I’ve been coaching for years, and there’s a pattern I see over and over again.
The kindest, most conscientious people are often the ones who suffer most in difficult relationships. They’re the ones who absorb criticism like sponges, who lie awake replaying conversations, who question their own worth based on how others treat them.
Kim was one of these people.
The Weight of Other People’s Expectations
When Kim first came to see me, he was exhausted. Not physically tired (though he was that too), but soul-tired. The kind of tired that comes from trying to be someone you’re not for people you love.
“I don’t understand why I let them get to me,” he said during our first session. “I’m a grown man. I’m good at my job. My students love me. But three hours with my family and I feel like I’m twelve years old again, being told I’m not enough.”
Kim’s story isn’t unique. I see it constantly: brilliant, capable people who thrive in some relationships but wither in others. The difference isn’t their character or their worth. It’s the soil they’re trying to grow in.
The Parable That Changed Everything
There’s an ancient story Jesus told about a farmer scattering seeds. Same seeds, wildly different results. Some produced nothing. Others yielded a harvest beyond imagination.
The difference? The ground.
When I shared this parable with Kim, something clicked. He’d been assuming the problem was the seed (him). But what if the problem was the soil (the relational environment he was trying to grow in)?
This isn’t about cutting people off or building walls. It’s about learning to be a wise gardener of your own heart.
The Neuroscience of Emotional Absorption
Here’s what’s happening in your brain when you’re in a toxic relational environment:
Your nervous system is designed to pick up emotional cues from others. It’s a survival mechanism that helped our ancestors navigate tribal dynamics. But in modern relationships, especially with people we love, this system can work against us.
When someone criticises you, your brain doesn’t distinguish between “helpful feedback” and “emotional attack.” It just registers threat. Your cortisol spikes. Your thinking becomes clouded. You either fight back or shut down.
Over time, if you’re constantly in environments where this is happening, your brain starts to expect it. You develop hypervigilance. You begin to interpret neutral comments as criticism. You start believing the negative narratives about yourself.
Kim had been living in this state for years.
The Spiritual Formation Angle
But there’s another layer to this that pure neuroscience misses: the spiritual dimension of formation.
We are being formed by our relationships whether we realise it or not. The voices we listen to most become the inner voice we hear. The values we’re surrounded by slowly become our own. The stories we hear about what’s possible shape what we believe about ourselves.
This is why the parable of the sower is so profound. It’s not just about hearing God’s word in church. It’s about recognizing that every relationship, every environment, every conversation is either supporting your growth or hindering it.
Kim’s family loved him. But their love came wrapped in expectations that didn’t fit who God was calling him to be. Their fears about his future were becoming his fears. Their definition of success was choking out his own sense of calling.
The Practice That Changed Everything
The breakthrough came when Kim learned to pause.
When Uncle Jin would launch into his lectures about wasted potential, Kim would feel that familiar chest tightness. But instead of immediately defending or crumpling, he learned to take one breath.
In that breath, he would ask himself: “What am I going to let take root from this interaction?”
It sounds simple, but it was revolutionary. For the first time, Kim was choosing his formation instead of just absorbing whatever was thrown at him.
He could acknowledge Uncle Jin’s concern without absorbing Uncle Jin’s anxiety. He could honor his family’s love without conforming to their expectations. He could stay connected while still protecting his growth.
Why This Matters for You
Maybe you recognize yourself in Kim’s story. Maybe you’re the person who gives everyone else the benefit of the doubt while being harshest on yourself. Maybe you’re tired of feeling like your emotional well-being depends on how other people treat you.
If so, I want you to know: you’re not broken. You’re not too sensitive. You’re not weak.
You’re just trying to grow in soil that doesn’t support who you’re becoming.
The good news? You can learn to choose your soil.
You can’t always change your garden (your family, your workplace, your circumstances). But you can always choose what you allow to take root in your heart.
The Framework
Kim’s transformation followed a pattern I now use with every client who struggles with toxic relationships:
Spark: Remember that you were made to flourish. Your formation matters to God, and protecting your heart from toxic influences honors the work He’s doing in you.
Trigger: When your chest tightens in conversation, pause. That physical sensation is your cue that you’re about to absorb something that might not serve your growth.
Ease: Simply take one breath before responding. In that breath, ask yourself: “What am I going to let take root from this interaction?”
Perform: Acknowledge their words without absorbing their emotion. You might say, “I hear that you’re concerned about me” while internally choosing not to let their anxiety become yours.
Sustain: Each morning, remind yourself: “I am the gardener of my own heart today.” Each evening, reflect: “What did I choose to let take root today?”
The Ripple Effect
Six months later, Kim was a different person. Not because his family had changed (they hadn’t much), but because he’d learned to be good soil for the right things while protecting himself from what would choke his growth.
His teaching improved because he wasn’t carrying emotional baggage from family interactions into his classroom. His relationships deepened because he could be present without being defensive. His sense of calling clarified because he wasn’t constantly questioning himself based on others’ expectations.
Same person. Different soil. Completely different harvest.
Your Turn
Kim’s story is just one of four breakthrough frameworks I share in “The Prison Break: Your First Four Steps to Freedom.” Each practice builds on the last, creating a complete system for breaking free from patterns that keep you stuck.
But it all starts with this recognition: you are being formed right now. The question is whether you’re choosing your formation or just absorbing whatever comes your way.
What soil are you growing in? What voices are you letting take root? What would change if you started being a wise gardener of your own heart?
Your breakthrough might be one practice away.
Read Kim’s complete story and discover the other three transformational practices in “The Prison Break” - available free at: https://guide.differencemakers.me/theprisonbreak1
The same principles that guide real transformation also drive the character development in my upcoming novel “The Insiders” - available for pre-order at: https://books2read.com/TheInsiders
