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I’ve written about this topic before, but I think about it once a week, sometimes more. It’s a section from the book Living Sober, in the chapter called “Watching out for anger and resentments.” Here is the LINK.
The section goes like this:
Here is a look at some of the shapes and colors anger seems at times to arrive in:
Intolerance… Contempt… Envy… Hatred… Snobbishness… Rigidity… Cynicism… Discontent… Tension… Sarcasm… Self-pity… Malice… Distrust… Anxiety… Suspicion… Jealousy.
Man, I love that list. Anger is so tricky and complex, and I have to look under a lot of rocks to figure out where it comes from. Fear is the biggest reason I get mad. Selfishness is also a big part of it. But those 16 descriptions are so intriguing to me because the older I get, the more I find anger disguised as one of those 16.
Now, some of those words are super obvious. I think intolerance, contempt, hatred and malice are all pretty self-explanatory. I don’t know how hard it is to connect the dots between “I hate Fred” and “Oh, I might have a resentment against Fred that I need to look at.”
There’s really only one on that list that I don’t know if I agree with. The word “anxiety” has taken on some new meaning since Living Sober was written. I certainly understand why it’s on there—when I am anxious about something, it usually means there’s some kind of fear or insecurity or frustration going on that I should take a look at. The reason I push back a little bit on it is that I have people in my life who have a medical diagnosis as having anxiety-related issues, and it’s not something a Fourth Step would help them on. It’s an actual condition that needs medication or some other kind of treatment. So I kind of put that one off to the side.
But I wanted to drill down on a couple of the ones listed there.
Self-pity: It’s such a wild concept to me that feeling sorry for myself might be rooted in anger and resentment. But I have found that to be true! When I am doing the whole “Oh, poor me” thing, I am usually angry or scared, or both.
Tension: I’m not quite sure I totally understand the meaning of tension in this context. But I have found places in my life where my anger leads to tension. For instance, the “silent treatment” thing that many people do, including me, is usually anger being channeled into creating a frostiness between me and someone else. At least in my case, it’s usually not a healthy boundary or anything that might be defensible. It’s that I want to freeze you out for a bit and teach you a lesson, which it often petty and angry.
Snobbishness: I think most people would nod their heads and agree that snobbishness is rooted in anger. But I also think most people probably don’t always spot the times in their life when they’re looking down on someone else, making snide comments, rolling their eyes, etc. I have two teenagers that live at my house, so I spot it on an hourly basis… and it makes me better able to spot when I do it myself.
Rigidity: Man, this one really is a problem for me. I have been sober for quite some time now, and I have a very good life, with professional success and enough money to pay my bills. So I think I know what I’m doing. I think when I plan something, it’s probably a great plan, so everybody should just shut up and do it.
Oh my god, I can’t even tell you how dumb that is. It creates so much pain and anger and annoyance at others, usually people I love.
An easy example—one I have written about on this newsletter before—is traveling with my family. My wife will ask me what time I think we should leave to drive four hours to see family. I’ll say 9:30 am, knowing full well we will not be leaving at 9:30. I say 9:30 because I want to be sure we leave by 10. But then it’s 10:05 and I am shaking my head, slamming bags into the car, sighing… just being a rigid a*****e. And it almost never matters. We never go to Pennsylvania with a firing squad standing by if we don’t get there by a specific time. It’s free-floating and flexible, and it’s just me being rigid, which generates a bunch of frustration and anger. It really is idiotic.
As you can probably guess, I just got back from a family trip where I spent the entire first part of it consumed by annoyance because we left later than I had decreed. I did spend some time praying for the people who made us late, and I also spent some time embarrassed that I needed to pray for people for… what? Forgetting their cell phone charger as I sat in a running car? What is the freaking point of that?
Ugh. Still work to do, huh?
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
THREE OR FOUR AA members were often tying up the floor at meetings. One day, we heard a new voice from the back pipe up and say, "Can I have my dollar back if I don't get to share?"
(Credit: AA Grapevine, December 2004, by George W. of Lakeview, Arizona)
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