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On Nov. 10, I celebrated 15 years of sobriety. Hooray for me! I still can’t believe it: For several years, I couldn’t make it till noon every day without some kind of substance to change my mood. Then I went to rehab and haven’t done a single drug or drink for about 5,500 consecutive days. That’s ridiculous.
I had a few random thoughts I wanted to pass along about what I have come to believe during those 15 years.
SOBER LIVING VS. SOBER LIFESTYLE
I tried sobriety as a thing where I went to meetings three times a week, talked to my sponsor a few times a week, and that was it. My life was fine. I’m not sure I really was growing much during that time. But life was okay. My marriage was good. I got promoted at work. I was a decent dad.
But for the past five years or so, I have done sobriety as a lifestyle. Which means I devote a tremendous amount of time, thought and effort to recovery every single day. No days off. I get to 5 meetings a week, sometimes 6 or 7. I talk to 1-2 alcoholics every single day. I am the treasurer for one meeting. I sponsor multiple people. I meditate for 20 minutes every day. For the first time ever, I have begun riding with other sober people to meetings, which is an extra half hour or so before and after meetings. And I go out of my way to spend chunks of time with sober people outside of recovery, too. Movies, parties, book clubs, you name it, I try to do it.
So I now have spent about half of my sobriety time treating recovery like eating my vegetables… and half of my time treating it like the main course. The main course is better.
PROGRESS ISN’T ALWAYS EASY TO SEE
I had a guy give me a hard time recently because I didn’t remember his sobriety date. And honestly, I probably should have remembered it—when he said it, I flashed back and remembered how awesome it was!
At first, I was a little bummed out and chalked it up to getting older and more forgetful. Maybe there’s some of that.
But I think what I ended up realizing is that for the most part, I stay the f— out of peoples’ lives more than I ever have before. Sometimes that means stuff goes in one ear and out the other. But I think it’s coming from a place of minding my own business and not getting inappropriately invested in peoples’ lives. I’m someone who has struggled with that in the past, stockpiling information and being a busybody in other peoples’ lives. I gotta say… it’s pretty nice doing things this way. I’m sure I’ll probably catch some crap once in a while for being forgetful. But nine times out of 10, I am just going to be glad that I am not meddling in other peoples’ business.
DUMBER IS BETTER
I knew a guy many years ago who made it onto Jeopardy, and I couldn’t believe it. I just remember thinking, “Wait, is he brilliant and I had no idea?” He ended up doing very well on the show, and it turns out that yes, he is pretty brilliant.
When I talked to him in subsequent years, I realized that he is just very, very quiet. He doesn’t ever puff out his chest and act like he has all the answers… even though he apparently has all the answers?
It’s a good reminder that I don’t need to always open my mouth. I don’t have to prove how smart I am, or how sober I am, or how experienced I am in the game of life. When I do the most basic things possible—eat well, sleep well, treat people well, do sober work every day—and stop overthinking the world, I am so much happier and can just stay in my freaking lane.
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
NOT THAT KIND OF BAR
For the past three years, I've volunteered a few nights a week at our Alano Club, serving sodas and snacks behind the counter. I have met scores of AAs and their children, who often hide out with me while their parents attend meetings.
I was in the foyer of a movie theater when a boy, about 13, broke away from a group of friends and came over to say hi. He was the son of a member at the club. When he returned to his friends, I overheard one ask: "Who was the old guy you were talking to?"
"Oh, he's cool," the young man replied. "He's the bartender where my dad goes for his AA."
(Credit: Grapevine, October 2005, by Brian A. of Petaluma, California)
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