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I did something this week I hadn’t ever done before. I had to speak at a meeting about the Third Step (quick reminder: “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him”), and I realized that of the 12 steps, this was perhaps my weakest area. I’d give myself a passing grade—maybe?—on both Step Two and Step Three.
I did both of them. I have a program that works. I have a higher power that works for my recovery. But I did the bare minimum. It’s like that class where you turned in an extra credit book report at 3 p.m. on the last day of school and managed to eke out a 71 percent. Let’s give me a C-.
Then I thought about what grades I would get on the rest of the 12 steps? So I went through all of them and did a mini stepwork report card, and I found it to be a really interesting autopsy of my program. I’d encourage you to give it a try. I actually had fun with it.
I won’t rattle off all 12 grades but I will say I gave myself my highest grade on Step One. It’s the most work I have done. It’s the best work I have done. And it’s been the most important work I have done. I can’t use drugs or alcohol. Period. I am powerless. My life is unmanageable. And I learned that I need to go to any lengths to never forget that.
As I thought about Step One, I thought that for me—I’m just talking about my program, not anybody else’s—even if I nailed the other 11 steps, I don’t know if my recovery would hold up if I didn’t get an A on Step One. I need to never lose the belief that I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable. I can’t have any wavering. I can’t ponder that one the way I do the concept of a higher power, or whether I need to make amends, or if I am praying enough.
So Step 1 is an A, in my humble opinion.
I also gave myself a solid A on Step Five—I do utilize the sober people in my life. It’s my No. 1 tool, and I am a huge tool, so I need the recovery people around me on an almost daily basis. There’s no shame in that for me, either. I’ve grown to see I live a better, more fulfilling life when I am leaning on others and letting them lean on me.
I mostly ended up giving myself Bs, including on amends (Steps Eight and Nine) as well as working through character defects (Steps Six and Seven). I will confess that I probably should take a B- on character defects, because I do have some that I still like justtttttttt enough to hang onto. For example, I still love a good argument. There’s about 40 percent of me that doesn’t want to be in the debating society any more, and 60 percent finds it exciting to be going back and forth about stuff, big or small. The 40 percent groans when launching into an argument about who should have won a UFC fight or a Senate seat, and the 60 percent feels a rush to rub my hands together and start rumbling.
I’d say a B+ on personal inventory (Step Ten). I think I do an okay job of constantly monitoring that and making amends when I need to do.
But I did make a special note that I might deserve an A+ on taking your inventory. I am Stephen Hawking when it comes to keeping an eye on your character defects and bad behaviors. I practically have thesis papers laying all over the house with the work I’ve done on everybody else in the world.
The one step where I paused for awhile and really wrestled with is Step Four. I do that step more than any other these days. It is a constant presence in my life, so I guess you’d say I am “good at it.” I know how to do that work and love how much air a good Step Four takes out of resentments, how much it helps me find my role in angry situations.
But I paused because I realized that also means I have buckets of resentments that continue to pile up around me. So it made me think about whether it’s a good thing to be “good at it” when it comes to dealing with resentments. Ideally, maybe I’m a little better at not collecting the resentments in the first place?
It’s kind of like how I got really good at cleaning up puke and getting it out of clothes back in my active addiction days. Perhaps the bigger issue was that I was puking all the time from drugs and alcohol?
So that was my report card—mostly good grades, but I’m probably not on the Dean’s List just yet. I really enjoyed it and was intrigued by the exercise because it gave me a treetop self-assessment of the work I’ve done, and the work I need to think about doing going forward.
Last but certainly not least, let me stress one personal belief of mine regarding the steps. In my experience, the steps aren’t really like school at all. This was an interesting experiment but a wise man once told me the 12 steps are tools that I will use the rest of my life. So, in my program, there is no final exam or graduate program or master’s degree. I’m a work in progress and I always want to be a work in progress.
That’s a perfect transition to a joke I heard recently about the steps…
ALCOHOLIC/ADDICT JOKES OF THE DAY
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke.
JOKE NO. 1
A sponsee asked, “What do I do when I finish the steps?”
The sponsor said, “You’ll want to lie very, very still.”
Sponsee: “Lie very still? Why?”
Sponsor: “Because you’ll be dead. That’s when you finish the steps.”
JOKE NO. 2
One night, a man gets trashed at a party and tries to drive home.
Five blocks from the party, the police pull him over and ask him to get out of the car to walk the line. Just as he’s about to give it a try, the police receive a call on their radio about a robbery taking place a few houses away. “Stay put,” one of the officers tells him. “We’ll be right back,” and off they run up the street toward the robbery.
Well, the guy waits and waits, but eventually decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he’s going to bed. “Tell anyone who might come looking for me that I’ve been in bed with the flu all day," he says.
A few hours later, the police knock on the door. His wife tries to say he's been in bed all day but the police produce the guy’s driver’s license and ask to see his car. So his wife shows them the way to the garage, opens the door and… there’s the police car, lights still flashing.
(Credit: AA Grapevine, December 2000, Manning P. from Richmond, Virginia... subscribe at store.aagrapevine.org/us-subscriptions)
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