Every November/December, the world slips into this shimmering, glitter-covered dream where joy is supposed to be automatic. The songs promise it’s “the most wonderful time of the year.” The commercials show families who apparently have never argued, burned dinner, or lost anyone they love.
But the reality?For many of us, the holidays feel like a weight. We dread it.
We’re supposed to travel through crowded airports, spend money we don’t have, and sit with people we may not even like. Or, we may have no one to spend the time with.
Beneath the tinsel and the expectations, something deeper is happening—emotionally, psychologically, even biologically. The more we understand it, the more compassionate we can be with ourselves.
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The False Shine of Unrealistic Expectations
We grow up believing the holidays should look like a Hallmark card. Perfect meals. Perfect moods. Perfect relationships.
And when life doesn’t match that script? Shame creeps in.
Years ago, I was in a relationship where every holiday—even Valentine’s Day—collapsed into chaos. We’re talking threats of self-harm, broken dishes, shouting, and physical aggression. After enough cycles, I finally realized the pattern and spoke with her about it. She admitted the truth:
“It’s the expectations. I can’t handle what the holidays are supposed to feel like. When they don’t turn out that way, I lose it.”
That stuck with me.Unrealistic expectations don’t lead to joy—they lead to explosions at worst, disappointment at best.
Winter Is Dark, Literally and Spiritually
There’s also a reason all of this happens this time of year—not just culturally, but cosmically.
During this season:
* The sun is weak
* The days are short
* Circadian rhythms dip
* Our bodies crave rest, warmth, and stillness
Ancient pagans lit fires and brought evergreen branches indoors to fight back the literal darkness. They weren’t decorating—they were surviving.
Today, we push ourselves harder at a moment when nature is whispering, “Slow down”.
That mismatch affects our mood more than we realize. We’re fighing the seasons and our bodies.
The Holidays as a Portal to the Past
The holidays summon memories—some comforting, some painful.
We remember:
* parents and grandparents who have transitioned
* children who have grown or moved away
* marriages that ended
* friendships that faded
* homes we no longer live in
* the version of ourselves that existed back then
Intellectually, we know life changes. We know nothing lasts forever. But, emotionally, we long for the familiar.
The holidays turn all of that up to 11, and we can find ourselves wishing to be in the past rather than being present in the now.
Family Tension, Political Stress, and Forced Proximity
Let’s be honest: sometimes the hardest part of the holidays is the people sitting around the table.
We live in a polarized moment. But let’s be honest, tensions have always existed, even within families. Political differences, religious tensions, old family roles—they all flare during the holidays.
In fact, I’m giving a talk in two days about exactly this: strategies for navigating family dynamics this season. Because for many people, the holidays mean spending time with people they’d otherwise avoid.
Without a plan, those gatherings can turn volatile—fast.
What Helps
Here’s what we can control:
✔ Reset Your Expectations
Your holidays don’t have to look like anyone else’s. And, they’re most likely not going to look like the past.
✔ Create New Traditions
Let the next chapter be shaped by who you are now—not who you used to be. You don’t have to roast a 20-pound turkey. You might not even like turkey. Do what feels right to you now.
✔ Have a Plan for Hard Conversations
Decide ahead of time:
* What topics are off-limits?
* How long will you stay? If you have a significant other you’re attending with, have a plan before you get there.
* Who can you take a break with or call if you need support?
✔ Practice Impermanence
Mindfulness and meditation help us soften around change.Everything shifts. That’s not failure—it’s the nature of life. Be grateful for the past and make new memories in the present.
A Final Word
If the holidays feel heavy, you’re not broken. You’re human.
This time of year blends light and shadow, memory and longing, joy and ache. It asks us to be festive at the very moment our bodies and spirits are moving inward. So be gentle with yourself. Be spacious with your heart.
Let the lights you hang be symbolic of the light you’re tending within.
And remember: even the longest winter turns toward the sun.
