If you want to subscribe to LOL Sober, hit the purple button below. I’m mostly publishing free pieces right now, but paid subscribers do have access to monthly premium pieces—such as THIS comedy special about my 10 favorite addiction/sobriety jokes!
I was at the gym a few days ago and used the ab machine. An older woman came over and seemed to be waiting to use it after me. When I got done, I went over and grabbed a paper towel and the spray bottle, and I scrubbed down the machine before giving her a head nod to indicate that I was done.
I walked away to use another piece of equipment, and I watched as she came over, looked at the ab machine, then looked at me with a funky look on her face, and then she scrubbed down the machine again.
My immediate thought was, “Hey, screw you, lady. I wiped it down already as a courtesy to you, and I’m not that sweaty to begin with. And if I was sweaty, it’s a delicious kind of sweat that you shouldn’t be bothered by.”
Then I laughed and remembered the old saying: You can take the alcohol out of an alcoholic, but that still leaves the ick. In this story, the ick literally involves some icky sweat. Or some icky ALLEGED sweat.
Here’s what I mean by that. In the 12 and 12, there’s a section in Step Six about how some of our character defects are bad… but we love them. It mentions looking down on people and doing things to feel superior. It also mentions gossip and making fun of people. These are all ways that people like me try to feel better about themselves by convincing ourselves—and the world—that you suck. As in: You’re an idiot with an irrational sweat phobia, lady.
Now, what does this have to do with alcoholism? I have asked myself that question, too, because sometimes working on character defects can feel more like therapy, and not necessarily avoiding drinking because it is slowly killing me and ruining my life.
But here’s the thing. I can’t be sober, and also be annoyed with my job, my marriage, my kids, the drivers on the road beside my house, stuff I see on the news and the lady at the gym who thinks I am a gross sweaty dad bod guy. I can’t have bad money habits, bad food habits, bad sleep habits, and too much TV bingeing, and also be clean and serene. It doesn’t add up to sobriety.
Each one of those things seems like no big deal, right? So what if I watch too many Netflix shows and get aggravated with the lady at the gym, right?
Well, it adds up. It’s the ick. And if I get too much ick, if every corner of my life is stacked up with ick, I am going to look for ways to get rid of it, and that usually led me to drinking and drugs. I can’t do it. I still have the tendency to start to collect grievances and make a big pile. And once you have 10 things on the pile, it’s easier to add the 11th and keep going than it is to work your way down to 9 and then 8 and then 7.
So as much as I would have loved to have told that lady that I already cleaned that equipment, or that I’m a yummy sweater anyway, I just ended up laughing about it. It’s definitely a case of my inner voice saying, “Do you think you’re better than me?” Which is clear sign something is off with my self esteem and ego, and it’s exactly what Step Six is talking about when it comes to wrestling with superiority over others.
And the more I think about it, this is such an absurd first thought to have had, isn’t it? Can I really fault someone for being a little cautious about cleaning gym equipment? I mean, of all the things, how can you blame somebody for not wanting to be in somebody else’s sweat?
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
TOURING THE UNITED STATES, a couple decides to stop at the local pub for a nightcap before turning in. They sit next to an obnoxious drunk chatting with his friend. Every other word out of the drunk's mouth is obscene. Embarrassed, the wife asks her husband to have a word with the drunk. So he taps the drunk on the shoulder and says, "My good fellow, will you please refrain from using obscenities before my wife!"
The drunk rolls his eyes, gives him the look, and replies, "Well, excuuuse me! I didn't know it was her turn."
(Credit: AA Grapevine, March 2004, by Donny B of Wurtsboro, NY)
Please spread the word to a sober friend! Find me on Substack… or Twitter… or Facebook… or Instagram… or YouTube. And introducing my web site, LOLsober.com.
