In a city that never sleeps, I found myself sleepwalking through my life. The notifications wouldn't stop buzzing. I swiped them away - another LinkedIn connection, three WhatsApp messages from the team project, and endless email alerts competing for attention. From my office window, Singapore's cacophony of traffic and building works created its familiar soundscape.
I stared at my screen, the quarterly report numbers swimming before my eyes. Five years into this role and each day felt identical to the last. My Instagram feed showed university friends launching startups, travelling to exotic locations, living what seemed like fuller lives.
"Still at your desk, Kim?"
My colleague Mark's voice cut through my thoughts. I nodded, managing a weak smile.
"Those reports won't write themselves." He chuckled, heading towards the lift.
The clock showed 7:30 PM. Another late night. I rubbed my temples, trying to focus, when my phone lit up with a different kind of notification.
"Been thinking about our last conversation. Coffee next week? - Tom"
Dr. Tom Harris. My old university mentor. Our paths had crossed at a leadership seminar during my final year. His words from our last meeting echoed: "Knowledge without application is like having a library in a locked room."
I picked up my phone, memories flooding back of our discussions about purpose and potential. Back then, everything had seemed possible. Now, buried under deadlines and expectations, those conversations felt like relics from another life.
My thumb hovered over the reply button. Tom had this way of asking questions that made you question everything - your choices, your patterns, your direction. Part of me craved that clarity again. Another part feared what those questions might reveal about where I'd ended up.
The office had grown quiet, most colleagues long gone. In the reflection of my darkened monitor, I barely recognised myself. When had I stopped growing and started simply surviving?
I typed: "Coffee sounds good. Name the time and place."
The café Tom chose sat nestled between a rare bookshop and an artisan bakery, overlooking the Marina Bay. As I pushed open the door, the aroma of fresh coffee and warm pastries wrapped around me like a familiar hug.
"Over here, Kim." Tom waved from a corner table, his silver-streaked hair catching the morning light. He stood to greet me, his kind eyes crinkling at the corners.
"You look exactly the same," I said, settling into the weathered leather armchair opposite him.
"The grey hair might disagree." He tapped his temple with a smile. "But you - something's different."
I shifted in my seat. "Different how?"
"Like you're carrying the weight of unasked questions." He leaned forward. "Tell me, what shapes your days now?"
"Work, mostly. Reports, deadlines, meetings." I traced the rim of my coffee cup. "It's funny - I have more knowledge than ever, more qualifications, but..."
"But you feel less formed by it all?"
I looked up, startled by his precision.
"You know," Tom continued, "our brains are remarkable things. Neuroplasticity means we're constantly being shaped - by our habits, relationships, surroundings, experiences, time. The HRSET influences, I call them. Every notification you check, every person you spend time with, every story you tell yourself about success - they're all leaving their mark."
"Like water wearing away rock?"
"Exactly. But here's the fascinating part - we can direct that flow. Take Sarah, one of my students. Brilliant analyst, but felt stuck like you. She started small - changed her morning routine from checking emails to reading something meaningful. Within months, her whole outlook shifted."
The steam from my coffee curled upward as I absorbed his words. "So it's not about learning more..."
"It's about being intentional with what forms you. Your brain doesn't distinguish between passive consumption and active choice - it's all formation. The question is: are you choosing what shapes you, or letting circumstance decide?" Tom leaned forward, his eyes bright with purpose. "Recent studies show our brains physically change based on what we focus on - they call it neuroplasticity. The ancient wisdom about guarding your heart and mind? Science is catching up to what scripture knew all along. When you choose to direct your attention mindfully, you're literally rewiring your neural pathways. That's the beauty of it - you have far more power to shape yourself than you might think."
The weekend after meeting Tom, I stood in my apartment, really seeing it for the first time in months. Takeaway containers littered the coffee table. Unread books competed with Amazon packages for space. My laptop, tablet, and phone formed a tech trinity on every surface, their notification lights blinking like desperate stars.
"Your environment shapes your neural pathways," Tom had explained. "Each visual cue triggers specific thought patterns."
I picked up my phone - 47 notifications since morning. My thumb moved automatically to check them, but I caught myself. Instead, I opened the settings and began turning off notifications one by one. Each toggle felt like breaking a tiny chain.
