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I was on the road for work recently, so I was by myself for a few days in a hotel room 1,000 miles away from where I live. One evening, I was driving when a new song from Justin Bieber came on. It’s called “Lonely,” and the lyrics really hit me hard.
I’ll just read a section of them:
What if you had it allBut nobody to call?Maybe then you'd know me'Cause I've had everythingBut no one's listeningAnd that's just lonely
I'm so lonelyLonely
The song is about the dangers of fame, and how you can be surrounded by 100 people and yet feel completely alone. I get that. And I get it especially since I’ve gotten sober.
Of course, loneliness was a huge part of my active addiction. I retreated slowly and steadily for years onto a man-made island, constructed by me. My life was very small, with only a handful of people who I was close to, and zero people who actually knew what was going on with me.
And then I went to rehab and started going to 12-step meetings, and suddenly I had lots of new friends, and I had dozens of people who now knew the truth: I was an addict and an alcoholic, and I had been lying and hiding for years now.
Whew. There was definitely pain that came with the truth being out, but I mostly felt like the truth had set me free. Everybody knew, and everybody was very supportive. No more secrets. I felt like I had an army behind me.
That has mostly been the case ever since. But I learned years into sobriety that “lonely” and “by yourself” are two different things. I can be lonely in a full room of people, and I can feel loved and connected in a hotel room in Texas by myself if I have the right spiritual balance in my life.
I was thinking about this topic before I heard the new Bieber song, but the song reiterated to me that there is a version of sobriety where it looks good on paper. I have a job. I have a great family. I have enough money. I go to a few meetings every week and sit in the back. I call my sponsor once a week and leave a voicemail saying all is well. I say a prayer once in a while.
And maybe that would work. Key word: maybe. But even if I stayed sober and kept things steady, I’m not sure it’s the absolute best version of sobriety, though. I need to seek out deep connections with as many sober people as possible, and I need to be an active member of 12-step programs. I need to be the treasurer of groups. I need to chair a meeting once in a while. I need to sponsor people and be sponsored by somebody. I need to show up five minutes early to meetings, and leave five minutes late. I need to grab every hand that reaches out for help, and I need to reach out my hand for help without any reservations.
The good news is, I’m doing most of that stuff right now, and I am seeing the dividends. But I still identify with what Justin Bieber is signing about—that your life can be full, even as you retreat into the background of it.
So thanks, Biebs, I really appreciate the reminder!
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
The chairperson at a meeting in the Bronx, New York, said that on one of his benders he got down on his knees and prayed, "Please get me out of this one, and I'll get out of the next one myself."
(Credit: AA Grapevine, November 2008, by Anonymous)
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