The soft walls of the Fish Room dampen the sounds of distant screams, but they can still be heard. Someone is in immense pain, somewhere down the sterile halls. It doesn’t seem to draw much attention. Inside the Fish Room, massive, bulbous eyes stare out from the wall. The infamous mural of freshwater fish is painted overtop of the padding on the walls, rendering the piscine forms distorted and warped. There is no door to the Fish Room, so that patients can voluntarily enter whenever they need to calm themselves. No one has ever entered voluntarily. The glassy unblinking orbs stare out at Theo, who is in the middle of speaking,
“And you know, I used to go fishing with my dad, when he was sober - well actually, when he wasn’t too, but yeah - we went fishing and I would catch sunnies left and right. And I remember they were like spiky, on their back? I guess their dorsal fin or whatever it’s called. They weren’t something you keep so it was strictly catch and release. But they were super flat, or thin I guess, and I remember I would huck those puppies out on the water so they skipped like a stone. A nice sized sunny could get ya like 5 skips if you were real good. And, yeah. I don’t know. I just think maybe whatever god is out there is like that: like some kid side-arming sunnies for fun - and I’m the sunny. Yeah, something like that… I’m sorry, what was the question?”
“… I asked if you’ve been sleeping okay.”
“Oh, yeah, fine. Just fine.”
“Good. That’s good to hear, Theo. We think a lot of the, let’s say, ‘symptoms’ you’ve been having are a result of poor sleeping habits.”
“Why did you say it like that?”
“Say what?”
“‘Symptoms’. You said it like maybe you would’ve used a different word, just now.”
“Well… let’s be honest here, Theo: we both know you’re a little beyond the term ‘symptoms’.”
“Uhh, aren’t you supposed to like support me? Ya know, tell me it’s not so bad and we’ll get through this together?”
“You bit the tip of someone’s nose, Theo. Bit it clean off.”
“Oh yeah… tell that guy I’m sorry - I seriously thought it was a strawberry.”
“I will relay that to him.”
“Anyways, doc, can we maybe just skip to the bit where we talk about you.”
“We aren’t going to talk about me.”
“Well, I just think maybe you're dressed a little too formally. Shouldn’t you be in like, business causal, or something? You’re looking strictly business to me. It’s sort of off-putting. I feel it’s my duty to tell you this, ya know, so you don’t scare the other wackos when you pop into their padded cells.”
“We are not here to talk about my tie, Theodore, we’re here to talk about you.”
“Sure, and we will. But I can’t in good conscience let you go about your day looking like an inflatable Drew Carey.”
“Theodore-“
“Inflatable, like as in bigger. You look like you’re held together by that tie and that belt. Like if they’d snap loose you’d spring out like one of gag snakes-in-a-can: you know the ones? Looks like a pringles can?”
“Yes, I know the ones.”
“You’re not wearing a fat suit are you?”
“… no, I am not wearing a fat suit.”
“It’s just that your size doesn’t seem real. Wait, are you wearing a bulletproof vest? Do they think I’m dangerous?”
“Theodore, I-“
“It’s Theo. Theodore was my father. And I think it’s the neck, that’s what’s really freaking me out, is your neck. You’ve got enough neck there for three people.”
“Theo, I am well aware of your psychological profile: there is a very extensive file on you. I am also aware your father’s name was Robert.”
“Oh you read that old thing? None of it’s true ya know? I snuck into the office and wrote the whole thing myself.”
“Strange that you would write something so… unflattering.”
“Aren’t you supposed to be like, encouraging? Like, hold my hand and walk me through all my problems and let me cry on your nice, pleated shoulder? Isn’t that what therapists do?”
“Theo, we both know I’m slightly different from a therapist.”
“Have you ever noticed that ‘therapist’ is just ‘the-rapist’ but without the space?”
The large overdressed man pauses for a moment. The fish stare with dead globes and gaping mouths. Theo remains confined to the Fish Room while the screaming situation down the hall is brought to some kind of resolution.
