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My wife said something interesting to me the other day.
She said, “Every time I tell someone that you were really irritated about something, they can’t believe it.”
I laughed and said, “I guess I fooled them, huh?”
She then proceeded to tell me how that is actually true, that I do sometimes get really aggravated and upset about things.
So I left that conversation thinking about a few things.
First of all, the good news... It’s good news that people don’t see me extremely angry very much, and in fact, they find it hard to fathom.
Secondly, and this is also good news: I think I actually am pretty hot and bothered quite a bit out in public, but I think I “fake it till I make it” pretty well.
Thirdly, and this is not-great news: Fake it till you make it has its limitations, in my experience. While I am glad that people have a hard time believing that I get my feathers ruffled very much, I also don’t think pretending is the best strategy. I still think I need to improve my actions and my thinking. If I am seething inside and smiling on the outside, it’s only a matter of time until I act out in a way I don’t want to. The better phrase that I have heard at meetings sometimes is, “Fake it until you become it.”
The fourth thing that got me thinking is bad news. What if she’s right? What if the truth is that I do a good job of keeping cool with everybody else, but am constantly irritated around her and my kids? That is not something I want to be—somebody who can dip into his emotional sobriety with strangers but lets it go with loved ones.
I will be a little forgiving in this case because the idea that I have any kind of reputation with anybody for being kind and patient is a gift. I strive for that, and it appears to be happening. I’ll take that. And I also am grateful that if I need to vent a little, I have people like my wife who are willing to let me throw some fastballs around them.
I guess the trick going forward is… don’t throw those fastballs AT them!
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
A man went into a bar and ordered a martini. He drank it, chewed up the bowl of the glass and threw the stem over his shoulder. He repeated this six times before he noticed the bartender staring at him.
"I guess you think I'm crazy," he said.
"I sure do," the bartender said. "The stems are the best part."
(Credit: AA Grapevine, September 1958)
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