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Think about this question for 10 seconds before answering: Do you get annoyed a lot?
Some examples to consider: Do you get aggravated by other drivers? Or your neighbor having noisy construction on their house? Or the guy who talks too loud in the cubicle next to yours? Or the person who shares the same thing at every meeting?
I’m not proud to say that I am constantly annoyed. I don’t get angry very often. But I do get annoyed on a regular basis. And to be honest, I don’t always mind. It’s funny to rail on somebody for some minor transgression. I also won’t b******t and say I don’t feel a little better when I put someone else down—I do! But it’s a short-term shot of dopamine, and then I just feel bad a half hour later because I just s**t-talked someone.
But I read a great section in Step Six in the 12 and 12 about being annoyed, and I have been thinking about it ever since. Step Six obviously deals with working on character defects, and the literature makes the case that being annoyed is often a sign of us looking for superiority over others. It also says pretty bluntly that we are not people who can afford to be annoyed all the time.
The more I thought about it, the more it resonated. Looking back, I often times didn’t drink because some horrible, traumatic thing happened. I drank because someone said something shitty to me at work, or I was in an argument with my spouse, or a friend was mad at me. I drank and did drugs at people, places and things.
Now I don’t drink and do drugs, but I still do stuff at people. Gossip, bad-mouthing, character assassination inside my own head… and it usually does end up revolving around superiority. I’m looking to build myself up. But instead of working on myself, I get annoyed at others and hope that by putting them down in my head, I will feel better about myself.
Here’s the thing: It doesn’t really work. Maybe for 20 minutes or an hour. But mostly, I end up feeling bad about it and regret doing it. So it is ultimately a boomerang effect on myself.
I can’t say I haven’t gotten annoyed since that meeting when we read Step Six. But I am more aware of my annoyances right now, and that has helped. Awareness is always the first step for me in rooting out an issue, so hopefully that is the case here. Until then, I will probably still be getting annoyed a lot!
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
IN THE BEGINNING…
A gardener and an architect are discussing which of their vocations is the most ancient, while a drunk is listening nearby.
The gardener comments, "My vocation goes back to the Garden of Eden, when God told Adam to tend the garden."
The architect comments, "My vocation goes back to the creation, when God created the world itself from primordial chaos."
They both look curiously at the drunk, who asks, "And who do you think created the primordial chaos?"
(Credit: Grapevine, March 2009, by Ronald H.)
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