Or what should be titled: When Christmas Movies Raised Us Better Than Our Siblings Did
Or: How We Learned Everything About the Holidays from VHS Tapes and Nothing from Each Other
It’s the most wonderful time of the year.
December hits different when you’re an elder millennial who was raised by a combination of questionable parenting decisions, red food coloring, and whatever was playing on the CBC Sunday Night Movie. And what I wish wasn’t true: Jacqueline literally cannot make it through the entire month of December without crying. Not once. Not twice. Every. Single. Day.
This isn’t an exaggeration. She sees someone hold a door open at Target while wishing everybody happy holidays and she’s reaching for tissues like a Claritan commercial.
The Crying Starts Early (November 30th, Technically)
We recorded this episode on November 30th—NOVEMBER 30TH PEOPLE—and Jacqueline was already sobbing about people being nice to each other not even 8 minutes into the episode. Her daughter is spending her first holiday season in Ecuador, and when someone threw her a surprise Thanksgiving dinner, Jacqueline texted me about it while simultaneously crying about human kindness.
“I just... people were being NICE to her, Ryan.”
Ma’am, it’s not even December yet. We haven’t even gotten to the Hallmark movies. You need to pace yourself.
The Great Christmas Emotion Paradox
Here’s what’s wild about growing up in our house: for 11 months of the year, we were basically a reality TV show waiting to happen (the reality show being COPS). Siblings fighting over computer time. Someone always getting injured over a VHS tape (true story—Dallin gave Jacqueline a permanent scar because of an Aladdin tape). The general chaos of five kids, two parents, one tumor-protruding dog, and exactly zero chill. None to be found anywhere.
But then December would roll around and for approximately three hours on Christmas morning, we became the family we spent the other 364 days pretending to be. The bay window. The tree. The concentrated chaos that somehow felt... right?
It was wild in a household like ours where there was a lot of kh@o$ and we didn’t often get along. But we rallied SO HARD for Christmas. For those three hours, we were that family.
The VHS Tapes That Raised Us
Before we get into the full list (because yes, we’re making an official Dreyer Drive Christmas Viewing Guide), let me tell you about the real MVP of our childhood: the VHS tape that had BOTH Mr. Bean’s Christmas AND Saturday Night Live Season 22, Episode 9 recorded on it.
This tape. THIS TAPE. This was appointment viewing.
Merry Christmas, Mr. Bean is a 30-minute masterpiece of physical comedy that every Canadian kid knows by heart. You haven’t lived until you’ve watched Mr. Bean terrorize a department store nativity scene by escalating the toys from a sheep to a moving truck to a military helicopter. That’s cinema, baby.
And then—THEN—we had the SNL episode from December 14, 1996, hosted by Rosie O’Donnell with musical guest Whitney Houston. This episode had EVERYTHING: Mary Catherine Gallagher. The Spartan Cheerleaders. Delicious Dish. It was like someone at NBC said, “Let’s make the most ‘90s thing possible and also accidentally create the Porter family’s entire sense of humor.”
The Growing Pains Episode That Destroyed Jacqueline
Okay, so Jacqueline made me promise to tell you about this because apparently she needs the entire internet to know she’s emotionally compromised by a 1980s sitcom.
There’s an episode of Growing Pains—a CHRISTMAS episode—where Ben (the youngest kid) brings home a homeless girl because he learned about being kind during the holidays. The family takes her in, feeds her, gives her clothes, the whole nine yards. Very heartwarming stuff.
Christmas morning comes. All the presents are GONE. The girl stole everything and left. Even Ben’s socks and underwear. (Side note: this “even my socks and underwear” line is permanently burned into our brains.)
But then—plot twist—they find all the presents on the front porch. She couldn’t go through with it. And the final scene? The girl is in a phone booth calling her dad, and when she says “Hi, Dad,” her voice cracks and—
Jacqueline is currently crying again just thinking about it.
She watched this episode the other day to prep for our podcast and texted me: “I AM INCONSOLABLE. THIS GIRL IS RECONNECTING WITH HER FATHER.”
[Photo comparison coming of Jacqueline’s face before and after watching this episode]
The Official Dreyer Drive Christmas Movie Playlist
If you want to have an authentic Dryer Drive Christmas experience (and honestly, why wouldn’t you?), here’s your required viewing:
The Essentials:
* Mr. Bean’s Christmas (non-negotiable)
* Saturday Night Live Season 22, Episode 9 (the cultural touchstone)
* Growing Pains Christmas Episode (bring tissues)
* Home Alone (we covered this extensively last year, but Noah is fully into it now, so it remains valid)
* A Christmas Story (”You’ll shoot your eye out!” was peak comedy for 8-year-old boys)
* National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (though now we side with Margo and Todd, which is how you know we’re adults)
The Controversial Picks:
* The Santa Clause (the perfect “explain Santa to me so I can believe for two more years” movie)
* Muppet Christmas Carol (Jacqueline’s #1 Christmas Carol adaptation and she will fight you on this)
* Little Women (1994 Winona Ryder version ONLY—Jacqueline’s entire understanding of sister relationships came from this movie, which explains... a lot)
The Time Capsules:
* Jingle All the Way (objectively terrible, 20% on Rotten Tomatoes, but we love it anyway because nostalgia is a hell of a drug)
* Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (the old stop-motion one—Daniel is definitely the Abominable Snowman)
The Grown-up Addition:
* The Family Man (didn’t hit right until we became parents ourselves, now it DESTROYS us)
Things We’ve Learned From Christmas Movies
* From Home Alone: Sometimes the most chaotic child is actually just waiting to become an excellent parent who will teach their kids the art of the elaborate prank.