Moving to my desk, I faced the wall of sticky notes - reminders, to-dos, half-formed ideas. "Be transformed by the renewing of your mind," I murmured, remembering the quote Tom had shared. I started peeling them off, sorting urgent from unnecessary. Most fell into the latter category.
The books came next. I created three piles: keep, donate, and storage. My collection of self-help books, barely touched beyond the first chapter, went straight to donations. The classics I'd been meaning to read for years moved to my bedside table.
My laptop chimed - another email. I closed it firmly.
Two hours later, I stood in the middle of my living room. Sunlight streamed through windows I'd forgotten existed behind the clutter. The space felt different - lighter somehow. On my cleared desk sat just my journal and a single book Tom had recommended.
My phone stayed silent in the drawer where I'd placed it. The constant digital hum that had become my background noise had ceased. In its absence, I heard birds outside my window and the gentle tick of my wall clock.
For the first time in months, my mind felt quieter too. The space around me no longer screamed for attention from every angle. Instead, it waited, ready for whatever I chose to fill it with.
The Monday morning team meeting felt different. I sat straighter, observing the familiar dance of office politics with new eyes. Sarah from Marketing nodded enthusiastically at every word from our director, while James kept shooting anxious glances at his superiors, his tablet clutched like a shield.
"And finally," our director announced, "we need someone to lead the Wilson account project. Any volunteers?"
The silence stretched. I watched my colleagues shift in their seats, some suddenly fascinated by their notebooks. In the past, I'd have done the same, but Tom's words echoed: "Your relationships shape your neural pathways as much as your habits do."
My hand rose. "I'll take it."
"Excellent, Kim. You'll have a team of three. Sort out the details and have a preliminary plan by Friday."
Later, reviewing the team roster, I recognised a pattern. Jenny - always first to agree with management. Mike - brilliant but perpetually negative. And Rachel - new, still finding her footing.
I'd been them all at different points - the yes-person, the cynic, the uncertain newcomer. Each role had left its mark, shaping my responses, my decisions, my growth.
Instead of the usual email chain, I booked a small meeting room. "Let's start by sharing our thoughts openly," I suggested. "No right or wrong answers."
Jenny's practiced smile faltered. Mike's eyebrows shot up. Rachel leaned forward, intrigued.
"I know we all have different working styles," I continued. "That's good. We need that diversity. But we also need honest communication."
Mike snorted. "In this company?"
"Yes," I met his gaze. "Starting with this team."
As we talked, the dynamics shifted. Jenny began offering genuine critiques. Mike's cynicism softened into constructive feedback. Rachel shared innovative ideas she'd been hesitant to voice.
I watched them interact, remembering Tom's explanation about mirror neurons and emotional contagion - how we unconsciously mimic and absorb the behaviours of those around us. This wasn't just about completing a project; it was about creating an environment where everyone could grow.
The next morning, my alarm buzzed at 6 AM. Instead of reaching for my phone, I sat up and opened my journal - a new habit Tom had suggested.
"Your brain's reward system is fascinating," he'd explained over our second coffee meeting. "Every time you check your phone first thing, you're reinforcing neural pathways that crave that dopamine hit. But you can rewire those pathways."
I wrote the verse he'd shared: "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." The words felt different in the quiet of dawn, before the day's chaos began.
My old routine had been a blur of notifications, emails, and social media checks before I'd even brushed my teeth. Now, I sat cross-legged on my bed, writing three things I was grateful for, followed by my intentions for the day.
"Think of habits like water flowing downhill," Tom's voice echoed in my memory. "The more water flows, the deeper the channel becomes. But you can create new channels with consistent, intentional action."
By day five, my hands still itched for my phone each morning. But the journal pages were filling up, and I noticed subtle changes. My thoughts felt clearer. I started hearing birds outside my window - had they always been there?
Week two brought a new challenge: the afternoon slump. Usually, I'd scroll through social media or browse online shops. Instead, I started taking short walks around the block.
"Movement creates new neural connections," Tom had explained. "Plus, natural light helps regulate your circadian rhythm."
