When my daughter Shayna passed, I was searching for anything that could help me make sense of my grief. That’s when I discovered the animated film Coco. Like many, I found comfort in its message—that our loved ones continue to “live” as long as we remember them. It was beautiful, heartwarming, and—at the time—exactly what I needed.
But now, with the spiritual understanding I’ve gained over the years, I have to take a step back and say: That’s not the whole story.
🎬 What Is Coco About?
For those unfamiliar, Coco is a Disney/Pixar film set during DĂa de los Muertos—the Day of the Dead, a Mexican tradition honoring those who have passed on. It follows a young boy named Miguel who accidentally crosses into the Land of the Dead. There, he meets his ancestors and learns that spirits only continue to exist as long as someone in the living world remembers them. Once they are forgotten, they experience what the movie calls the “Final Death”—a kind of second, permanent disappearance.
The film’s emotional arc hinges on the idea that remembering our loved ones keeps them “alive.” It’s a powerful message, especially for grieving hearts—but it’s also one that deserves a closer look.
🧠A Quantum Analogy—Misapplied?
Coco's view echoes a popular interpretation in quantum physics: that the presence of an observer determines what becomes “real.” But in this case, it’s suggesting that we—the ones left behind—are the only observers that matter. That our remembering gives our loved ones form, and when that memory fades, so do they.
But let me ask you: Is that really all there is to them?
🌌 Our Loved Ones Are Not Dependent on Our Memory
The truth I’ve come to understand is this: Our loved ones are not figments of memory. They’re not just echoes or shadows living in our stories. They continue to exist—not because we remember them, but because they are real, alive in a world just as real (if not more real) than the one we live in now.
When our loved ones cross over, they don’t go into some memory-shaped dimension held together by photo frames. They go Home. A place of joy, wholeness, love, and growth. They are doing their own work, evolving, watching over us—not passively waiting in a purgatory of our minds, but thriving in a reality where they are central, just as we are here.
🙏🏽 Memory Matters—But It’s For Us
Now, don’t get me wrong—memory is important. Coco captures something profoundly human about the way we carry those we love. Remembering helps us heal. It helps us feel connected. It helps keep our relationships alive in our hearts.
And it’s natural to worry about losing that connection. Most of my clients, at some point, share a fear that their loved one will be forgotten—especially when that person was young, or had only been known for a short time.
When Shayna passed at just 15, we set up a scholarship fund in her name to help keep her memory alive. I worried she might fade from people’s lives. Her friends had only known her for a few short years. But now, a full decade later, I’m amazed by how many of them still remember her—really remember her—and keep her spirit close in their lives.
At one point, I worried Shayna would become “only a memory” to me… that she might become less real as time went on. But now I know those fears were unfounded. My grandmother passed over 40 years ago, and I can still picture her face, hear her voice, feel the touch of her hands. The connection is still there. It’s in my bones.
This fear—that our loved ones will be forgotten—is deeply human. But it’s not something that will happen. Whether or not we build memorials, create scholarships, or write books, their legacy lives on. Those things are beautiful and meaningful—yes—but if you never do any of them, your loved one’s essence, their impact, their love, will not be diminished.
They are remembered in the very fabric of your being. And beyond memory, they exist—not as a thought, but as a soul.
🏠Earth Is Not the Center. This Is Not Home.
One of the biggest misconceptions we hold is that this life, this Earth, is the center of it all. That the real action stops when someone dies. But in reality, this is school, not Home. And when our loved ones graduate, they don’t vanish—they go back to where we all come from.
And yes, they’re still connected to us. They send signs. They visit in dreams. They whisper into our intuition. But they’re not floating in some half-existence, waiting to be remembered so they can stay alive. They are fully alive. And when it’s our time, we’ll see them again—not as distant memories, but as vibrant souls continuing their journey.
❤️ I Still Love Coco—But I No Longer Believe Its Premise
I want to be clear: Coco helped me. It opened my heart at a time when I needed it. But now, I see its central message as limited. Comforting, yes—but incomplete. And sometimes, our grief needs more than poetry. It needs truth.
The truth is, your loved one is still with you. Not because you remember them—but because you are forever connected, soul to soul. And no “Final Death” will ever change that.
✍🏽 Join the Conversation
If this perspective resonates with you—or if Coco meant something to you during your grief—I’d love to hear your thoughts.
You’re not alone.And neither are they.
— Brian
