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I was at several meetings recently where we read from “Working with others,” the chapter of the Big Book that lays out how one alcoholic can be of service to another. That inevitably led me to think back on my early days of sponsoring people.
I had a few months sober when my sponsor said to me that I was doing really well and that he appreciated all the hard work. I’ll never forget that then he said, “You’re an old soul when it comes to recovery.”
I took that as a compliment, which is how he intended it. I understood his comment to mean that even though I only had five or six months sober, I seemed like I had been sober much longer because I had a lot of wisdom.
So I immediately said back to him, “Well, if I am an old soul, maybe I am ready to sponsor someone?”
He laughed and said, “Nah, maybe wait the full year before sponsoring anybody.”
I got a little grumpy about that because I had come to believe that I had so much to offer as a sponsor. I had learned so much, and yet I was only 31 years old, so I thought I could connect with younger alcoholics and addicts in a way that older sponsors could not.
We kept talking about it because I wouldn’t let it go, and I kept working on building a solid program of recovery. But I had learned pretty quickly that my own opinions were not worth as much as the people in my sober network. So I followed his suggestion and I didn’t raise my hand as a sponsor.
Like most people with 11 months sober, I started counting down the days until I got to one year sober. It was such an exciting accomplishment if I could get there—I couldn’t wait! Part of it was the pure happiness of achieving one year sober. But part of it was being able to sponsor people, and I really thought that I was about to become the greatest sponsor to ever set foot on earth.
Finally, my day arrived: November 10, 2009. I waited until they asked if anybody was celebrating an anniversary, and I threw up my hand. Everybody clapped, and I got a hug and a 1-year coin from the chairperson. It was awesome.
The meeting was great, and at the end, the chairperson asked if anybody who was willing to be a sponsor could raise their hand. This was the moment I had been waiting for since the summer, and I looked around the room and… didn’t raise my hand. It dawned on me in that moment that, “Oh my god, if I raise my hand to be a sponsor, someone might actually take me up on that offer, and I don’t think I am ready!”
I had a mini freakout and talked to some people afterward about it. They all got a good chuckle about it because apparently I had already mentioned becoming a sponsor to more people than I had realized. They also seemed to have had similar moments of panic about what it means to be a sponsor, and they had all worked through those. We had a good conversation about it, and the overall message was that sponsors just have to share their experience, strength and hope—we’re not coaches, we’re not gurus and we’re certainly not higher powers. I was told, “If someone’s ready, you can’t say anything wrong. If someone isn’t, you can’t say anything right.”
I started raising my hand a few weeks later, when I got up a second wave of courage about being a sponsor. It’s been about 14 years, and I have sponsored dozens of people since then. I’ve had the full range of experience over that time frame, and that advice still rings true to this day. I share my experience, strength and hope—and leave it at that.
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
HEARD AT MEETINGS
"An egotist is someone who is me-deep in conversation."
(Credit: Grapevine, by Richard M. of Golden, Colorado, September 2009)
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