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There was a two-and-a-half-minute clip from The Drew Barrymore Show that went viral last week. I’m sure everybody on here watches EVERY SINGLE EPISODE of The Drew Barrymore Show at least once, as I do. But I’ll explain it anyway. The whole clip is at the bottom of the newsletter, so you can watch for yourself.
It was Drew with her guests, Melanie Lynskey and Jason Ritter. Melanie Lynskey and Jason Ritter are married, and are both successful actors who have been in the game for 10-plus years now. Lynskey’s star has never been higher than right now—she’s in Yellowjackets and had a run in The Last of Us, too. I highly recommend both of those shows, especially The Last of Us. It’s one of my 10 favorite shows of the past year.
In the beginning of the clip, Ritter is talking about the start of his relationship with Lynskey. He mentions that he had alcoholism issues, and Drew Barrymore raises her hand. She has discussed her addiction issues in the past.
Ritter then gets a little emotional because he says that he thought Lynskey was terrific in the early days of their dating, but he said he didn’t feel like he deserved her. He says he thought she deserved someone better.
Lynskey starts tearing up and says he did so much work on himself, and that she is so proud of him. She puts her hand on his knee, and it’s pretty touching.
Drew jumps in at some point as the crowd cheers, and she says she hasn’t had a drink in almost four years… but that she doesn’t work a program and uses some other things. Felt like maybe she meant weed, but who knows?
The last 15 seconds of the clip, Drew says that she hasn’t been in a relationship since she stopped drinking. She says she’s looking forward to the day when she is ready for that, and someone is ready for her.
I had a few thoughts as I watched it.
First, why is this such a big deal? Why were people saying this was so refreshing to hear? Then I realized that I am so used to hearing people say incredibly vulnerable things in meetings that I am immune to getting startled about it most of the time. This is what we do.
Secondly, I did feel it when he said he wasn’t deserving of her love. I was married already at the time, and I definitely felt that about my wife. Couldn’t she do better? But I also just felt undeserving of all love, of all compliments, of all praise. I knew the truth about me, which is that I was full of s**t and full of shitty behaviors. Deep down, I thought I deserved nothing but misery.
Thirdly, when Lynskey grabs her husband’s hand and starts tearing up a bit, it looked like real love on display. And real love often has some scars—not literally, of course; nobody needs to be roughing each other up. There are figurative bumps and crashes and dumpster fires within the best relationships when addiction is involved, but that often can lead to an intensity of love that is quite deep and beautiful. I certainly feel that in my own marriage.
Last but not least, I’m not quite sure how to unpack the contrast of Drew’s sobriety and what Jason Ritter is describing. I saw some 12-step people jump right in and start saying, “See? Work a program like Jason Ritter and you will find love, Drew.” And listen, I am a big 12-step supporter. That’s my first recommendation when people say they might have a problem and are looking for solutions.
But it’s not my only recommendation. I know people that have followed other paths and either minimized their alcohol use or found recovery another way. That stuff isn’t right for me, so I always suggest trying a 12-step program first. I had a moment listening to Drew Barrymore in that clip where I thought to myself, “Oh, I hope she gets to a meeting again some time!” But to each their own.
The other important thing about contrasting their sobriety is that it’s a silly exercise, anyway. I have no idea who these people are, for real, and what their programs are like and how happy they are. They’re professional actors who get paid to manipulate human emotions playing nonexistent people on TV and film, so how could anybody possibly evaluate them in a three-minute clip?
Where I ultimately landed was that I loved the message I saw in that exchange. It warmed my heart a little. And I decided to focus on the Jason Ritter side of things, because he and Melanie Lynskey seem very happy together after what was probably a bumpy journey. So, good for them.
Now Melanie Lynskey can go off in peace to shoot Yellowjackets, which is a brilliant Showtime show about a high school girls soccer team that is involved in a plane crash where they end up killing and eating each other in the woods… good times!
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
TRUE STORY:
Recently, an older AA member went to see her physician. As part of a medical procedure, she needed to have her blood drawn. Having a difficult time finding a vein, the nurse asked, "When was your last drink?" The AA promptly replied, "Thirty-four years ago." Smiling, her daughter said, "Mom, she meant, 'When was your last glass of water?"
(Courtesy: AA Grapevine, by Sally N., Garden City, South Carolina)
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