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A few weeks ago, I went to a P.F. Chang’s for lunch in Cincinnati, Ohio. I needed a quick bite to eat on a business trip and before you can goof on me for settling on P.F. Chang’s… hey, what can I say, I like P.F. Chang’s?!
I sat down for a half hour, ate my lunch and was five minutes from heading out when a husband and wife, maybe 35-40 years old sat down 10 feet away in a pretty empty restaurant. I didn’t know it, but I was about to have perhaps the most awkward conversation I’ve had as a sober person.
I noticed the guy immediately because he was a big, boisterous guy. He didn’t strike me as a jerk—just outgoing, talking to everybody in a very loud voice. Again, I didn’t think he was an a*****e.
He sat down with his wife and immediately ordered two beers and a shot. I try not to be judgmental about that stuff but I did catch myself going, “Oh, it’s 11:30 am on a Tuesday morning. That’s how I used to drink and I am an alcoholic!”
Anyway, he smoked down the drinks and started asking other people in the restaurant what’s good at P.F. Chang’s. It made me chuckle a bit because I like P.F. Chang’s but… it’s also not a super exotic, mysterious place. The menu is pretty approachable.
So I admit, I was paying a little too much attention to a table that was not mine. I noticed again that the guy was pretty funny and he had a commanding presence as he talked to people. My first thought was that he’d probably do pretty well on a comedy stage. Like I said, the guy wasn’t obnoxious and people seemed to respond to him. Those are all good ingredients for a standup.
The server dropped off my check on her way to that couple’s table and I was looking at the check when I heard him say to me, “Hey man, you ever have the lettuce wraps?”
The server was at his table, and the guy and his wife were ordering. I said yes, I like the lettuce wraps, and so he ordered them—along with two more beers. His wife ordered after him, and the floodgates of conversation had apparently opened.
He started asking me about my P.F. Chang’s experience, what I was doing in Cincinnati, etc. Small talk. He was an amusing guy, firing off hot takes and goofing around. His wife didn’t say much but was in the conversation. Then, my God, I really opened a door I wish had stayed shut.
He asked me if I had kids. I said yes, and asked them if they had kids. They both nodded and he explained that yes, they had three kids. He jokingly said something about how they like the two oldest ones a little better right now because the youngest had been pretty bratty lately. He gave a big ol’ belly laugh and said he was just joking, that he might actually be the biggest brat in the house.
I laughed and made eye contact with his wife and said, “Seriously, how do you put up with this guy?”
He laughed. But she stared at me and said, “I won’t have to much longer. We’re getting divorced. This is our last lunch together. This is the worst day of my life.” Then she broke down crying.
I was like, “Uhhhhhhhhhh… What. The. F—. Just. Happened?” He tried playing it off with a joke that I don’t quite remember, but I calmly stood up and said, “I’m so sorry to hear that. Nice meeting you. I wish you both well,” and I headed for the door.
It was uncomfortable but I noticed that I didn’t panic like I used to. In recovery, the 12 steps have helped me walk toward uncomfortable situations when they’re necessary, and to accept that those things happen in life sometimes, that everything will be all right, and I’ll be able to move on. I have faith that I can get through uncomfortableness now in a way I didn’t back when I came into the rooms.
I think when I was still an active addict, I would have stayed at that restaurant all day pounding down drinks with the guy. And I think even 10 years ago, in recovery, I might have stayed at that P.F. Chang’s for an hour, trying to be a marriage counselor or an impromptu sober coach for the guy.
But I’m not a marriage counselor or a sober coach. I probably shouldn’t have been in that conversation to begin with, and I really think the time to go was when I left. I felt for both of them, for different reasons—any time I see somebody on their fourth beer before noon, it hits my heart a bit. I’ve been there.
And honestly, as I left, I thought back on the previous 30 minutes and couldn’t believe how cold the guy’s behaviors were with the context of going out for a final lunch with your wife. I caught myself thinking, “Geez, maybe she’s better off not being married to somebody who’s having that much fun as you’re sitting there with a broken heart.”
This may just seem like a wild life story that’s unrelated to recovery, but in my head, it is related. I’ve said this before, but one of the biggest reasons I think I fell in love with drugs and alcohol was because I always felt uncomfortable a lot. I ran from stuff that wasn’t pleasant.
That didn’t just go away when I stopped drinking, so I had to work through it and that conversation was a good reminder that I’ve made a lot of progress. I don’t see the progress every day. But I did that day.
And a good sober life also has uncomfortable moments. I’ve come a long way in sobriety toward being able to process unpleasant things. Uncomfortable stuff knocks on the door every day. Sometimes it’s a bad day at work, or an inappropriate comment from somebody at a store, or saying no to something my kids want. And, as I found out, sometimes it happens in a P.F. Chang’s dining room!
ALCOHOLIC/ADDICT JOKE OF THE DAY
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
Walking up to his friend’s house, a fellow noticed his buddy’s dog lying in the driveway, whining. So when his pal answered the door, he asked, “What’s wrong with your dog?”
“Nothing,” explained the buddy, “he’s just lying on a sharp rock.”
“Why doesn’t he move then?” asked the fellow.
“I guess he’s more like me than I realized,” the friend answered. “The rock doesn’t hurt enough yet to make him move, just enough to make him whine.”
(Credit: AA Grapevine, June 2001, Larry M. from Spoke, Washington)
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