* From The Santa Claus: Neil (the stepdad) is the only person making sense in that entire movie. We side with Neil now. We ARE Neil. And we want his sweaters.
* From National Lampoon’s: Justice for Margo and Todd. They deserved better neighbors.
* From Little Women: Sister relationships look incredibly meaningful (Jacqueline’s words, as the only sister in a house full of brothers).
* From The Family Man: You don’t know what you’ve got until you’ve changed a diaper at 3 AM and suddenly EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE.
The Part Where We Made This About Sibling Warfare
(Because of course we did.)
I stumbled upon a Reddit community called “Siblings From Hell” and honestly? We could have authored half those posts. Some highlights that hit a little too close to home:
* “Sister tried to strangle me and hurt my arm just because of a clothing hanger”
* “Told my sister that she’s ugly for the first time in 22 years”
* “My pathetic sister” (we’re pretty sure one of us wrote this)
But here’s the real tea: remember those hockey cards I got for Christmas? The ones where I got all the good rookies and limited edition cards? Daniel convinced me we should put all our best cards together in one shared album. Very brotherly. Very collaborative.
A month later, the album was empty. Daniel had sold EVERY. SINGLE. CARD.
My Christmas present. Gone. Liquidated. Turned into whatever Daniel bought with the money (probably more mannequin legs, pellet guns, or a digital scale if we’re being honest about his childhood “hobbies”).
And you know what the worst part is? I deserved it. I fell for it AGAIN. Daniel’s superpower is being able to sell you on literally anything, and I am Patient Zero for his schemes.
Why Christmas Hits Different Now
Here’s what I’ve realized as a dad to two girls: Christmas metamorphoses through different life stages. As a kid, it’s pure magic. As a tween, you need movies like The Santa Clause to explain things so you can keep believing. As a teenager, you’re basically dead inside except for those three hours on Christmas morning.
But then you become a parent and the cycle resets. Watching Noa (almost 7) experience all of this. The elf visiting our house, the Christmas lights we can’t find in Okinawa because they don’t make them like they do in Canada, her concern that Santa won’t find our house? It’s like experiencing Christmas through a completely new lens.
And Naia (one and a half) is already showing Porter genes. The other night, she put Kleenexes over her eyes and walked around bumping into things for the bit. SHE’S FULLY COMMITTING TO THE BIT AT 18 MONTHS OLD. She’s walking into doors, the high chair, the child-proof gate, and she WILL NOT take the tissues off her eyes because the laugh is the fuel. That’s pure Porter DNA right there.
The Thing About Siblings (The Serious Part)
(We’re allowed to have one serious part, okay?)
Jacqueline and I were talking about how we didn’t really become friends until we all left home. And yeah, space helped (like A LOT of said space). But here’s what really changed: we got to see each other become OTHER things.
(According to Jacqueline) Not just Ryan the annoying big brother, but Ryan the dad, the husband, the person living in Japan trying to navigate bureaucracy while preventing customer harassment incidents at City Hall.
Not just Jacqueline the sister who read too much, but Jacqueline the mom, the wife, the person who orders “Coke in a cup” (or her hands) at drive-thrus and then just... accepts two cupfuls of Coke instead of saying anything because confrontation is hard.
We got to see each other in roles we were actually GOOD at, and suddenly the childhood versions kinda made more sense. Understanding each other as adults helps explain why we were the way we were as kids.
(We’re not crying, you’re crying.)
Your Assignment
Since we’re in the spirit of spreading Christmas nostalgia like it’s 1996 and we just recorded SNL on a VHS tape:
1. Watch at least one movie from our list that you haven’t seen in years. Report back on whether it holds up or whether you’re now traumatized.
2. Tell us YOUR essential Christmas viewing. What did your family watch religiously? What still makes you tear up? What would you force your kids to watch?
3. Share your sibling chaos stories. What did your brothers or sisters do that you’re STILL not over? What would be your Reddit thread title in “Siblings From Hell”?
Drop a comment, send us a message, or just sit with your own nostalgia for a bit. We’ll be here, crying about Growing Pains and arguing about whether Jingle All the Way deserves its 20% Rotten Tomatoes score.
Oh and just incase you wanted to see the jacket that I sent in the sibling thread, here you go. Diversity & Freedom. #BLESSED
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Come hang out with us on the podcast! New episodes drop bi-weekly (when we feel like it) on all your favorite podcast platforms. Leave us a five-star review and tell us about your chaotic childhood holiday memories. We read every single one while ugly-crying into our Christmas cookies.
Question for you: What’s the ONE Christmas movie or TV special that absolutely MUST be watched in your house every year, and why? We want the full story—the nostalgia, the tears, the family drama it causes when someone suggests skipping it.
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