Welcome to this MAD Coaching Habit from Difference Makers by John Michael.
Differencemakers.substack.com
Holding on too tightly isn’t strength—it’s fear disguised as control.
This is Mel’s Story
Introduction: The Breaking Point
They say you can’t pour from an empty cup, but lately, it felt like my cup had cracked at the base. Life had become an exhausting cycle: rushing Ellie to primary school, dropping Jack off at Kindergarten, juggling my job, and trying to manage the house while Simon traveled for work.
I was up late again, staring at the baby monitor’s faint glow. Jack had been sick that day, and my mother-in-law’s voice still echoed in my mind: “A mother’s job is to look after her children, not chase some career.”
Normally, I’d brush it off, but tonight it stung. I was trying so hard to be everything—perfect mum, supportive wife, competent professional. But the harder I worked, the less it seemed to matter. I was exhausted, resentful, and honestly, scared. Scared that if I loosened my grip on anything, it would all fall apart.
I sighed, whispering into the silence, “Lord, I can’t do this anymore. Help me.”
The Tight Grip Trap: When Control Becomes a Cage
The next morning, I was running on fumes. Jack was still sick, Simon was calling from an airport somewhere in Europe, and Ellie couldn’t find her PE shoes. By the time I got everyone where they needed to be and logged into work, I was frazzled.
At lunch, I vented to my friend Maria. “I feel like if I let go of even one thing, everything will collapse. I just can’t relax, even for a moment.”
Maria looked at me thoughtfully. “You remind me of my golf game.”
I blinked. “Your what? I don’t have time for golf. These days, I barley have time for…” Maria held up a placating hand and laughed.
“When I was learning to golf, I used to grip the club so tightly because I thought that’s what it took to control the ball. But the tighter I held on, the worse my shots were. Remember that golf pro? He showed me how to loosen my grip and trust the club to do what it’s designed to do.” She smiled at the memory, “Turns out he was so right on the money. My tee shots starting going further than Dave’s, and straighter. He wasn’t so happy about it.” She smirked at that memory.
Her words stayed with me all day. I realised I’d been gripping my life the same way Maria had gripped her golf club. The harder I held on, the more things seemed to spiral.
That evening, as I sat in the, for once, quiet apartment, I felt God nudging me. “Trust Me,” the whisper seemed to say. Proverbs 3:5-6 came to mind: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.”
I knew I wasn’t trusting Him. I wasn’t trusting the team. I was trusting me. And it wasn’t working.
Unlearning Control: Understanding the Problem
Later that week, I stumbled upon a podcast while folding laundry. The speaker was talking about something called the “locus of control.” He explained that people with an internal locus believe their actions influence outcomes, while those with an external locus blame outside forces for their circumstances.
“That’s me,” I thought. “I believe I have to control everything. If something goes wrong, it’s my fault. If something goes right, it’s only because I worked myself to exhaustion.”
The speaker went deeper. “But here’s the trap: believing everything depends on you creates stress. It overworks your brain’s prefrontal cortex, the part that handles decision-making, until you’re burned out. When that happens, your amygdala—the brain’s fear centre—takes over, and you spiral into anxiety.”
I felt seen. Every crisis, big or small, felt like an emergency I had to solve alone.
The speaker ended with a powerful thought: “Your job is to take the next step, but trust God to light your path and the outcomes.”
I paused the podcast, tears welling up. For so long, I’d been trying to control everything, but maybe God was asking me to let go and let Him take over.
Isaiah 41:10 echoed in my mind: “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.” I realised I didn’t have to do this alone.
Letting Go, Leading Strong: Practicing Trust
The next day, I decided to experiment. When my mother-in-law called to check on Jack, I took a deep breath and asked her for help. “Could you pick him up from Kindergarten tomorrow? I need a little time to catch up on work.”
There was a pause—I braced myself for a lecture—but she said, “Of course.”
It wasn’t perfect. I spent the afternoon second-guessing myself. But when I picked Jack up later, he was happy, and I’d had one of my most productive workdays in weeks.
At work, I tried something similar. I delegated a project I usually micromanaged to my team, giving them clear expectations but stepping back. When they presented their ideas, I was amazed at their creativity.
Each time I felt the urge to step in and control, I paused, breathed, and whispered, “God, it’s in your hands now.” Slowly, I noticed a shift. My stress was less intense. My team felt more empowered. Even Simon noticed I wasn’t snapping at him as much.
Empowered to Empower: Trusting Others to Thrive
Over the next few weeks, something amazing happened. My kids seemed happier. Ellie started managing her own homework! She planned it out without me nagging, hovering, cajoling. Jack proudly showed me a picture he’d coloured “all by himself.”
At work, my team became more engaged. They felt my trust and stepped up in ways I hadn’t expected. Even my mother-in-law commented on how much more relaxed I seemed. And I was even getting more done! Instead of always running out of time, I found stray minutes here and there to just sit and sip a cup of tea, gazing at the sky and the clouds.
