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Greetings, welcome to March 5, which is National Cheesedoodle Day and National Multiple Personalities Day. I have about 29 different insensitive jokes about the idea of those two things being celebrated on the same day. But I will use restraint of pen and tongue and not say them out loud…
Brace yourself, I heard a life-changing phrase the other night at a meeting.
The topic was acceptance of the world as it is, not how it should be. Or, as we commonly say in recovery, accepting life on life’s terms.
Here’s the saying from the other night: Get rid of the word “should” from your vocabulary, and every time you want to use the word should, instead say, “I cannot accept.”
Try it once. Think about some of the times you might use the word should, then slide in that phrase. A couple of examples:
“You should think about hitting the gym more often.”
That changes to: “I cannot accept that you don’t go to the gym more often.”
“You should use my car repair shop instead of yours.”
That changes to: “I cannot accept that you don’t use my repair shop instead of yours.”
“You should call me more often.”
That changes to: “I cannot accept that you don’t call me more often.”
For me, that hammers home the self-centered way that we throw around the word “should.” It’s me imposing my will on you, and when I use the word should, I think it often comes with strings attached. If I recommend my car repair shop instead of yours, and you don’t switch, then there’s a decent chance I will end up with a small resentment or at least feel a little annoyed that you dismissed my opinion.
Now think about big examples. Instead of car repair shop, imagine telling someone “You should get sober now” or “You should think about getting a divorce.” Imagine how sharp those comments would feel if you delivered them.
I also ended up thinking about how selfish that phrase is, and how it doesn’t mesh with the way I want to live my life. I don’t really want to be in the business of telling people what to do, what to watch, what to eat, when to go to the gym.
Do I still do it? Yeah, sometimes. But not like I used to. The longer I have been sober, the more I realized how pointless opinions usually are, especially if someone didn’t ask you for yours. And the truth is, how often does someone say to you, “Do you think I should get sober?” or “Do you think I should switch repair shops?” In actuality, I bet 90-95 percent of the time, you and I aren’t asked that, but we inject it, without somebody asking. And that’s where I get into trouble.
The reason I love the concept of “I cannot accept” is that I don’t think I have ever said that to someone, and I hope I never will, because it’s so aggressive. The word “should” feels like it is a gentle word, and that’s probably why we use it when we are trying to dictate something to someone else. “I cannot accept” is direct and aggressive, which is probably why it sounds so much worse when you sub that in.
For the past 48 hours, I keep thinking about how often I lob that phrase out there. It’s definitely less than I used to. But hopefully I can cut that down to zero because I really should stay out of peoples’ business.
Wait, strike that… I CANNOT ACCEPT that I don’t always stay out of other peoples’ business. That’s better.
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
When a woman called the local police station to report that she had found a drunk in her cellar, the police sergeant advised, “Make a trail of drinks from the basement to the yard and wait for the drunk to follow them outside.”
A little while later the woman called back: “I did what you told me. Now I’ve got two drunks in my cellar.”
(Credit: AA Grapevine, April 2000, Shirlene H. from Bountiful, Utah)
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