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Ever thought you had a good idea—or three—to make recovery better? Me too. I obviously have brilliant ideas that the whole world would benefit from.
(Pssst, I’m joking. Recovery works just fine without my suggestions.)
So here goes. And just to say it very directly: I am kidding. Addiction is a deadly disease, but here at LOL Sober, I really do try to lean into the concept that we are not a glum lot. So I thought this might be fun to goof around a bit. Feel free to correct me in the comments section below.
All right, brace yourself.
IDEA NO. 1: DRIVE-THROUGH MEETINGS
Yep, you read that right. We’re all busy these days, and social distancing is still pretty important. So here’s what we’re gonna do to speed up recovery. Three sober people in every town will be selected to sit out back of a church, and people can line up in their cars, just like at the Burger King drive-through, to pull up in front of these three esteemed members of the sober community. They have four minutes to share, then they can place an order out loud to God, then they pull forward and are done with recovery for the day.
Okay, terrible idea. Let’s try again.
But drive-through meetings is a perfect transition to my next idea.
IDEA NO. 2: A RECOVERY E-Z PASS LANE
As mentioned, since we’re all soooo time-strapped these days, maybe we start letting people pick and choose the three steps they like the most and let them just do those. I mean, who has time for 12 entire steps these days? I have TikTok videos to watch, guys.
Eh, maybe that’s a really horrible idea, too.
IDEA NO. 3: A NEW TIE-BREAKER FOR BUSINESS MEETINGS
Have you been at a contentious business meeting recently? If so, here’s a thought on how to decide close votes going forward—an actual fight! Yes, on any vote that isn’t unanimous, the yeas and nays just immediately start fist fighting. Those rickety old metal chairs everybody sat on for the previous hour at the meeting? Go ahead and use them, WWE-style to figure out what to do with that extra $3.49 left over in the treasury.
That one is pretty bad, too, huh? Yelling and fighting at meetings… probably not part of the spiritual solution.
Let’s keep going.
IDEA NO. 4: A DATING APP FOR NEWCOMERS
All right, that’s not even funny, I am not going to joke around about that recovery suggestion. Next topic, please.
IDEA NO. 5: LET’S OVERHAUL OUR “PASS THE BASKET” STRATEGY AT MEETINGS
Sure, paying the rent is important for our meeting spaces. But what if we could all get rich AND pay the rent? Well, funny you should ask, I have a three-pronged approach to what happens when people get done putting their bucks in the basket at meetings.
Get this: We divvy up the money three ways. One-third goes to betting on sports, to double our money. NFL games are especially easy to pick, and gambling on sports seems like a fantastic idea for an addict like me. Another one-third goes to a lucky group member who will start hitting Off-Track Betting horse racing places to again double our money. Then the final one-third goes to scratch off lottery tickets, to be distributed at our next business meeting. Doesn’t that sound like a really good idea for recovering addicts and alcoholics?
Actually, now that I look at my list… maybe those aren’t the five greatest ways to overhaul sobriety programs. I’ll try again soon! Have a great weekend.
ALCOHOLIC/ADDICT JOKE OF THE DAY
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
A sober father was raising his young son with the help of 12-step slogans and sayings. If the boy was angry or agitated, his dad would say, "Easy Does It." If the boy was sad or unhappy, his father would counsel, "Let Go and Let God." This plan backfired one day when the boy asked to go to the toy store.
"Absolutely not!" said the father.
"Aw, c'mon Dad," said the boy. "Bring the body and the mind will follow."
(Credit: AA Grapevine, June 2004, Doug R. from New York, New York)
Please spread the word to a sober friend! Find me on Substack… or Twitter… or Facebook… or Instagram… or YouTube. And introducing my web site, LOLsober.com.
