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I listen to a lot of podcasts, and I caught a new episode of a sports podcast that I like the other day where the three hosts—all of whom I am fond of—debated what to do about winning some money.
I’m going to change some details and not use the name of the podcast or the podcasters, just to be on the safe side. I don’t really need to be sued right now!
So here is the scenario: The podcast host says that a friend recently won a $10 parlay that paid out $12,000. His friend wanted to know if he should tell his wife that he had come into some money.
If you’re not familiar with sports betting, a parlay is when you pair up a bunch of bets at very long odds, then you have to nail every one in order to get a payout. So you could pick the Chiefs to win the Super Bowl, an NBA team to make the playoffs, an MLB team to win less than 80 games and a hockey player to win the MVP. Then you would need to hit every leg of the parlay.
That’s the problematic part. Parlays exist because they seem winnable and absolutely are not—most professional gamblers laugh at people who do parlays because they are like giving away money.
Before I get back to the podcast scenario, let me just say that I don’t gamble. I can’t. I’m an addict. The point of this story will not be about gambling or not gambling. I hesitated a bit to even write about this topic because I didn’t want to confuse anybody about sobriety and gambling…. I absolutely do not think they mesh well and would advise against putting down booze and drugs and picking up lottery tickets and sports betting and slot machines.
Back to the podcast example. The question the podcast host asks his two colleagues is, should the guy who won the money tell his wife about his winnings?
One guest said if you don’t tell your spouse about bets you lose, you don’t need to reveal your winnings. The other guest said he should tell her he won $5,000, and keep the rest to himself. The guy who presented the question said that his buddy told his wife about the winnings, and he said they ended up buying a new refrigerator and some other stuff with the money, and the guy was frustrated about that.
I couldn’t believe their answers. I thought the answer was obvious.
First of all, I don’t gamble and I can’t gamble. So I’m asking this question less about sports gambling and more about the general question if, if you stumbled into some money, do you need to tell your loved ones?
Secondly, the obvious answer to me is that I cannot live a life where I don’t tell my spouse about something like that. Forget the gambling. Forget the money. Forget the marriage part of this. I cannot live any kind of secret life. I am as sick as my secrets, and I’ve discovered that to stay sober, I can’t really have any secrets from people that I am close with. I definitely cannot start having a secret $10,000 laying around.
Now, does that mean that everybody I love needs to know everything at all times? No, not necessarily. Sometimes one of my kids will tell me a situation they are struggling with, and ask me to not share it with anybody, and I don’t. Sometimes I will have financial or professional insecurity of some kind, and I will delay telling my family about it or not tell them about it at all. I’ve had a few physical issues over the years where I was worried about an injury but wanted to wait and see if felt fine the next day. I’ve also had friends or coworkers ask me how I am doing, and the answer is that I am struggling because of something going on with me or my kids but I say, “I’m doing ok. How about you?” That’s not the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. But it’s not really hiding secrets that could harm my sobriety. It’s just being a little more private.
I hope I don’t sound judgmental at all about gambling, or keeping some money off to the side. It just doesn’t work for me. I won’t be winning $10,000 on any kind of gambling in the near future. And if I did have someone mail me $5,000, or even $500, I absolutely cannot have my final opinion be, “I better hide this somewhere.” I don’t have a bad opinion of anybody who might do that. I just know it doesn’t work for me. My addictions began as my little secret, and they ended with me in rehab. I don’t intend to let any parlays put me back there.
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
A still-functioning alcoholic went for her annual physical.
"Well, Doc, how do I stand?" she asked.
"That's what puzzles me," the doctor replied.
(Credit: Grapevine, June 2008, by Terry B.)
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