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Well, the holidays are officially here. Good luck out there. It has been my experience that the hype around the lethal holiday trio—Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s—is real. In my sober time, I’ve never had a physical relapse during those times, but I have had bad behaviors that I guess you could call an emotional relapse. And those are not pleasant.
I decided to put together a list of five suggestions that have helped me in the past. I think any one of these might brighten up the holidays a bit, and I plan on implementing some of these myself… especially the last one on this list.
Start a 45-in-90
Listen, I’d love to do 90 meetings in 90 days once in a while just to get a good reboot. But that’s usually not realistic because of my life these days. However, 45 meetings in 90 days is doable, and the holidays are an excellent time to start. That pace is one meeting every two days, and I think for 99 percent of people who are telling the truth, that is probably doable. Is it hard? Well, it ain’t easy. It’s getting to a meeting on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and then one day over the weekend most weeks.
The trick is that week where you only get to a meeting on Monday and Thursday, and you fall way behind the pace of 45-in-90. But the last time I did it and ran into that issue, I found myself unexpectedly getting competitive and eventually catching up. It gave me a specific goal, and I respond well when I feel challenged.
One caveat to this suggestion: If I did it again, I would make sure at least 30 of those 45 meetings are in person. I don’t consider listening to five Zoom meetings on a long driving trip to be going to five meetings. For me, I’d want to make sure I have quite a bit of in-person meetings on my 45.
Carry your most recent anniversary coin with you
You worked really hard to get that coin, right? Let it work for you now. I put mine in my pocket so I end up reaching in there and touching it. I find the anniversary coins to be a quick reminder of the places I have been and the places I want to go. That’s the key—it serves as a reminder for what my goals are. I want to be serene. I want to be patient. I want to understand more than be understood. I want to process resentments, not stockpile them. I want to have as much grace as anybody I am in a room with. I don’t want to argue with you about sports or politics or movies or which dessert is better.
When I brush my hand against my anniversary coin grabbing a $5 bill, it’s almost like a quick prayer. It connects me with a higher power that sometimes isn’t even God—that list of things that I put above, that’s a list of things that are bigger than me, that I need help finding every day. My anniversary coin reminds me of that when I feel it.
Get your headphones ready
My last 10 road trips in the minivan with my wife and three kids have been about the 10 best I’ve had as a dad. Why? Because I realized that half of the battle once we arrived was that I was in a good or bad headspace from the four hours of traveling right before that. In other words, if I was miserable from the four hours of driving, then there was zero chance I wouldn’t be miserable for the next four hours at my family’s house.
So I started stacking up podcasts and songs to listen to on the drive. My wife and I agreed to a deal that I would drive the whole way if she could police any bickering in the bar between the kids. She said yes. So I put in an AirPod and listened to some fun stuff as I drove, and I found myself about 75 percent more pleasant when we arrived. Huge difference.
Go for a walk
I used to be the “hide in the bathroom” guy. I’d go into the bathroom for 5-10 minutes at a time when things were getting hairy at a holiday get-together. My version of “hairy” usually has something to do with excessive peopling—too much hanging out, too much arguing, too much noise, etc. But my bathroom plan didn’t go great because people started asking me if I was in there blowing up the bathroom. I didn’t want a reputation for exploding on the toilet five times every holiday, especially since I was in there meditating, of all things.
So I started going for walks outside, and they were really great for me. The air was brisk and cold, so it kind of jolted me out of any haze I was feeling. And it sounds a little hippy-dippy when I say it, but sunlight is genuinely good for me (and apparently for all humans, by the way. It’s pretty commonly accepted science these days that a certain amount of sunlight every day is great for people).
And not for nothing… sometimes I eat an obscene amount of dinner and dessert, and then a walk helps me not go into hibernation for 16 hours. Do I come back and realize I have created room for more pumpkin pie? Yes. Yes, I do.
Try the STFU plan
I’ve talked before about trying to make sure every word out of my mouth is truthful, useful, kind and timely. Not one of those four things—all four. Yeah, that limits how much you talk, huh?
But a slightly different tact to take over the holidays is just shutting the f— up. Like, try to not speak unless spoken to.
Your brother-in-law wants to rant about politics? Shut the f— up, Nelson.
Your uncle wants to talk about how his football team is better than yours? Shut the f— up, Nelson.
Your kids want to complain to you about how they don’t like the food? Shut the f— up, Nelson.
Don’t argue. Don’t try to set the record straight. Don’t teach any lessons. Just listen and nod your head. If somebody asks how you’re doing, don’t be rude. Say you’re doing fine, then ask how they’re doing. If a conversation keeps going, ask questions and listen. Just shut up and try to understand, not be understood. Trust me, it might save you some headaches.
So those are my five tips. Hope you have a great holiday. If you do struggle, just know that there are roughly 350 million other people scuffling, too, and there’s probably somebody headed for a meeting near you that can identify. I said it at the beginning and I will say it again to close: Good luck out there.
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
HEARD AT MEETINGS
“It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts.”
(Credit: AA Grapevine, February 2001, John G.)
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