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I was at a meeting recently where somebody shared about the value of being “crewed.” In that context, he meant having a crew of sober people around you if you want to build a strong, lasting sobriety.
I totally agree with that. But I’ve tried probably 10 different combinations of putting together a crew, and I am only now beginning to figure out the best kind of crew that works for me. As always, the optimal way to do sobriety is subjective and different for everybody. But I do think some of my tips probably apply to lots of us.
Let’s start with defining what a crew is. A crew isn’t a long list of phone numbers. It’s not people you see at meetings sometimes and that’s it. My definition of a crew is that it is more than 3 people and less than 15 that know you. They see you at meetings. They give you a ride sometimes. You give them a ride sometimes. When they speak at meetings, you show up and you bring a friend. You know their number and you use it. Maybe you even hang out together outside of meetings. These are people who will call you out if they don’t see you for awhile, or they will see you and spot some bad behaviors and call you out on them.
A few tips about assembling a crew:
—Make sure it is not all the same person. If you are a 35-year-old dude with 2 years sober, I don’t think you want all 35-year-old dudes with 2 years sober. My best networks of close sober friends have always been some newcomers, some people with a year or two, some people with 5-10 years, and some people with double digits. My best crews always have nice balance.
—I don’t think the old adage of men with men and women with women completely applies to a sober crew… but it should probably be mostly true. Some of my best sober friends are women. But I still think I am better off with a tight-knit crew of mostly men, for the same reasons that old adage ever was invented. I think my crew right now is rolling about 10 deep, and I would say it’s about 70-30 men-women.
—Make sure the crew is flexible. I’d always be on the look out for adding or subtracting members from your crew. I haven’t ever purposely ditched somebody from my crew. But I’ve moved, or they’ve moved. I’ve changed meetings and had people fade a bit as members of my crew. I have transitioned to mostly evening meetings these days after doing mostly morning meetings for awhile, so I didn’t have any breakups with my morning buddies. I still love them and talk to them. But it’s infrequent, and because we go to different meetings, they don’t really know about my consistency and I don’t know about theirs.
—Sponsees as crew members? Sort of? I’ve gone back and forth on this. I definitely consider my sponsor to be an essential member of my crew. But I don’t think that necessarily has to be the case. I know some people who have very teacher-student kind of relationships with their sponsor, or even coach-player. That usually doesn’t translate to my definition of a crew. And as far as sponsees in the crew, I think that can definitely work. I don’t think I would ever want to have a crew that is six people, all of whom are sponsees. I’m not sure I’d be getting the right nutritional value from that kind of dynamic.
—Your crew doesn’t have to be every crew member’s crew. By that, I mean that if I have a crew of Biff, Boof, Mike, Michelle, Ted, Hank and Fred, that doesn’t mean that Biff’s crew is exactly that same group of people. There’s probably quite a bit of overlap within crews. But I do think people would probably benefit from not having the same exact team of 10 people without any outside voices.
So those are my thoughts on getting crewed up. I’d love to hear yours, too. So please comment on this post!
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
HEARD AT MEETINGS: “As a kid, they called me ‘Half Pint.’ As an adult, they called me ‘Full Quart.’”
(Credit: AA Grapevine, October 2002, Richard L. from New Westminster, British Columbia)
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