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I heard someone share recently that she had a rough Zoom call and had a hard time not exploding at her boss. She wanted to push back on some of the constructive criticism her boss was offering, and also to air out a few things that she thought her boss had contributed to the problem.
She said her whole head was throbbing and it took every ounce of energy to just keep her mouth shut. She knew she’d be better off thinking through what the right things to say might be and make sure she didn’t say some of the things she was thinking at that very moment. She just kept telling herself to pause when agitated, as we learn in recovery.
She eventually said, “Thanks for that feedback. Let me think about it all and I’ll get back with you.” She said her tone was pleasant, patient and calm, even though that isn’t what she was feeling. And as she talked, she noticed herself on the screen saying these things that she didn’t feel but wished she was feeling. In other words, she saw someone on the Zoom screen who was behaving exactly as she would like, despite thoughts that were in the gutter.
When she got off the call, she said she exploded a little bit. She said she spent a half hour cursing this guy out in her head, then she said a prayer and called a sober friend. By the end of the day, her brain had gotten to the place where her body was—calm, respectful, not agitated, open-minded about some of the criticism.
She ultimately felt like her boss was right about a few things, and misinformed about something else. So she reached out back out later in the day, said she was going to take a look at what he’d brought up and work on fixing it, but that there was one thing that she hoped he could take a look at the next time around. His reply was that he hadn’t considered that thing and he was glad to know about it now, and he apologized for prematurely pinning it on her.
That’s a sober victory.
I loved that story because I’ve had some instances of it in my life the past three years. Zoom is a strange medium that holds a mirror up to your face as you speak. Sometimes you see dumb stuff, like maybe that part of your sandwich is still hanging off your face from lunch. Sometimes you see bigger ideas, which is that your own growth is right there on screen, being a positive, patient influence on people even when you don’t feel that in your head. It really can feel like you’re watching a better version of yourself on TV.
I don’t always love the slogan “fake it till you make it,” because I don’t want to be living a pretend life of good behaviors while having disastrous, alcoholic thoughts. But I mostly like that slogan because I have seen the benefits. I need to do good things, over and over and over again, to set an example for myself, and then my brain usually follows. I ultimately think when I have good actions and not-so-good thoughts… that’s mostly a win. And the more of those wins I rack up, the more my thoughts get a little better.
And yes, I too have had a few Zoom calls where my feelings were not great but I had a smile on my face and I was calm and understanding. It’s an odd juxtaposition, me wanting to bark at somebody, while not barking at that person, while watching myself on a Zoom window not bark at that person. But it’s a real sign of growth in my opinion, and I’ll take that any day.
However… I would like to get a little better about showing up for Zooms with barbecue sauce all over my face!
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
OVERHEARD AT A MEETING:
"Alcoholics are the only people in the world who want a Pulitzer Prize for writing a check!"
(Credit: AA Grapevine, November 2008, by Ed L. of Wrightwood, California)
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