The hardest part wasn't starting these new habits - it was maintaining them when work pressures mounted. During a particularly stressful project deadline, I caught myself reaching for my phone mindlessly.
But something had shifted. I recognized the automatic response for what it was - my brain seeking quick comfort. Instead of giving in, I took three deep breaths and opened my journal.
The Wilson project transformed into more than just another deliverable. Each team meeting became a workshop in intentional growth. I watched Jenny discover her voice, Mike channel his criticism into innovation, and Rachel bloom with confidence.
"Remember how terrified I was to speak up?" Rachel confided during our coffee break. "Your encouragement changed everything."
I smiled, remembering Tom's words about experiences being neural architects. "Sometimes we need someone to show us what's possible."
The quarterly review approached. Instead of our usual slide deck, we presented our findings through interactive sessions. The board members leaned forward, engaged. Our director's eyebrows rose appreciatively.
"Exceptional work," he commented afterward. "Kim, I'd like you to consider heading up our new leadership development initiative."
That evening, sorting through my journal entries from the past months, I traced the path of change. The morning routines had become automatic. The team's success sparked a ripple effect across departments. Other teams started adopting our open communication style.
During lunch, Sarah from Marketing approached my desk. "Your team seems different lately. More... alive somehow. What's your secret?"
I thought about Tom's HRSET framework - how habits, relationships, stories, environment, and time weave together to shape us. "It's not really a secret," I replied. "It's about being intentional with what forms us."
"Forms us?"
"Think about it - every meeting we attend, every conversation we have, every hour we spend - they're all leaving their mark. The question is: are we choosing what shapes us?"
She leaned against my desk, intrigued. "Tell me more."
I opened my journal, sharing the simple changes that had sparked such profound shifts. As I spoke, I saw the same recognition in her eyes that I'd felt in that first coffee shop conversation with Tom.
As Sarah and I talked, the office lights dimmed automatically - it was already past seven. Through the window, Singapore's skyline had transformed from its daytime steel-and-glass facade into a constellation of twinkling lights of Marina Bay and the ships anchored in the strait.
"I never noticed how beautiful it looks at this hour," Sarah mused, following my gaze.
I smiled, remembering how I used to stare at these same lights, feeling trapped in an endless cycle. Now they reminded me of stars guiding ships home.
My phone buzzed - a message from Tom: "Coffee next week?"
Looking at my cleared desk, where a single journal now sat instead of scattered papers and multiple devices, I thought about that first evening when his message had pierced through my digital fog. Back then, I'd been drowning in notifications, each ping pulling me further from shore.
Now, like a ship that had found its compass, I navigated with purpose. The notifications still came, but they no longer steered my course. Instead of being swept along by the current of endless demands, I'd learned to set my own heading.
"It's like watching a butterfly emerge," Sarah said suddenly. "Your team, these changes - it's been like witnessing a cocoon slowly open."
I touched my journal, its pages now filled with six months of small choices and daily intentions. She was right - transformation wasn't about dramatic gestures or complete reinvention. It was about creating space for emergence, one conscious choice at a time.
Outside, the city lights continued their silent dance against the darkening sky, no longer symbols of my confinement but beacons marking the path of possibility. Each light represented a choice, a moment of intention, a small step toward becoming.
The story of Kim's transformation in "The Fabric of Formation" serves as a poignant reminder of the importance of taking control of what shapes us and our ways of being. In a world filled with endless distractions and external influences, it's easy to slip into autopilot and let the noise dictate our path. However, as Kim's journey illustrates, we hold the power to choose the forces that mould us—our habits, relationships, and environment. We can either be passive recipients of the constant barrage of digital stimuli and societal pressures or intentionally craft our lives to reflect our true values and aspirations.
The MAD Coaching Habit is here to empower you to reclaim this control, offering practical steps and resources for a more intentional life. Start your journey toward intentional formation by subscribing and accessing tools like the Formation Audit. It's time to decide who's in the driver's seat of your life's formation: external circumstances or your own deliberate choices. Join the difference Makers Community today and take the first step in shaping your own future self.
Just follow the link on the substack page or go to differencemakers.substack.com Sign up and enjoy a free trial on us.