“… why don’t we start with why you’re here, in the Fish Room?”
“‘Cause the other guys quit.”
“They didn’t quit, they were reassigned.”
“Is that what they call it when a patient maimes a staff member, like mentally? I’m not usually physically violent. I did bite that guy, but that wasn’t my fault.”
“Do you know why you’re here in the Fish Room again, Theo?”
“I don’t know, some kind of government experimentation probably. I know you guys have force-fields and stuff they don’t tell the public about. I think you’re trying to make me into a telekinetic weapon, maybe.”
“We have force-fields?”
“Uh, yeah? What do you think I’m stupid? Look at this - here, see? There’s some kind of… organic… bio-structure blocking the… mmmff - the door. See? I can’t make it budge. Can you see me pushing against the open space here? Did you guys think I wouldn’t notice that?”
“That’s Alfred, the security guard.”
“Huh?”
“Your hand is on Alfred’s stomach.”
“You guys named your forcefields?”
“Let’s get back on track here: you think we’re making you into some sort of government super weapon?”
“Uh, yeah? What other kind of weapon do secret government programs make?”
“But we are not the government. Or secret.”
“Right, yeah, sure. Hah. I got it.”
“Why are you winking at me.”
“No, I got it. All good. Say no more.”
“Let’s, um, get back on target here. You think you are being experimented on?”
“I don’t think it: I know it. I mean come on, padded walls with fish murals, an obviously sane guy being held against his will, the forcefields? What else would this be?”
“Perhaps it is a facility for people who have… lost touch with reality? Have you ever considered that?”
“Course I have, but then I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why you weren’t wearing white and locked in a room too.”
“Cute.”
“Aw, thanks, but I don’t put out on the first date.”
“… It would seem that when you come close to thinking about your situation seriously, your defense mechanism kicks in. Which is to make light of, and hurl insults at, whatever is occurring.”
“…”
“Nothing to say?”
“I don’t think I like you very much.”
“Well, that’s okay. I am going to leave now, but I will be back after Doctor Mann checks in on you.”
“Pfft. Doctor-Man - seriously? At least try a little.”
The glabrous man dressed like a knife disappears and Theo is left alone with the fish. From down the hall - probably the same one where screaming was coming from - comes the clack of dress shoes on linoleum. A business-casual doctor approaches the Fish Room with a rather intimidating clipboard.
“Mornin’, Doc.”
“Good morning, Alfred. How is he? I think we’ve finally gotten Jerry to calm down.”
“Oh, the usual. He’s been in there talkin’ to himself the whole time - the usual stuff. He did get up and actually try pushin’ me, but I don’t think he recognized that I’m here.”
“So there is still a severe disconnect with reality then?”
“I would say so. An’ some definite paranoia too. Hey, what happened with Jerry anyway?”
“I’m not sure, I was just punching in when I heard the screams. When I got to the lounge, Theo had his teeth gum-deep in the poor guy's nose. I guess Jerry was eating the buttons off the remote?”
“Ah, gotcha. Yeah. He does that sometimes. We tried gettin’ him to stop but he jus’ won’t.”
“Yes, I’ve heard it is an ongoing issue. Anyway, Jerry is in nursing, so now we’ve just got to straighten out Theo. Again.”
“Hah. Good luck, doc. I couldn’t do it. You’re a better man than me.”
The doctor tips a nonexistent hat to Alfred and then slides by him into the Fish Room. The four-foot rainbow trout on the opposing wall really seems to be staring into his soul. He hates this room. The doctor begins the usual farce of having never met Theo.
“Theo? Hello, it’s Doctor Mann - I don’t believe we’ve met in person yet.”
“Hah, no I don’t think so, Doctor-Man. Probably because they just wrote your character on lunch break - probably had a real laugh.”
“My character? You’re talking about your theory that this is all a government experiment?”
“It’s not a theory okay, it’s just a fact. I’m tired of explaining this.”
“Ah, have you spoken of this to, what was his name again? That therapist fellow.”