One night, Simon and I had a rare quiet moment after the kids were asleep. “You’ve changed,” he said. “You seem lighter. Less harried. Like you’re not carrying a load with everything alone anymore.”
I smiled, thinking he was right. Daring to trust others and trusting God had transformed not just my stress levels but also my relationships.
I had, as 1 Peter 5:7 says, “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”
From Learner to Leader: Teaching the Lesson
One afternoon, Maria and I met for coffee again. I told her everything I’d learned about loosening my grip—how trusting God, asking for help, and delegating had changed my life.
“You should teach this to others,” she said with a grin.
I laughed, but I knew she was right. I’d seen how empowering others had transformed my family and my work. Now, I wanted to help others experience the same freedom.
As Jesus said in Matthew 5:16, “Let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”
Conclusion: Take the Next Step Toward Freedom
Mel’s story isn’t just hers—it’s ours. We’ve all felt the weight of juggling too much, the frustration of things slipping through our fingers despite our best efforts. But Mel discovered something profound: loosening your grip doesn’t mean losing control—it means trusting the right things. By shifting your focus to what matters most, empowering others, and leaning on God, you can find clarity, peace, and purpose.
Here’s how you can take this journey forward in your own life:
Why You Should Do This (Motivate):
Holding on too tightly isn’t strength—it’s fear disguised as control. Like Mel, you might think that keeping everything together rests solely on your shoulders. But this mindset leads to burnout, stress, and missed opportunities to thrive. When you loosen your grip and trust your “tools” to do their job and, above all, trust God, you free yourself to live with greater clarity, joy, and purpose.
When Mel paused to trust God and let others help and do what they do best, everything shifted. She felt less stress, her relationships improved, and her work became more fulfilling. You deserve that same freedom. Remember: God hasn’t called you to carry it all; He’s called you to trust Him.
What You Need to Know (Acquire):
* The Locus of Control: You can influence many outcomes, but you’re not responsible for everything. A balanced internal locus of control—paired with trust in God—brings peace and clarity.
* The Neuroscience of Stress: Chronic over-control activates the brain’s fear centre (the amygdala), causing anxiety and burnout. Trusting others reduces stress and improves decision-making, empowering both you and those around you.
* Biblical Truth: Scripture is full of reminders that God is in control. Proverbs 3:5-6 and 1 Peter 5:7 remind us to lean on Him and cast our cares at His feet.
How You Can Practice (Knowledge Application):
Here’s how to begin loosening your grip today:
* Pause and Pray: When you feel the urge to control everything, pause. Take three deep breaths and say, “Lord, I trust You with this.” Repeat this as often as needed.
* Start Small: Like Mel asking her mother-in-law for help or delegating a project at work, begin with one area where you can release control. Notice how it feels and how others step up.
* Reflect Daily: Each evening, write down one moment where you loosened your grip. How did it go? How did it feel? Over time, these reflections will reinforce your new habit.
Steps You Can Take in Real Life (Empower):
The real-world benefits of this mindset go beyond reduced stress: they ripple out to your relationships, work, and spiritual life.
* Seek Support: Like Mel’s request for help from her mother-in-law, identify people you can trust to share the load. Delegation is a skill, and it starts with communication.
* Set Boundaries: “No” is a magic word you need to practice. Protect your energy by saying “no” to unnecessary commitments. Trust that God’s grace is enough to fill the gaps.
* Celebrate Progress: Every small success—your child solving a problem independently, a coworker stepping up at work—is a win. Celebrate these moments as evidence of God’s provision.
Questions for Reflection (Review):
Take time to evaluate your growth:
* What areas of your life do you still hold too tightly?
* How has pausing, praying, and delegating changed your outcomes?
* Are you noticing shifts in your stress, relationships, or faith?
* What’s one thing you can try differently tomorrow?
Reviewing your journey regularly will help you refine your habits and deepen your trust in God and others.
Suggestions for Sharing (Share):
The best way to solidify your growth is to help others take the same journey.
* Teach Someone Else: Share your story with a friend, family member, or coworker who’s struggling with similar challenges.
* Be a Role Model: Your willingness to trust and delegate will inspire others to do the same.
* Offer Encouragement: Like Maria did for Mel, remind others that loosening their grip doesn’t mean giving up—it means letting go to grow.
Final Encouragement
Loosening your grip isn’t about abandoning responsibility—it’s about stepping into a life of balance and trust. Just as Mel discovered, God’s plan for you is one of freedom, not fear. Take the next step today: pause, pray, and let go of what you were never meant to carry alone.
Trust that God is working in ways you can’t see, and when you do, you’ll find peace—not just for yourself, but for those around you. Then, pass it on. Share your story. You might be the encouragement someone else needs to take their first step.
Remember: Holding on too tightly isn’t strength—it’s fear disguised as control.
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