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I saw another hilarious meme from Sarcastic AA Book the other day. If you don’t follow that account on Instagram, you’re missing out on some daily laughs about sober life.
It says: “That f*****g b***h better call me every day so I can show her the way to peace and serenity.”
That one made me laugh because I have never had that exact thought… but I’ve come close. It’s the ultimate trap of longterm sobriety—thinking I know what I am doing, and that now I am the teacher of all things sobriety.
It still happens to me. In recovery, we read about five books over and over again, and that means I’ve read our literature repeatedly. I’ve heard people share for hours on each step, and I have worked them myself. I’ve read the first 164 pages of the Big Book at least 20 times, maybe up to 50 times total. There’s a real danger to feeling like I’ve heard it all and I know it all. I start to think that I am Dr. Nelson H., professor of the sober studies program at Drunks University!
It’s all b******t. In fact, the less I think I know, the better off I am. Seriously. I’ve shared this before but I went to a work event once and there was a presentation about the ideal employee. And the presenter put up a slide with a giant white circle with a tiny red dot in the middle of it. He said that the giant white circle was everything you could possibly know, and the red dot was about the amount that a single person knows.
His point was that you want employees who are aware that they are the red dot. You want self-aware people who know there is still expertise to be learned every day. I laugh about that story because I remember looking at that slide and saying to myself, “Geez, I’m pretty sure my red dot is a lot bigger than THAT.”
The meme I mentioned at the beginning is specifically about working with newcomers and sponsees. It’s amusing because of that tendency to think we got it all figured out now that we’ve been sober for awhile. I can’t really, truly help people if I am under that delusion.
In my sober time, I’ve been told some really difficult situations from other sober people. I’ve been asked directly, “What should I do?”
I still have an inclination to puff up my chest and just give an answer. But I was told early on in recovery that one of the most important phrases that I need to learn, one that I probably haven’t used much in my life is… “I don’t know.” And that’s the right answer so many times, isn’t it?
I’ve had people ask me if they should get divorced, or tell me they didn’t pay their taxes for awhile and aren’t sure how to approach the IRS or that they have a health issue and aren’t sure what to do with it. And just to be clear, I am not a marriage counselor, a doctor or a tax attorney.
But it is tough for somebody like me to squash down the pride and ego, and boost my humility enough to say something like, “Hmm, I’m not sure. Have you prayed about it? Have you and your spouse tried seeing a therapist/physician/lawyer?”
I guess the key word for me is to support other sober people, rather than teach. I am stubborn—I don’t want a recovery professor preaching at me, either. But I can support, which often means just listening and being available. I can do that.
To go back specifically to that meme, I don’t know that I can actually show somebody the way to peace and serenity exactly as that phrase is worded. I found my way to peace and serenity with guidance but it’s my version of peace and serenity, not anybody else’s. It involves my higher power, my meditation, my meetings, my sober circle, my program. I have to always make sure I am open to suggestions and insights, for sure. But this is a program where you take what you need and leave the rest.
So with all that in mind, I find it kind of heart-warming and reassuring to think about how I am a work in progress, and I always will be. That relieves some pressure when I think about it. I’m trying my best, and that’s good enough.
I mean, will a small part of me still always have a first thought that all of you other people should be following the amazing path that I am blazing here? For sure. So maybe I ought to try and pray and meditate and get to a meeting every day… but also maybe look at that meme every morning and remember I should probably make sure I am on the path to peace and serenity before I start Google Mapping it for you.
ALCOHOLIC/ADDICT JOKE OF THE DAY
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
"How come if alcohol kills millions of brain cells, it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?"
(Credit: AA Grapevine, October of 2004, Daniel M.)
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