“The fat Drew Carey guy? I don’t know his name either. But yeah. Yeah, I did.”
“And what did he have to say about that?”
“The usual crap, the maybe this is a nut house, ever think about that?”
“Well, I’m sure he has your best interest in mind.”
“Eh, I’m not so sure. He’s always so condescending, I really don’t like the guy.”
“Oh? That’s surprising. What sorts of condescending things does he do?”
“Nothing new. The same ‘lost cause-looney tune’ rant I’ve heard all my life.”
“Now, when you say ‘heard all your life’ are you referring to your father, Robert?”
“Well yeah, him, but everybody’s been singing that song since like, forever. My dad was the worst though.”
“Theo, I want to talk about something difficult - do you think we could do that?”
“Oh, if you’re talking about those imp things that live under the floor, I’ve been trying to get every doctor and person in here to deal with them. They come out at night, or whenever I sleep, and they do stuff to me and my room. I been complaining bout it for ages now.”
“… What sorts of things do the imps do?”
“Well I don’t know if they’re imps or trolls or like shriveled patients that tried digging out of here and got lost - but I know they poke me while I sleep, I’m always waking up with neck pain or back pain. And this one time my socks - you know those nice long ones with the little grippies on the bottom? - yeah they took ‘em, but only the large ones. For a week - I had to wear mediums, for a week. And they squeezed my toes. I about went through the roof. That was a hard week. I still have an inflamed big toe.”
“I will be sure to inform housekeeping of the imps.”
“Yeah.Yeah, you do that.”
“Why do you think this therapist - the fat Drew Carey guy, as you called him - why do you think he is so condescending?”
“I mean I can’t say for sure, but it’s probably hemorrhoids. Just a whole slew of ‘rhoids - that’d be my guess. My dad once had a hemorrhoid and he was very unpleasant. Well, he was always unpleasant, but it got like way worse with the ‘rhoid.”
“The difficult thing I want to talk about is what happened with Jerry this morning. Do you think we could talk about that?”
“Who’s Jerry?”
“The gentlemen you bit.”
“Mmm, no, doesn’t ring any bells.”
“You bit Jerry on the nose about an hour ago.”
“Ohhh, oh yeah. Jerry. Good guy. Can’t sing to save his life though.”
“Do you think there might be a reason for why you reacted the way you did?”
“Probably.”
“…”
“I don’t know what it would be though. Ain’t that your job to figure out?”
“Sort of. And I think I may have some idea, but I’d like for you to help me tease it out.”
“Probably some daddy issues or something. I don’t know. Who cares?”
“I care, Theo. Why do you mention your father? What about this incident makes you think he may have been a contributing factor?”
“‘Cause he was an a*****e.”
“Mm. No doubt. What else?”
“I don’t know, maybe ‘cause he hurt me to show me how to act. So I hurt… um…”
“Jerry.”
“Yeah, Jerry. So I hurt Jerry.”
“Perhaps. What else?”
“I don’t know, doc! Maybe ‘cause dad cared more about TV than he ever did me so now I have some kind of warped protection of remotes? I don’t know, who cares. Jerry’ll be fine, let’s just forget it. I won’t bite anybody anymore - scouts honor.”
“I know Jerry will be fine. I’m more worried about you. Violent outbursts like this always stem from a deeper hurt, sometimes deeper than even we ourselves are aware of. Just think about what I’ve said, Theo. If you promise you won’t bite anyone else, I’ll tell Alfred you may leave the Fish Room.”
“Sure, yeah. No more nibbles. You got it.”
“Just think about what we said here. I’ll see you later, Theo.”
“Mhm. Yup. And who’s Alfred?”
Doctor Mann has already given a casual wave and exited the room, followed by Alfred. Theo gazes around at the placid faces of the fish, each one exuding mild surprise with their widened eyes and mouths agape. Hesitantly, Theo approaches the door and reaches out a hand toward the place where Alfred stood moments earlier. When he meets no resistance, he slowly walks through the doorframe with his hands raised at 90° angles, as if the fish were holding him hostage.
