God of Hope, God of all comfort, God of healing:
This day marks a sorrowful anniversary—
So many years since the life-changing illness,
Since the cancer diagnosis,
Since the accident,
Since the medical label that transformed every aspect of my days.
It is a death without a grave,
Grief without a funeral.
You alone truly understand the depth of my heartache
And the distinct sorrow of those who love me and share my burden,
Weighted by it alongside but outside me.
I grieve the old me that may never return,
The holistic, multifaceted cost of this illness, this disability,
The choices my body makes for me,
The freedoms and dreams and hope stripped away,
The damage to cherished relationships,
The missed celebrations and opportunities,
The time redirected to medical tasks,
The increased energy required for the most basic activities of daily life.
I grieve the invisible, unspoken milestones,
Like the last time I was healthy in my dreams,
The last time I went to church or a concert or a wedding or a graduation,
The last time I ran or hiked or danced
Or worked or cleaned or cooked or showered
Without careful pacing,
Or spent a day making music or curled up in a bookshop chair.
I grieve the hurtful words denying or blaming me for my weakness,
Society’s assessment of me as both “not enough” and “too much,”
The shame and gaslighting.
Come alongside me today, Abba Father,
Suffering Savior,
Counselor, Comforter, Advocate.
Comfort the sadness;
Make Your loving presence known;
Guide and provide; cure if You will;
Heal my heart, even if my body never recovers in the land of the living.
Thank You for Your promises,
Your presence,
Your intimate companionship even when I am most alone.
Thank You for knowing, loving, and holding me in my brokenness,
Even if all others forsake me.
Thank You for knowing You in the fellowship of Your suffering,
For Your strength in my weakness,
For the sufficiency of Your grace in my thorn.
Thank You for kind words and practical help,
For the foul-weather friends,
For the companions in the same medical storm
And our fellowship in these sufferings.
Thank You for the hope that this same trial is actively producing for me
An exceeding, eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison,
that it is not wasted but generative.
Thank You for Your love which conquers, redeems, and transforms this too
Into glorious good.
Thank You for using this to make me more like my Savior.
Thank You that nothing disables me from knowing You—
Which is true and eternal life—
Or from knowing Christ in the power of His resurrection
And the fellowship of His sufferings.
Thank You for the hope of glory,
For the whole, glorious, redeemed body You are preparing for me
When resurrection comes,
For the hope of no more death, no more alienation, no more tears,
For the restoration of all these locust-eaten years.
Thank You for the everlasting promise that You will be with me now,
In pain and weakness and difficulty,
In loneliness;
That You will hold my hand;
That underneath are the everlasting arms;
That I am loved with an everlasting love.
But today, Lord, I grieve.
I hurt. I lament.
The brokenness overwhelms.
Even enduring hope must be Your gift.
I believe; help my unbelief,
In Jesus’ name.
Amen.
This prayer was originally written for Long Covid Awareness Day 2024. I have revised and re-recorded it for two different medical anniversaries I have this week. In addition, the very first Long Covid patients are approaching their 5th anniversaries with that difficult trial. It seemed a good time to share it again now, here, with the prayer that it gives words to someone who has none. If you can’t read it, please rest in my voice praying it on your behalf. The Lord knows. Courage, dear hearts. ❤️🩹🙏🏻
