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Warning: I am going to change some details within this post just to be vague and protect some identities.
I was thinking the other day about the value of curiosity in life, of asking questions, of relying upon people who know more than me. And it reminded me of two things: one, it made me think of someone I worked with and two, that apes don’t ask questions.
Let me start with my work anecdote. I remember a young former coworker from years ago who I thought was immensely talented. Very driven. Smart—super smart. Reliable. He was awesome to have on your team.
But he never asked any questions. Not once. I was probably 10 years his senior, with much more experience in our profession. But he had no curiosity. I didn’t even notice it for awhile; somebody else pointed out to me that he seemed to have all the answers, all the time, even though there were enough periodic blunders that should have indicated maybe he should ask for advice sometimes.
But that never happened. As far as I know, it still hasn’t happened. That eventually rubbed coworkers the wrong way, because nobody wants to be around people who have no interest in the world around them. Those people often times come off as know-it-alls who are self-centered to the extreme. They only care about themselves, and people see through it.
The other thing that came to mind was that I recently saw a tweet about how apes have learned sign language at astonishing levels—truly incredible. But the tweet said researchers mostly agree that they’ve never seen an ape ask a question. They can communicate. They express emotions. They can do the entire alphabet. But no questions.
That really blew my mind. I want apes asking questions. I want us to tell them stuff about the world. But apparently there isn’t yet a lot of curiosity. So I have a new mission for my future: I am going to teach apes how to ask questions.
That is, of course, a silly proposition, and it’s even sillier that I am about to relate everything I just wrote to sobriety.
Curiosity is one of the cornerstones of my life when I have good recovery. It means I am asking for others’ opinions, that I am asking loved ones how they feel about things, that I am not unilaterally figuring out everything on my own. That’s how I got a seat at a rehab hospital in 2008! I had all the answers—just ask me!
One of the biggest sinkholes I still fall into on occasion is just being an island unto myself. It’s easy to do because I have been sober since 2008 and I think I have led a mostly successful, spiritual life since then. But I catch myself sliding back into being an ape with no questions. I don’t ask my sponsor for guidance. I don’t ask my boss for his thoughts. I don’t ask my wife or kids their thoughts on things. I start to get the mentality that I know stuff, and now I am going to do stuff with all of that knowledge in my back pocket.
So I need to do better with that, and I also need to be the kind of person who asks questions in front of newcomers. Part of my sober message should be that no matter how long you’ve been sober, you still need to be curious.
And in the meantime, I’m already plotting out all the nearby zoos that have apes, and I’m going to spend the summer trying to pique their curiosity, too.
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
EARLY IN RECOVERY, a mother took her 6-year-old son to visit a friend at work. As one of the employees went to make coffee, her son followed her and asked, "What are you doing?"
"I'm making your mom's favorite drink," she answered.
"Wow!" said the son. "You know how to make beer?"
(Credit: Grapevine, February 2009, by Terry B.)
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