Prologue | As Nature Knows
Not all endings are tragedies. Some are contractions—waves of breaking and becoming, as raw as they are necessary.
If we look to nature, we see it clearly: Birth is not quiet. It is not clean. It tears. It floods. It demands everything before offering anything.
Even spring, so full of bloom, begins in the shattering of ice. In the thaw. In the splitting open of seed and soil.
So too, this life of mine—what dissolves is not just pain, but what no longer fits. What held me too tightly, or not at all.
And yes, it hurts. Yes, it asks more of me than I thought I had to give.
And beneath it all, a knowing rises: I am not falling apart. I am breaking open.
This is not a collapse. This is a beginning wearing the face of fire. Let each part be spoken. Let each piece fall away with purpose.
Because something new is arriving. And I intend to meet it whole.
1 | Dissolving | Relationships
Dissolving Begins
They faded quietly,not like doors slamming,but like rooms emptiedwithout warning.
At the beginning of 2024,I still said friend out loudand believed it.By January 2025,only three still reached back.Today, only one remains.
It wasn’t betrayal.It was erosion.A slow wearing awayof who I had to becometo be tolerated.
They loved the versionwho twisted into usefulness,who bore weightwithout asking for gentleness in return.
But I could no longer holdthat shape.I unfolded.And when I did,most of themlet go.
What dissolvedwas not just connection.It was the performanceof closeness,the silent contractto be small.
And in their absence,a stillness.Painful.Clean.
2 | Dissolving | The Company
Collapse and Exhaustion
I gave it everything.Before it was even mine,I gave it everything.
My thirties, my forties, into my fifties,the hours I should have slept,the years I should have been healing—all offeredto something I helped buildfrom ash.
And when it became mine,when my name was on it,when the title matched the effort,I thought:maybe nowit will return the favor.
But it didn’t.It couldn’t.
It devoured me gently.It wore my namelike armorwhile hollowing out my health,my finances,my spirit.
Fifteen years of tryingto save a sinking thing.And still, I blame myselffor the drowning.
And I am not the water.I am not the hole in the hull.
I am the onefinally swimming away.
3 | Dissolving | The House
Letting Go of Space
I look aroundat everything I gatheredto make permanence feel possible.
Books in corners.Fabrics on chairs.Walls I once touchedas if they could hold me.
But this was never mine.Not fully.Not truly.
It was a containerfor survival,not a sanctuary.
Now,I walk from room to roomand ask:Will this come with me?Will this wait in storage?Will this be released?
Two suitcases.That’s all I’ll carry.
Everything elsewill be sold, stored,or surrendered.
And somehow,this feels like clarity.Like stripping down to the boneso I can rememberhow to feel light again.
4 | Dissolving | The Community of Heirs
The Quiet Breaking
We shared a lineage,a name,an agreement writtenin inheritance and grief.
Bound by loss.Bound by law.Bound by the fragile threadof family.
My brother wants to endthe shared bondof what we’ve been given.
On paper,it’s just the dissolutionof a legal structure.But to me,it’s the quiet endof the last threadI once called home.
It does not feel like betrayal.It feels like standing aloneon the last remaining dockas the ship pulls away.
And yes,there will be money.A beginning, perhaps.A resource.
But also:a goodbyeto the illusionof being part of somethingthat could not hold me.
And in that,a loss I cannot nameexcept to say:I feel it everywhere.
5 | Dissolving | The Country
Refusal and Release
It was never safe.Not really.
The streets I walkedtaught me to shrink.The systems I worked inrewarded my silence.
This country never saw me.Only what I could produce.Only what I could endure.
I played by its rulesand was stillfound guiltyof being too much,too different,too human.
My body learnedto brace itselfevery time I left the house.Hypervigilance became habit.Tension became the tideI lived inside.
I do not owe this placemy breath.It cannot havewhat little strength remains.
I am not fleeing.I am refusing.
I will leave.Not just the land—but the violenceit taught me to accept.
I am donebeing loyalto somethingthat never kept me safe.
6 | Dissolving | My Past Life / Emergence
The Becoming
It is all gone.
The roles,the rooms,the residue.
I do not mournthe scaffolding.I mournhow long I stayed inside it.
And yet—even that grieffeels like a door opening.
No more keys.No more ownership.No more architecturebuilt from obligation.
What emerges nowis not a plan—but a pulse.
A rhythm I finally hear.A self I finally feel.
I do not know the nameof the life I am walking into.But I know this:it is mine.
Fully.Gently.Wildly.
Two suitcases.An open sky.And a selfno longer divided.
This is not a beginning.This is the becoming.
I am not dissolving.I am becoming water,light,motion.
I am not starting over.I am arriving.
With Gratitude
To all who walk with meon this path toward Emergence—thank you.
Your presence, belief, and carehave helped carry this unfoldingfrom silence into voice,from survival into possibility.
With special thanks to:Ramona Grigg , Lily Pond, Sandra Pawula, Mesa Fama,Betina Cunado, Rosana Francescato, Dr. Tara Cousineau ,Tracy Mansolillo, Linnea Butler, MS, LMFT, Ellie Bozmarova, Healing Stories , ❁ SILKE KRISTIN JUELICH ❁, Christina T. Diaz,Jules, Julie Snider, Ros Barber, Lisa Bolin, Dr Vicki Connop, Plata Life (she/her)Tracey Edelist, PhD, Teyani Whitman , Dr. Jessica de Jarnette , Becca Lawton, Kendall Lamb , Debbie | Behind Shoji Doors , Beth Cruz Cassandra Zilinsky, Susan Heathfield , Dina Bell-Laroche, Lisa Tea Constellations In Her Bones and Gloria Horton-Young —
as well as all of my paid subscribers,and those who have trusted me with their stories,their questions, their healing.
Through your support,you’ve kept this dream—of one day arriving fully in my life—vibrant, rooted, and very much alive.
With all my heart: thank you.
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