Recently, a colleague gave me some feedback. It wasn’t easy to hear, but it got me thinking about how essential real, unfiltered feedback is to growth. If asked, I will always stress the importance of feedback. But as a CEO, I realize it’s easy to get lazy about seeking it out.
People hesitate to be honest with someone in a leadership position. And my colleague definitely eased into delivering the news with a little bit of apprehension. This is a clear difference from the way they typically give feedback to members of the team they directly manage. The higher you are in an organization, the less likely you are to hear the truth. Leaders must actively seek it out.
It’s a dangerous trap. Without honest feedback, you start operating in an echo chamber, reinforcing your own assumptions (or bad habits) instead of redefining your approach. I believe the best leaders don’t just tolerate feedback; they pursue it. And they do it relentlessly, from everyone around them. It’s not just a tool for improvement. It’s a necessity for staying sharp and connected.
The Shock of Truth
Have you ever done a cold plunge? Well, feedback can feel a heck of lot like doing a cold plunge. It shocks your system. Your chest tightens. You do that uncontrollable and audible gasp before a shiver. Every time I’ve done a cold plunge my brain screams, “Get me out of here!” But if you push through it and stay in the moment, something shifts. Your body adjusts.
After that initial shock you emerge sharper. You are more alert. You are stronger!
At first, criticism feels like betrayal. It attacks the identity you’ve built. But that identity is only built in your own mind. Buried in that discomfort is an opportunity to see yourself more clearly.
To be better.
Fighting off instinct
My first instinct when receiving feedback? Defend. Justify. Find flaws in the critique instead of myself. But I have noticed that sting only happens when there’s truth in it. The greater the discomfort, the more valuable the lesson. To be a truly authentic leader you must resist the urge to fight it. The process of fighting is not only fueled by ego, it shuts your brain off to actually staying in the conversation.
Sitting with that discomfort builds EQ or emotional intelligence. Most people believe they are self-aware, but the reality is that true self-awareness is rare. Honest feedback closes that gap. It forces reflection. It makes us confront blind spots we’d rather ignore.
Emotionally intelligent people embrace feedback as fuel for growth. They recognize that the most valuable insights often come from the people closest to them. It’s easy to dismiss a coworker’s critique, but what about a partner’s comment on your communication style? A friend’s perspective on how you handle stress? These insights are gold. We just need to have the courage to ask and the desire to listen.
A Sign of True EQ
Receiving feedback isn’t just about professional growth. It’s about personal growth too. Truly emotionally intelligent people don’t just tolerate feedback; they actively seek it out. Not just from coworkers, but from friends, family, and even casual acquaintances. They know that different perspectives help paint a fuller picture of who they are. I can only hope to have enough EQ to not only understand the importance of feedback but to actively seek it out. But I guess, striving for it is the next best thing right?
We should all try to build a habit of seeking feedback. Asking a friend, “What’s something I do that annoys you?” or a family member, “How can I be a better listener?” opens you up to some personal growth. The best leaders don’t just improve in their jobs, they improve in their relationships, their communication, and their ability to connect with others.
And research supports that people who actively seek feedback are more engaged, perform better, and strengthen their relationships. This is both professionally and personally.
Asking for feedback isn’t weakness.
It’s an act of belief.
Belief that you can improve.
A belief that your potential is greater than your pride.
A belief that discomfort today leads to great things tomorrow.
Making Feedback Work
When I seek feedback:
* I ask clear, specific questions. Instead of saying, Do you have any feedback for me? try, What’s one thing I could have done better in that meeting? or How do you think I handled that conversation? This applies at work and at home.
* I create a safe space for honesty. People won’t be truthful if they fear backlash. I make it clear that feedback is welcomed, not punished, by responding with curiosity rather than defensiveness.
* I ask different people. True self-awareness comes from multiple viewpoints. I seek feedback not just from colleagues, but from mentors, friends, and family. They see sides of me that others don’t.
When I give feedback:
* I am specific and timely. Vague feedback like You need to be better at communication isn’t useful. Instead, I focus on precise actions: In today’s meeting, you interrupted twice. Next time, try pausing before responding.
* I focus on actions, not character. People shut down when they feel attacked. Instead of You’re bad at presenting, I say, Your presentation would be stronger if you slowed down and made more eye contact.
* I balance critique with encouragement. Effective feedback builds, not breaks. I highlight strengths alongside areas for improvement so the person feels empowered to grow.
When I receive feedback:
* I listen without interrupting. My instinct might be to jump in and explain, but true growth comes from listening fully before responding.
* I ask for examples. If feedback feels unclear or unfair, I seek clarity: Can you give me an example of when this happened? This turns vague criticism into something actionable.
* I express gratitude, even when it stings. A simple Thank you for your honesty. I’ll reflect on this builds trust and shows I value growth over ego.
The Courage to Let Feedback Shape You
Feedback doesn’t smooth down the edges. Feedback is meant to sharpen. The sting is a signal that something inside you is shifting, improving, becoming sharper. Growth is uncomfortable. It’s also necessary.
The most painful feedback is the most powerful because it forces you to confront the parts of yourself you’d rather ignore. It holds up a mirror, revealing the gaps between who you are and who you aspire to be. The discomfort is proof that you're on the edge of real transformation.
So let it sting. Let it heal. Let it shape you. And then, go ask for more.
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