We are taught that empathy is a virtue. But what happens when your kindness becomes the weapon used against you?
We often believe that if we are just “nice enough,” “helpful enough,” or “compliant enough,” we can make our relationships work. We think our empathy is a shield. But my latest guest, communication coach Robin Robin Golinski, learned the hard way that for a manipulator, your empathy isn’t a shield, it’s a target.
In a candid and heartbreaking conversation, Robin shared how she went from being a prominent business owner to facing a “dark night of the soul” in 2011: a trifecta of divorce, bankruptcy, and foreclosure.
Here is what she learned about the high cost of compliance, and how you can reclaim your voice before it’s too late.
The “Service” Trap
Robin’s struggle didn’t start with her husband; it started with a core limiting belief developed in childhood: “I am only of worth through my own acts of service.”.
This is a common trap for many of us. We believe we are only lovable if we are useful. We think we can only be respected as long as we are providing value.
Because of this low self-worth, Robin was perfectly positioned for a manipulator. Unlike her mother, who was critical, her husband was her “biggest cheerleader”. He validated her. He love-bombed her.
As Robin put it in one of the most chilling metaphors of the episode:
“His praise was just the rope used to tie me up with.”
“I Thought You Were Smart”
The most painful moment of Robin’s story wasn’t the loss of money—it was the loss of identity.
When the house of cards finally collapsed and Robin realized her husband had buried her financially, she had to tell her 17-year-old daughter. Her daughter looked at her and said five words that cut deeper than any bankruptcy hearing:
“Huh. I thought you were smart.”
It was a knife through the heart. Robin had spent years trying to “finesse” the situation, thinking she was smart enough to untangle the mess quietly. But manipulators thrive in the shadows. By keeping his secrets to avoid “confrontation,” she had become an accomplice to her own destruction.
The Cost of Compliance
Why do we stay? Why do we say “yes” when our intuition screams “no”?
Robin explains that we are terrified of the backlash. We convince ourselves that “it’s just easier” to comply in the moment to wear the outfit he wants, to sign the paper, to agree to the demand.
But Robin argues that we need to calculate the Cost of Compliance. The cost is not just annoyance; it is the “erosion of yourself”. When you constantly comply to keep the peace, you stop trusting yourself. You realize you cannot rely on you.
The Tool: Hit The Pause Button
So, how do you break free?
Robin teaches us that we don’t need to start a war. We just need to stop rolling over. Her number one tool for building mental resilience is simple: The Pause Button.
Manipulators rely on urgency. They want you to agree now, while you are distracted or emotional.
* Step 1: Stop talking. (Talking too much provides fodder for them to use against you) .
* Step 2: Take a breath to move from your “fight or flight” brain back to your thinking brain.
* Step 3: Use a non-compliant phrase. “I’ll think about it.” “I’m not making that decision right now.”.
A New Beginning
If you are currently staring down the barrel of a major life reset, a divorce, a job loss, a betrayal, Robin has one final reframing for you.
When we lose everything, we feel like we have failed. But Robin channels Janis Joplin’s philosophy: Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.
Is it a loss? Or is it a new beginning?.
When Robin stopped trying to save the “house of cards” and finally let it fall, she found something stronger underneath: her own resilience. She realized her creativity, her skills, and her voice were things that couldn’t be foreclosed on.
Listen to the full episode to hear exactly how Robin rebuilt her life and the specific scripts she uses to outwit manipulators.
