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Introduction 📖

So, you’re curious about having a one-night stand. I’m glad you’re here! I’ve had a few in my time; some very successful, some less so. Whether this will be your first one or you’re a regular wondering how to make casual sex work better for you, I’ve compiled everything I know to write this ultimate guide to having the best one-night stands ever.

The main difference in preparation depends on the sexes of the partners involved and whether it’s going to take place at your house or theirs. Because I’m a cis-gendered female who mostly has sex with men, this article is geared towards heterosexual couples. But I hope that no matter the genitals of you or your partner, you’ll find something helpful here. Let’s dig in!

Get ready. Stay ready 😜

Before: How To Prepare for a One-Night Stand 🌃

* Find someone you’re attracted to: If you’re not attracted to this person, don’t even bother going through with the rest of everything else. This night is about you having fun, not pleasing other people.

* Set clear expectations with yourself: Decide what you want to get out of this night and if you have any clear boundaries. Do you want to have penetrative sex (penis in an orifice, either vagina or butt) with them? Where is this one-night stand going to take place? Do you want to stay over, or are you going to take your ass home in an Uber at 4 am?

* Prioritize your needs first: I’m adding this here because I’m terrible at doing this. As soon as I find a guy who I want to have sex with, I lose all sense of my needs and life priorities. So, be realistic for a moment: Do you have anything you need to get done the day after your one-night stand? The point is to make sure you’re caring for your general well-being and not just dropping everything for a random dude you will never see again.

* Plan your sleep: There’s evidence that women need more sleep than men. How well do you sleep in someone else’s bed or having someone in your bed? Can you survive on three hours, or would you be better off with eight? Even if you don’t know exactly because this is your first one-night stand, just take a guess, and then you’ll learn whether you were right or wrong after the experience.

* Set clear expectations with your partner: Communicate with them if you can. Plan where you are going to do this. If it’s at your house, is your partner allowed to sleep over? Do you need them out of the house by 10 am so you can go to your yoga class?

* Be honest with yourself about your true intentions: If you have feelings for this person and would like to have anything more than a one-hit wonder with them, stop right there. Having sex with them is not going to fix anything. Be sure to do the feelings check-in I’ve included below.

* Plan your alcohol and drug intake: You don’t want to be too drunk or high for your one-night stand. Know your limits. A couple of drinks is probably fine if you’ve eaten, but you do not want to be completely blackout. Bad things can happen, and you need to have your wits about you so you can get the hell out of there at a moment’s notice. Plus, sex when you’re super wasted is not very enjoyable.

* Plan to meet somewhere where you feel comfortable: Don’t schlep yourself across the city to a place you don’t know. Make this person come to you, like to your favorite lively local bar, or go to a party together where you know a couple of people.

* Consider using a highly effective form of birth control: I’m talking about an implant or an IUD, i.e., a coil. Whatever sex you have is going to be a lot more enjoyable when you’re not worried about getting pregnant. I have the Hormonal IUD, which I love because it is super effective for preventing pregnancy for up to eight years, and it stops my painful periods, which is a faff that I don’t want to have to deal with. If you’re already using the pill for your “acne” or some other form of birth control, good for you!

If the one-night stand will take place at your house, here are some other tips you might want to consider 🏠 :

* a) Prepare your sex toys & condoms: I’ll get more into this later, but you’ll want any vibrator, lube, butt plug, and fun stuff on hand. Be sure to have multiple condoms, at least three.

* b) Wash your bedsheets, if possible: There’s nothing like banging in a clean bed.

* c) Have clean towels on hand: Some men I’ve had sex with will literally sweat through multiple layers of sheets. It’s insane, and yes, your bedroom will be destroyed.

* d) Have a bit of alcohol in your house: You may or may not want to keep a bottle of wine or beer on hand at home. I don’t like to drink that much, but you and your partner might want to.

* e) Tidy your house: This is totally optional, but this helps me have less anxiety, at least.

If the one-night stand will take place at their house, this might help 🏚️ :

* a) Pack the essentials: This might be hard depending on the size of your purse or bag, but see if you can bring your toothbrush, deodorant, a contact lens case (essential if you wear contacts like me), and maybe even a change of shirt for the morning after. You’re not bringing your toiletries bag, just the bare basics so that you don’t lose your mind.

