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I was at a meeting a few days ago where we read We Agnostics from the Big Book, and there was one particular passage that jumped out at me because my first sponsor used it to make a key point to me about faith.
The paragraph I am talking about is on page 54 (LINK). It talks about how many people who say they can’t or won’t believe in God probably have had many Gods in their lives. It asks if you ever worshipped any people, any old boyfriends or girlfriends, any jobs, any feelings. Think about whether your whole existence ever got wrapped up in a work assignment for a week, or a new girlfriend for a month. Everything else gets crowded out, everything you do gets shaped by that important thing. If your world revolves around something, that’s kind of like faith, isn’t it?
My first sponsor was more specific about drugs and alcohol. I told him I didn’t have a higher power and didn’t think I ever would, and he just calmly nodded his head. I told him I didn’t have good experiences with God, so I didn’t think I had the capability to have a higher power.
And then, like a great attorney, he calmly proceeded to pick apart that idea. He asked me a series of questions about drugs and alcohol that went something like this:
If you had a terrible day, did you turn to drugs and alcohol?
If you had a great day, did you turn to drugs and alcohol?
Did you think drugs and alcohol could get you through tough times?
Did you think about drugs and alcohol for long stretches of time?
Would you give away large, irrational amounts of money for drugs and alcohol?
Did you ever feel like if you could just get your hands on some drugs and alcohol, everything would be ok?
He kept going, and about halfway through, I realized what his point was. I had turned my will and my life over to drugs and alcohol without even knowing it. They were the center of my universe and the core of my morals and principles. I relied upon them for everything. When I think about the idea of having a bad day or a good day and then turning it over to drugs and alcohol, that’s exactly what I did. They were absolutely my higher power and I never even realized it.
And here’s the thing about drugs and alcohol as a higher power: They’re the worst higher power ever! What other higher power makes you overdose? Or throw up all night? Or feel like you don’t want to get out of bed the next day? What other higher power makes you unable to drive a car? What other higher power gets you arrested for carrying it onto an airplane?
I’ve been thinking about this issue a lot lately because I’m at a place in recovery where I am using sobriety programs as a higher power. I had a tough June, the kind of month where you really question how any kind of God or intelligent design or even robots could be behind making some things happen. So I am using recovery programs, especially fellowship, to guide me through for awhile.
But I was also thinking about some of the people I have met over the years who don’t like the fact that God is included in many forms of recovery. They bristle at the mere mention of the word, and they can’t stand that some meetings say the Lord’s Prayer, that some others have “Let God and let God” on the wall, and on and on. I’ve had a few people who went back out drinking and never came back. All because of the word God.
That bugs me because it’s a shame. The God stuff is all suggestions. Is it a strong suggestion that you should try to find a higher power? Yes. But nobody has ever made me swear on anything, or dunked my head in water, or counted the number of times I prayed, or anything else related to a higher power. You choose your own higher power, and then you choose the way you want to have a relationship with that higher power. The fact that some people struggle to get past that is heart-breaking.
I always think about how I used to feel that way, and now I don’t. It only required some time and some open-mindedness. I’ll never forget complaining about the Lord’s Prayer once at a meeting, and realizing on my way home that if I had ever gone to the bar during my active addiction days, and the bar-tender made me say the Lord’s Prayer with him, I would have instantly held his hand, bowed my head and started saying, “Our father, who art in heaven…” I think I can stand and listen to the Lord’s Prayer at a meeting to help me, you know, not die of alcohol poisoning, right?
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
HEARD AT MEETINGS: “As a kid, they called me ‘Half Pint.’ As an adult, they called me ‘Full Quart.’”
(Credit: AA Grapevine, October 2002, Richard L. from New Westminster, British Columbia)
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