both quit our full time jobs. It’s always something we talked about - it was time to practice what we said. So come December, my body was SCREAMING at me. I got covid for the second time in two years around the holidays and then I got really sick with something else right after I tested negative for covid. My body and my soul was sick from the dangerous disease of covid (and it’s long term effects) and sick from the reality of our supremest world. I was sick with grief and rage.
Barely with physical strength, I made it to the start of my “break,” and here are three lessons from my time:
1. I can’t control grief
Going in, I had a plan. Spend a few days - maybe even a full week - to rest and feel into the sadness. I set my intentions to learn how to flow and heal deeply…and boy oh boy did the Universe hear me out. Haha! I ended up spending the majority of the first three weeks deeply sad and in physical pain.
Looking back, I needed to really ride the embodiment of despair and depression as part of the non linear grieving process. It’s hard for me to give myself the space to be in that despair, because my earthy and fiery sides (I’m a Leo sun, Cap moon, Virgo rising - shoutout to my astrology people) push me to be in constant action. Sitting with my feelings is challenging for me (unless it’s righteous rage).
So when I finally was almost forced into having that space to feel, it wasn’t fun. I really felt into the reality of how deeply deeply sad that when we are literally watching a genocide, the colonial powers are uplifted by so many. Even for those who care, we are being crushed by so much b******t (capitalism, racism, ableism, trans/homophobia, etc.)
I can’t control grief. I befriended the grieving process a little bit more. There’s more tenderness there, and I want to cultivate my relationship with grief instead of forcing it’s shape. This will be a lifelong friendship.
More on grief next time.
2. I can’t control water
At the beginning of the year, one of my intentions is to learn how to FLOW in Yin. I’ve always been such an intense pursuer in so many ways, and so many messages from guides and teachers were pointing for me to learn how to receive. Learn how to be flexible enough to flow while being rooted in who I already am.
Going into the trip, I imagined myself in serene waters - just being held and cradled by mother water. And mother water laughed in my face! She’s the ocean! There were days when I wanted that calm beautiful time in the water, and the waves were so powerful - it was honestly dangerous. I was determined to get in the water and my body was pushed and shoved. I was fighting with her!
With time, our relationship shifted. Even when the waves were big, I learned how to dance with the movement. Mother water was kind and gifted us some incredibly delicious days of gentle waves. Laughing in the water is my favorite thing!
3. I can’t control liberation
I know it sounds delusional, but do you know how many nights I lay in my bed and try to solve colonialism? HA! It goes against everything I even believe about collective liberation…it’s collective. But in bouts of anxiety and grief, it happens.
So when I was away, there were these moments from friends and strangers that reminded me of truth:
They said, when you rest, we got you - we are doing everything we can and we believe in the power of sustainability towards our fight for liberation. I know this! But to live it is totally different. And then to trust it is VERY different.
To pull from emergent strategy, I am a starling in a murmuration.
Honestly, I have no idea what my journey looks like towards liberation that isn’t just cycles of burnout…intellectually I know the answer, but my embodied knowing is a different story. For now, I’m growing my spiritual faith that being present for this moment - for Palestine, Sudan, Congo - can coexist with space for recovery, grief, laughter, and rest.
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