* b) Subtly bring a toy and condoms with you: You could bring a small bullet vibrator in your bag or invest in a Vesper necklace, which is a beautiful piece of jewelry that also doubles as a vibrator. Yay, secret pleasure! And also, stuff a couple of condoms in your bag.

Before you proceed, do a feelings check-in 🕊️.

What if I have feelings for my one-night-stand partner? 🤨

Be honest about whether you have feelings for this person before you have sex with them. I may sound old-fashioned, but my honest advice is: do not have a one-night stand with someone if you have feelings for them. You will just end up having your heart broken. Having casual, easy sex with someone is not going to make someone fall in love with you. In fact, the sex of the one-night stand is basically over in a minute, and that is the end. It’s a quickie one-and-done.

What if I’m not sure if my one-night-stand partner has feelings for me or not, or I’m not sure what their intentions are? 🫣

Just be wary of men you actually like or might want to have a relationship with. If you’re not sure about your partner’s intentions and you might want something more serious with them, my advice is to wait to have sex. You can still fool around with them but try to keep your clothes on.

I’ve had a couple of experiences where I found myself in bed with a guy I liked, and I wasn’t sure about his intentions with me. In this case, I like to refuse to have sex with them and see how it plays out. When we part ways, we either never speak again, or we continue our relationship and get to know each other better. By then, we’re beyond a one-night stand and have a slightly longer, more meaningful relationship.

This is only for partners you might have feelings for or want something more serious with. If you don’t want that, and you just think they’re hot and want to have some quick casual sex, keep reading!

What if I don’t have feelings for my one-night stand partner? 🤔

That’s awesome! This is probably the ideal scenario. When you’re both using each other to have a damn good time, no one has to feel bad about it. I’ve heard many women say that they feel guilty or get attached when they have sex with someone. This isn’t always the case for me. I tend to get attached to someone I have sex with when I have feelings for them. But if I just think they’re hot, and this experience truly is not going anywhere, then f**k it! I’m just in it for the sex, and I won’t be messaging them the next day, and that’s that.

During: What should you keep in mind during a one-night stand? 🌝

* Use protection when you have penetrative sex: You’re going to need protection against pregnancy and STDs. Just remember that nature is a b***h, and people can often carry STDs without having any symptoms. These STDs can cause life-long complications for women, like infertility from Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID) if left untreated. The challenge with one-night stands is that if you don’t use protection, the situation can quickly escalate. No matter how much fun you thought you had that night, when you’re taking Plan B or dealing with HPV forever, it’s going to f*****g suck.

* Trust your earlier intuition. I’ve had men promise me all kinds of things when they’re trying to have sex with me. “I love you!” (They don’t). “I’ll love you forever.” (They won’t). “That was the best b******b I’ve ever had.” (Well, maybe that one’s true). Regardless, this is why you need to have it clear in your mind before you have your one-night stand what you are willing to do and what you want to get out of it. The wrong kinds of partners will say anything to get you to have sex with them. Have your wits about you and ignore the b******t and excessive sweet talk.

* Prioritize your pleasure: It is very important that you, as a female, also experience sexual pleasure and orgasm, if you so choose, during this one-night stand. The statistics around female pleasure for first-time hookup sex are pretty dire. As Dr. Laurie Mintz shares in her fantastic book, “Becoming Cliterate,” “55 percent of men versus 4 percent of women said they usually reach orgasm during first-time hookup sex!” Boo. We can do better than that! Basically, the most important thing to remember is that having sexual intercourse (putting the penis in the vagina) is NOT the most reliable route to orgasm for most females. Sexual intercourse is basically for the male orgasm only. Also, men want to please women. So, how can you have pleasurable sex? “Almost 45 percent of women said their most reliable route to orgasm was intercourse coupled with clitoral stimulation.” I’ve written a whole article about female orgasms. Here are the most important points for your one night stand:

* Mimic the way you pleasure yourself when you’re with a partner: That’s why I recommend having your toys on hand at your house or bringing your Vesper necklace to your partner’s house. Basically, get your partner to assist you using the masturbation techniques that already work for you and that you know you like.

* Get the guy to pleasure you in ways that you like but find difficult, if not impossible, to do to yourself: As I mentioned in the article, a tiny amount of butt stuff from my male partner, coupled with clitoral stimulation from my hand or a toy, does the trick very easily for me.

