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I was at a meeting recently where we read the part of the Big Book where Steps Six and Seven are introduced. Those are the steps that deal with character defects, and I almost always shake my head in disbelief because it’s only two paragraphs long! It’s the one section of sober literature where I really wish the founders had stretched their legs a little bit and given us more.
Because character defects are COMPLICATED to deal with. I’ve found them really hard to get my arms around because character defects can rise and fall and disappear and come back. That’s why I am a big fan of the 12 and 12 book, which devotes a full chapter to each of those two steps. And I also love the book “Drop the rock,” which is about 125 pages long and deals with Steps Six and Seven in really digestible but important ways. There are about 40 anecdotal stories in there from people that are all relatively short, and each contributor brings up how a specific character defect affects them. I found it to be an awesome supplemental piece of reading about a crucial topic that is—in my humble opinion—a little underserved by our core literature.
What I really ended up meditating the other night was the idea of, What is a character defect, exactly? Because I bet my list of things that cause me enough pain to want to change is different than lots of other people, and I bet I have some things on my list that will rotate on and off.
The specific example that came up at the meeting the other night was swearing. Is swearing a character defect? If you pay attention to this newsletter, you can safely assume I would answer no for me personally, that it’s not a character defect because I do it all the time. I actually like it. I find it funny. I find it the most authentic way for me to communicate. To not swear is inconsistent with who I am.
And yet… I got sober at a meeting where the group conscience was to not swear. The chairperson of the meeting was to jump in if someone swore and ask them to not swear—we had a laminated sign on the wall and everything. I originally thought it was because we were in a church and the church had asked us to curb bad language. Not true. I asked about it, and the secretary for the meeting said the group had discussed it before—many times, actually—and decided that they believed that serenity and swearing didn’t go together. So, no swearing.
I abided by that rule for awhile, and I found myself liking it. I believed that I had this lower urge to drop f bombs and sprinkle in swear words just for the effect, and by eliminating it for an hour every day, I felt a little more serene. So I started trying to not swear at all for the other 23 hours every day, and I got pretty good at it. I realized that I didn’t need to swear. I felt fine without it. It didn’t really hinder my ability to communicate. I’m not sure anybody ever noticed, but I did feel like not swearing gave me a confidence and a command that might have brought me a little more respect in professional settings.
Also, not for nothing… when you’re raising kids, you gotta clean up your language around them, too. So during that period of my life, not swearing wasn't this thing that I bottled up for short periods of time and then I exploded with s**t-ass-f**k-and so on. It was a lifestyle change.
I did that for maybe a year, and then I started to drift. I’d let my potty mouth back into the conversation, and it didn’t really cause me any pain. And then a few years later, I started doing standup and let me tell you, people laugh at swear words. They just do. You drop in an f bomb in the right spot, at the right amounts, and the crowd roars. So that increased my bad language.
I eventually decided to try to use minimal swear words during comedy shows, and it was quite hard. But I tried and had some success. Then one night I was bombing on stage with a PG-13 act, and I felt the flop sweat under my pits, and I started to speed up to compensate… and I just went full R rating. With every joke, I added in a flurry of words that would make Marines cover their ears. And it worked. I got more laughs than I would have with a cleaner set.
I’ve been away from the stage for about a year now, so I’ve settled into a comfortable level of swearing in my life. I still think I could lop off 20 percent fewer bad words and feel a little better about myself. Maybe I’ll work on that.
So is swearing a character defect? My answer would be, it depends on the f*****g day.
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
Three signs you might be an alcoholic:
--1: The convenience store clerk asks why you have grass on your back.
--2: You keep the dry-wall repair guy on retainer.
--3: You believe that you’re receiving the equivalent of a college education watching Court TV.
(Credit: AA Grapevine, October 2001, Tom L. from Orlando, Florida)
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