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When I told my wife I had to go to rehab in 2008, she seemed genuinely surprised. I had done a pretty good job of covering up how bad my addictions had gotten. She knew I had been prescribed some painkillers, and that I drank sometimes in addition to the opioids, and we both knew mixing those two things was probably a bad idea. But she didn’t know I was drinking and drugging every single day, and at about 10 times the amounts she knew about.
A few weeks into rehab, she asked me about my itching. Before I’d gone to rehab, I had gotten to the point where I was itching the skin off my arms and legs most nights. I would itch and itch and itch, even when I was passed out, to the point where I took lots of Benadryl to try to counteract the itching. I was taking Benadryl pills and also going through copious amounts of Benadryl cream on my arms and legs. My side of the bed was a disgusting slip-and-slide of allergy cream.
I’m not sure exactly what was going on with the itching. It’s possible that I had a mild allergy and taking 50-60 painkillers a day accentuated that. Or, it’s possible that most people would start itching if they took 50-60 painkillers a day because, you know, THAT’S BAD FOR A HUMAN BODY. I never investigated it very much.
I’m bringing this up now for two reasons. One is I spent last week very grateful that I don’t have to live like that any more. I don’t know what exactly happened early in the week, but I ended up itching my leg like crazy one night, to the point where I had long scratches on my left leg. They were pretty painful, too. I think I just got too aggressive in the middle of the night and itched my leg too much.
When I woke up in the morning, I was looking at my leg and my wife noticed. She asked what happened, and I said I didn’t really know. She got a look of concern on her face, and I could tell we were both having similar flashbacks to many years ago. I could see it in her eyes how vivid over-itching (is that actually a word?) was as a sign of my active addiction.
The other reason I was thinking about itching last week is that I went to a meeting on Wednesday where we read several passages from sober literature about how alcoholism is a disease and that we alcoholics have an allergy to it. I don’t think about that too much any more, but the idea that I have a disease and need treatment every day really helped me early on in recovery. I connected with the idea that if I had a peanut allergy, I wasn’t going to be able to think really hard about it and then be able to manage it and eat peanut butter.
Same with my allergy to alcohol and drugs. At first, when I thought about it being a disease that I will have forever, it felt daunting and overwhelming. But then I thought about how many people have diseases that aren’t fun… but they adjust and live awesome lives. I had to do the same, and I mostly have. I have an awesome life that I am proud of. Yes, it involves over-itching once in a while. But it beats passing out in a pool of sweat and Benadryl every night!
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
OLDIE BUT GOODIE: I once heard of a songwriter who tried to compose a drinking song. But she could never get past the first three bars.
(Credit: Grapevine, July 2008, by VRM of Brooklyn, NY)
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