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I was at a meeting recently that is a closed meeting, which is defined as a meeting intended for people who are alcoholics trying to stay sober. So technically, closed meetings aren’t for spouses, kids, nursing students, or people with alcohol problems who don’t really want to stop.
At this meeting, the dad of a guy was there and introduced himself as just being there to support his son. As far as I know, nobody approached the guy during or after the meeting to let him know it’s a closed meeting. By letter of the law, I think a real sobriety stickler might have raised their hand and announced that this was a closed meeting intended only for alcoholics interested in recovery. Nobody did that here, to my knowledge.
And personally, I’m glad. The thought crossed my mind that this meeting was a closed meeting, not open, and I wrestled with whether it was worth bringing up throughout the meeting, because rules are rules. I respect things that have been handed down over many decades, such as defining meetings publicly as open or closed. There are scenarios where people choose meetings because they know there will only be men or women there, or that the meeting will be closed or open, or that a meeting doesn’t let people share if they were late. The last thing 12-step programs need is alcoholics and addicts who toss out group conscience and do whatever they feel like. So I respect those rules.
However, I often feel a little grace is necessary with outsiders showing up. I’ve been at men’s meetings where a woman shows up and doesn’t realize it’s a men’s meeting. My feeling is that you ask the person to step outside and then take a group conscience on allowing the person to stay. I’ve seen that happen about five times, and all five times, the group voted overwhelmingly to ask the woman to stay for the meeting. I feel like that open door policy is one of the core values of recovery.
I’ve also been at meetings where a group of college students show up and say that part of their curriculum requires them to attend a 12-step meeting. I’ve seen that about 10 times, and I believe every one of those meetings was an open meeting, which allows for anybody to show up. I mention the nursing students because in those meetings, I did feel a slightly different vibe for myself, where I wasn’t sure I wanted to share as openly as if it were all alcoholics. In those moments, I usually spend a minute thinking about how there is value in closed meetings.
Which brings me back to the dad showing up. It did cross my mind to pull the guy aside after the meeting and let him know he should consider looking up open meetings if he planned to attend. But ultimately I didn’t. When in doubt, I usually tend to keep my pie hole shut rather than confront somebody. You never know how they could take something like that.
My overall opinion is live and let live. I actually don’t mind at a closed meeting if a loved one shows up. I can’t imagine booting that person out. I could live with taking a group conscience and putting it to a vote—I wouldn’t be angry about that. And I wouldn’t be bothered if every meeting was open. I think if I ever got to a point where I didn’t feel comfortable sharing at a meeting because students or parents were there, I might just leave and find another meeting.
My last thought on this topic was one time I went to a morning meeting where about five nursing students showed up. They were all young women, probably in their early 20s. They all seemed like very nice people. But it was a rough meeting, with a few people who’d just gotten out of rehab. So they were sharing some tough newcomer stories of some of the things they had been up to a month or two earlier, before rehab, and I watched as these nursing students’ eyes started to bulge out of their head. It actually got pretty amusing because it really showed the difference between non-alcoholics and alcoholics—half of the people at the meeting were chuckling and laughing along because they had done some of the same horrific behaviors. I remember leaving that day and saying god bless open meetings… but that I thought we might have just had five future nurses change their majors.
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
THE TIPSY TEENAGER calls her mom:
"I got into a little wreck, but I'm okay."
"Can't you do anything right?" the frustrated mom says.
Daughter: "I was wearing clean underwear!"
(Credit: Grapevine, January 2009, by Lilia M. of Sunrise, Florida)
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