Today, I listened to the latest episode of the Hidden Brain podcast, hosted by Shankar Vedantam. They discussed a study revealing that during conversations, people admit their minds wander about 24% of the time.
In this episode, Alison Wood Brooks, a behavioral scientist at Harvard Business School, said:
“We interrupted them every five minutes in a conversation and asked them, were you listening attentively to your partner or was your mind wandering? And 24% of the time, they say, actually, my mind was wandering. I wasn't listening to my partner.
We suspect this is an underestimate because people know that it's sort of embarrassing to not be listening to their partner. You see this happen during video calls or on Zoom. People are smiling and nodding at the camera even while they're like to the side texting their friend or making a grocery list. Because there are these norms of politeness, right?
We know that we should make our partners feel like we're listening to them.”
I've definitely felt this when I'm talking but also when I'm listening. That 24% figure doesn't surprise me at all. Often, during chats, my mind drifts elsewhere. And in many conversations, I feel the distraction of others. I see the glances at phones after the undeniable vibration sound of a notification coming into their device.
Take Zoom meetings, for example. I'll be mid-discussion, and suddenly, a notification pops up, or a text buzzes on my phone. My focus shifts instantly.
We all know it's crucial to avoid distractions while driving. Many states have laws against texting behind the wheel. Cars and phones now have features to block notifications when you're driving. Yet, we still see drivers glued to their phones. It's universally agree, even by those drivers, that this is dangerous. People can get killed.
While zoning out during a Zoom call or dinner with family isn't as lethal as distracted driving, it sends a damaging message to those we're with. When we're not fully present, it undermines trust. Trust is the foundation of any strong relationship. Being attentive shows we value and respect the other person. When we're distracted, it signals disinterest, making others feel unimportant. Over time, this erodes trust and weakens bonds.
I've caught myself drifting off in meetings, conversations, and even at the dinner table. And these are with the people I care about! The ones who bring me joy from their friendship. The ones I work with every day.
The forces at work
Social media platforms, media organizations, and other apps have built their business plan economics around engagement. The point is to get your eyeballs (and your attention) back to their site.
These days everything is now “Breaking News”. Last month, I was in the middle of an important 1:1 meeting with a colleague and a New York Times Breaking News Alert popped up on my phone…telling me that the Oscar Nominations were announced.
This is insanity. I’m a bigger film buff than most but this alert caused me to not only turn off notifications, but also to delete the app and my subscription.
These are the forces at work against us.
In today’s world landscape (especially the sh*t-show here in this country where I am torn between outrage and the desire to tell the ones who voted for this “I told you so”) everything seems “breaking” and “news”.
Yes, almost of all of these changes will directly affect people I care about. But I feel knowing about it that night or even later in the week versus immediately after it happens does not make me any less outraged or any less of an ally for those that need one. There’s mental health benefits for not being always on all the time. But there are also benefits to the things that we definitely CAN control: the relationships we have with our loved ones.
Busyness ≠ Importance
We've all been conditioned to equate busyness with importance. Saying "I'm busy" often implies we're successful and in demand. But this mindset is misleading and harmful. Constant busyness can lead to stress, burnout, and strained relationships. It's a path that pulls us away from meaningful connections and self-care.
I want to challenge this notion by leading through example. Prioritizing quality over quantity, setting boundaries, and making time for rest and relationships are crucial. By doing so, we can foster a healthier, more balanced life that's both productive and fulfilling.
Embracing a culture that values meaningful engagement over mere activity can enhance our well-being and strengthen our connections with others. Realizing that distractions hurt my relationships and focus has pushed me to make some changes.
Ways I am fighting against this.
I might not eliminate that 24% mind-wandering entirely, but I can aim to get close to zero. Here's what I'm doing:
In-office meetings: Instead of taking the meeting from behind my desk, I step away from my desk, leaving my computer and phone behind, to give full attention to the person I'm with.
Workplace meetings: I leave my devices in the office and bring only a notebook. It not only affects the way I listen (free from distraction) forcing me to handwrite notes imprints the comprehension of what I am hearing.
Coffee shop or restaurant meetups: If my car's nearby, I leave my phone in it. My watch is set to notify me only if my wife, kids, or parents call. And if I have a hard stop, I also set an alarm on my watch, so I don't need my phone to check the time.
Managing notifications: I've turned off all alerts except for calls from my immediate family. Push email is disabled too.
These tweaks help me stay present and focused, showing respect to those I'm with and improving my own attention span.
Let’s keep this conversation going.
I’d love to hear your thoughts—have you noticed distractions affecting your relationships or work? What steps have you taken to be more present? Drop a comment below and share your experience. If this resonated with you, consider restacking it so we can inspire more people to strive for presence, connection, and balance in a world that’s constantly pulling us in every direction.
Thanks for listening and reading! -Greg
