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I’ve never been able to process when people think they’re better than me.
Actually, an important correction to that statement: I’ve never been able to process when I ASSUME that people think they’re better than me.
It dawned on me recently that I don’t think I have had a single person ever actually say that to me or about me. So most of that feeling is just me, picking up scents that might not exist.
In sobriety, I’ve spent a lot of time working on that. I still don’t quite understand why my back goes up when I detect that maybe—maybe!—you’re looking down on me.
I remember as a kid getting into massive arguments about why my favorite sports teams were better than another kid’s teams, and then being devastated to go to school on Monday if my team lost to the other kid’s team. I took it so personal.
And I basically kept going like that. The sports team thing is pretty ridiculous, so I got over letting my self esteem ebb and flow based on how the Giants played on Sunday. But for everything else in life, I really had a hard time with it.
Exhibit A was dating. Nothing was harder than dating. Everybody takes rejection badly but I found myself devastated when someone didn’t like me quite as much as I liked them. I knew people that went on a few dates and then a relationship fizzled out and they just moved on. Not me. I took it as a deep blow to my psyche.
It wasn’t just dating, though. I couldn’t handle a single snarky comment without thinking you declared war. It was so petty and a very good window into how many insecurities I had in almost every area of my life.
Now factor in what 10 years of active addiction did to me. I spent many, many days—a few thousand, by my count—knowing deep down that I was doing awful things, that I was lying and stealing and living a fake life. So that hair trigger reaction of immediately feeling like someone is looking down on me got even worse… because I looked down on me, too! If you have terrible self esteem, it’s pretty easy to think people don’t think much of you!
Well, good news. I got sober, and I don’t have to live like that any more. I still don’t react great when someone is condescending toward me, but I take it a lot less personal. During the 12-step work I’ve done, I learned to figure out my part of things and then let go of the rest. Often times, when somebody is a jerk toward me, it’s hurting them way more than it’s hurting me. Being a jerk ain’t a great lifestyle choice over the long haul, in my humble opinion.
I’ll give you one funny example, though, of how I am still a work in progress. The reason I chose this as a topic is because of something that happened the other day with my daughter’s boyfriend. She’s in high school now, and I’m determined to be the kind of parent who does the best they can, then trusts his kids to go make their own choices. I don’t want to be micromanaging their lives and helicoptering over them because I personally don’t think that’s what will serve them best. I tried that early on in fatherhood and I didn’t think it actually worked. I mean, I can’t go on every date they ever go on, or to every party they’re ever invited to, right?
That is hard—I really need a higher power and a belief in the universe that everything will be okay. I learned a lot of that through sponsorship, and how I can’t lock people in a closet at my house and make them get sober. Same with my kids. I am here for support at all times, but I can’t make good choices for them.
So back to the boyfriend story. For the first time, I dropped her off at the boyfriend’s house the other day. My daughter’s a great kid, and so is he. And I spoke at length with his parents, who seem like wonderful, attentive people. I felt really good as I got ready to leave their house.
I was standing on the front steps, talking to his mom. We were winding down our conversation and I was about to leave when I saw my daughter and him walk behind the mom and start going upstairs. As they went up the steps, he turned and made eye contact with me. He didn’t smirk or make any weird looks, but my first thought was, “This son of a b***h is just rubbing it in my face… he thinks he got one over on me. Let me show him.”
But before I could blow the whole thing up and tell my daughter we’re leaving, I caught myself. If I were an old-school VCR, my best button would be the pause button. I always need to take a breath and think through my gut reactions, because they’re usually pretty bad. So I paused for a second.
I don’t know what he was thinking. I doubt it was what I projected onto him. I ended up smiling, waving and leaving. I trust my kid, and now more than ever in my sobriety, I trust my own process of working through feelings. I have a much better radar now for what I can control and what I can’t.
Did I still have a few moments the rest of the afternoon where I snarled for a second thinking about that look? Yes, I did. But then I laughed and moved on.
ALCOHOLIC/ADDICT JOKE OF THE DAY
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
A drunk was complaining about his marriage all night at the bar. "You know, I think God speaks to us through our spouses," his friend said.
“Wow," the drunk said. "I didn't know God used that kind of language."
(Credit: AA Grapevine, December 2005)
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