* Take your time: You’ve got all freaking night. What’s the rush? If you’re a guy reading this article, make it clear to your female partner that her enjoying herself is important to you and that you’ll be patient.

* Remember that oral sex and “foreplay” is the female’s main course: “Quoting Ian Kerner, author of the how-to oral sex manual for men She Comes First, “Most men consider cunnilingus an aspect of foreplay, an appetizer to be served before the main meal of genital intercourse.” However, it’s crucial to understand that this “appetizer” is actually the main course for many women—it’s the way they orgasm!” (Read “Becoming Cliterate” and “She Comes First”).

* Go all out: This is my favorite tip! You’ve found someone with whom you can safely explore sexual stuff, and then you’ll never see again, so seize the moment! Why not experiment, explore, and try stuff you’ve always wanted to try? Take a bath. Try a new position. Try chocolate or food in bed. Of course, ask your partner what they’re comfortable with trying (I always shamelessly ask for a bit of butt stuff, obviously.) And if you’re having a good time, or you think they’re hot, say so! My best one-night stand was when a guy in Newcastle told me how much he loved my bush, and he ate me out for ages. It was so hot!

* Make sure you pee after sex: You might already know this, but don’t forget. It’s great for helping avoid UTIs, etc.

* Get your beauty sleep: You deserve to be a functioning human the next day. It’s time to get some rest. If you know that you’ll totally struggle to sleep, feel free to call yourself or them an Uber.

Send this to someone who needs their beauty sleep, lol 🛌.

The Morning After: What should you do after a one-night stand? 🌞

* Prioritize your health and vitals: While one-night stands can be fun, they can be very depleting in terms of your basic needs. After you’re all done, take time to shower, eat, get some sleep, and rest yourself back to health. Consider drinking a Gatorade or Electrolit to get hydrated. If you’re feeling super depressed, try to do some light exercise, like going for a walk, and just know that this feeling will pass. Being hungover and sleep-deprived is a recipe for feeling like s**t!

* Only have brunch with your partner if you want to: You can keep hanging out, getting coffee or food, or let him cook you breakfast, but just remember that you don’t owe this person anything. Don’t feel any pressure to keep hanging out with them. Only keep them around if you want to.

* Clean your house: Depending on how much of a witch you are, you might want to wash your bedsheets, open all the windows to air things out, and sage-cleanse your house 🧙🏼‍♀️.

* Remember that you don’t love them, either: Especially being a female, it can be easy to confuse feelings and get attached to someone physically simply because you have sex with them.

* Do some reflective journaling: I’m biased because I teach sex writing, and I think it’s a great idea to keep a sex diary. Here are a couple of things you might want to journal about:

* What did you like about this person? What attracted you to them?

* Did you like the places you met up? Would you go back with another partner in the future?

* Was the sex any good? Did you bring your toys? What would you do differently or better next time?

* If you do need Plan B, try to get the guy to pay for it or split the cost: I say this because the experience of taking Plan B is not pleasant at all. It takes two people to have a pregnancy scare, so he can help you to pay for it at least.

Should I text my one-night stand again? 🤳🏽

Remember: this was a one-night thing. Feel free to text pleasantries confirming you got home okay, then leave it at that. Don’t expect that they want to keep texting you or stay in contact. This is why it is so important to do a feelings check-in before your one-night stand and only have casual sex with people when you don’t have feelings for them.

I totally messed this up last year when I randomly had sex with a male friend after we went to a club. After we had sex and he left the next day, I tried to keep the conversation going over the next few weeks. He was slow to respond, and it was clear that our relationship was going nowhere. He was about to leave the country for five months, and I was just pulling strings that didn’t exist. I later ran into him at a party and found him flirting with my friend’s housemate, who was a lot younger than me. I felt so abandoned.

It would have been far better if I had set my expectations lower to begin with and remembered that my self-worth is not contingent on this guy and if we have sex again. I would have given myself compassion and reminded myself that I’m not more or less of a person if this conversation kept going.

That’s the long way of saying that you don’t need to keep texting them. In fact, it shows more self-respect if you don’t text him because you know that a one-night stand cannot fulfill your deeper needs for a relationship or mutual feelings.

Thank you so much for reading my work. If you found this informative and funny in parts, I hope you’ll share it with a friend. I’m wishing you an incredible one night stand! Good luck and let me know how it goes.

Love,

Tash

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Come back for more sometime! 🤗

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