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I shared at a meeting the other day how Halloween 2008 helped get me sober, and someone specifically commented that that anecdote really hit home with him because of what a mess holidays used to be when he was still drinking and drugging.
Halloween 2008 was my first real Halloween as a dad. My oldest daughter was 3 and my youngest was 1, so it was their first time dressing up and going trick or treating. My wife and I were very excited… except I was living a lie. Nothing really excited me other than drugs and alcohol. Stuff like Halloween was fine and all, but I had to squeeze it in around the drugs and alcohol. Substances were a black hole that was sucking my whole life into it.
That day, I remember taking 45 painkillers. I was up to 15 painkillers at a time, and I would take 15 at about 9 am, then 15 more at about 11 am. By that point, I was often either barely conscious or very sick. But I would do it anyway because I did usually get a pretty good hour or two of being high. At about 2 pm, I would be woozy and coming down, so I would take 15 more.
I remember that day vividly because I had gotten my hands on a bunch of muscle relaxers, which I had never tried before. I hurried home from work—and yes, I was driving a car at that point—and got home around 6 pm. The kids were all dressed up and ready to go, and I told my wife I was going to eat dinner quick, then meet her down the street.
My wife told me the route she was taking, and I waited for the door to close. Then I popped two muscle relaxers and cracked my first of a few beers to wash it down.
Five hours later, I woke up. I had passed out. I think it was mostly the muscle relaxers, but who can say with all those opioids and alcohol in your system? It was after midnight, and my wife and kids were all asleep. They had gone trick or treating, come home, got ready for bed, brushed their teeth and gone to bed… and I was unconscious in the other room. I missed the whole thing.
I remember thinking, “Oh my god, my wife is going to kill me in the morning.” But the worst part was, the next morning, she seemed mildly disappointed but mostly unbothered by my absence, which hit me hard because I realized that I had become something other than a dad. I was a guy who lived at the house and sometimes showed up for stuff and sometimes didn’t. I was everybody’s roommate, and not a great roommate at that.
I shared that at the meeting the other day, and several other people commented to me that that was a helpful reminder around the holidays. For a lot of us sober people, holidays can be a grind where we get out of rhythm and feel a little squirrelly, and it can be easy to lose track of the fact that we are doing just fine.
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
A woman brought her son to an AA meeting. Later, as they were leaving, the mother complained about the hard seats, how long people had talked and how the chair didn't follow guidelines. Finally the little boy said, "Mommy, I thought it was pretty good for a dollar!"
(Credit: Grapevine, September 2009, by Chris K. of Lexington, KY)
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