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I love the TV show Survivor, and on the newest season, there is a young woman named Tori who says she is a therapist. She’s 25 years old and seems very smart and she is a good athlete, which serves her well in the physical challenges. But she is very aggressive in applying her psychology background to other contestants. She has been making an instant diagnosis on practically everybody in the game.
And guess what? It’s not going well. She has constantly been on the chopping block to get voted out from her peers, and it sure seems like nobody can stand her. We’ll see if she rallies.
What struck me personally is how much I can fall victim to the same kind of thinking—that my experience with something is very valuable to others and should be given to them by me, as I see fit.
I’ve been sober now since 2008, went to rehab, worked the steps, I’ve had a sponsor and been sponsoring people myself for the whole time, and I also have gone to both individual and couples therapy. So I have days where I seem to have certified myself as Nelson H., MD, ready to treat you. “Here, just lay down on this couch and I will teach you how to live your life.”
It’s b******t. It’s reminiscent of those Holiday Inn commercials where someone professes expertise, and somebody else says, “Wow, are you a lawyer?” Then the guy has to say, “No, but I stayed at a Holiday Inn once.”
I’m sober. My life has turned around. I’ve worked with other people who have gotten sober and seen their lives have turned around. But I am not a doctor. I am not a certified treatment counselor. I am not an addiction specialist. I did stay at a Holiday Inn recently, though, so I have that going for me.
My point is, the beauty of working a sober program has been that I have not used drugs and alcohol in a very long time. I’ve also gotten a lot better at working through resentments, learning how to say sorry and mean it, figured out game plans for getting out of self-pity, worked with others in a way that is of service to them and me, learned what being selfless and NOT selfish truly means… all the extra credit stuff that comes with putting down drugs and alcohol.
But that’s for me. I shouldn’t be diagnosing other people. Nobody asked me for that. When I heard that Survivor contestant saying, “Oh, he’s a classic narcissist that comes from x, y and z,” I could hear my internal voice sometimes, where I put labels on people and want to let them know what they need to do to improve themselves. It’s obnoxious.
The good news is, that’s usually just my internal voice, and a healthy sober program has also taught me how to get better at restraint of pen and tongue. I am, thankfully, not on national TV teaching people lessons.
I’ll be interested to see how Tori fares on Survivor. She’s a perfect reality TV character, which means she is fun to watch because of her outspokenness and willingness to get involved in turmoil. My guess is, she will make out about as well as I do when I start armchair diagnosing people.
Which is that everybody says get the hell out of here, jerk.
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
HEARD AT MEETINGS:
“When I get to my wit’s end, I find God lives there.”
(Credit: AA Grapevine, July 2007, by BR)
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