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I was at a meeting the other day when a guy shared about how intoxicating self-pity can be. He really had me nodding along, because he was making a great point about when you say things like, “Oh, just my luck…” or “That figures, I’m jinxed” you are actually being very self-centered.
He was talking about how those moments are actually incredibly selfish. If I think that I am cursed, that the universe is plotting against me, it’s no different than thinking everything should go my way. I have placed myself in the center of everything and am treating basic life on life’s terms stuff like it revolves around me.
Then he got into the idea that other people don’t really want to be around someone who is mopey and thinks they are important enough to moan and groan about every little thing that goes wrong in their life. He ended by saying, “Am I a fountain or a drain?”
I thought about that all weekend. When I am around other people, am I a source of optimism and positivity? Or do I drag people down into the gutter? I think I do both on a regular basis, and I certainly used to be nothing but a self-centered drain guy. When I was still drinking, I thought most of my problems were terrible luck, and I let you know that the world was plotting against me. Sometimes my bad luck wasn’t even true—I used to constantly use the concept of New York traffic as the reason why I was late or didn’t show up for something I committed to. It was usually just me hustling around, trying to get pills at doctors’ offices and pharmacies, and I blamed the Lincoln Tunnel for why I got to work at 12:30 pm rather than 9:30 am. I came up with insane stories about overturned trucks and cars on fire over and over again, and I remember it got to the point that my wife started saying, “Geez, I’m never driving through the Lincoln Tunnel. It’s chaos every day!” It was pretty much all b******t!
I also remember constantly joking with people that “Life sucks, and then you die.” It usually got a laugh, but geez, who the hell wants to hear that? In what context does that bring any good into the world?
When I got sober and learned the concept of humility, and that humility means that I don’t think I am the president of the world or the most cursed person in the world, I began to understand that the pity party crap is no different than the “I should run everything” stuff that goes through my head. I need to remember that I am somewhere in the middle, a worker among workers, a dad among dads, a driver among drivers. I used to worry that I was accepting mediocrity by admitting that. I’ve actually found that thought process to be incredibly freeing, though.
So just for today, I am going to try to be a fountain in the lives of others. And I will try to avoid being the “Life sucks and then you die” guy.
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
"Generally speaking, I'm not learning much when my lips are moving."
(Credit: Grapevine, April 2008, by Tiffany B. of Springfield, Massachusetts)
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