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I was at a meeting recently where the topic was the importance of anonymity, and woo boy, it was so interesting to hear people give both their opinions and their experiences. Because guess what? Not everybody has the exact same opinion about the definition of anonymity, and the idea that that’s okay is one of the coolest parts of being in recovery. I’ve heard people say it’s a cult, or brain-washing, and I just don’t see that. I see a bunch of free-thinkers involved in a program that is all suggestions, no enforcement, and that leaves a wide range of opinions on any given topic—including anonymity.
So what I thought I would do is throw out five scenarios in a pop quiz-like format. I’ll tell you my thoughts on each, and I would love to hear yours. But again, just to double down… these are just my opinions, not anybody else’s. So if you disagree, that’s fine, I speak only for myself, not for any program.
Another thing: I completely made up these scenarios, and I used fake names. If I use the name Frank or Heather in here, it’s not based on an actual human being named Frank or Heather.
Scenario 1: Some clown starts an anonymous newsletter about sobriety.
My thoughts: Uh, that’s a clear violation of all recovery principles.
Just kidding. I’ve talked about this before, but when I was considering doing a newsletter, I spent a month or so soliciting opinions and reading recovery literature about the definition of anonymity. The decision I reached was that I could publish a newsletter, without using my real name, but that I should avoid talking about specific 12-step programs. As I’ve said in the past, I actually have participated in four different recovery programs, some of which were 12 steps and some that weren’t, and I also have participated in therapy over the years. So my experience on sobriety is actually a combination of lots of things, anyway.
Now, did I reach the right decision? I honestly don’t know. I argue with myself about it sometimes because I am talking about sobriety in a public forum. It’s tricky to know what the right answer is.
Scenario 2: You’re friends with Frank. A new guy, Biff, comes into recovery and you and Frank both befriend him. Biff is sober for a month, then relapses and gets arrested. One day, you run into Frank and he says, “Hey, have you heard from Biff? How’s he doing?”
My thoughts: This pops up quite frequently in sobriety. One of my favorite things about recovery is forming awesome communities, which means we look out for each other and we communicate frequently. But that also opens the door to things that are either gossip, or close to it.
In this situation in the past, I’ve always feel a pang in my stomach about how to answer. One pang is because I didn’t want to be a dick and say, “That’s none of your business; you’ll have to ask Biff.” I also didn’t want to tell somebody else’s story for them because of my basic interpretation of what anonymity means. So I used to say, “Well, Biff’s not doing great. You should give him a call.”
Now I say basically the same thing, but with 10 percent more anonymity. I try to just say, “I talked to him yesterday. Give him a call. He can update you.” There’s not a huge difference between those two things, I know. I just try to go overboard on protecting your story. It is YOUR story, after all, and unless you’ve asked me to be your spokesperson, I’m not going to be.
Scenario 3: Biff stays sober for six months, and posts a picture of his anniversary coin on Facebook and he thanks his specific 12-step program.
My thoughts: This is a very thorny issue based on recovery literature that I have read. As a reminder, the 11th tradition states that: “Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.”
OK, there’s a lot to unpack and chew on with this scenario.
The first thing is that I would say that social media didn’t exist when these programs were created, but I would guess that Facebook, etc. would be considered under the spirit of the definition to be press, radio and films.
The second thing that stands out to me is that it definitely seems to apply to publicly stating you’re in recovery. I re-read the 11th tradition in the 12 and 12 book not too long ago, and it was pretty hard-line about anonymity. Like, hard-line in a way that it actually seemed like a sober newsletter might be going against the principle in some ways. I obviously felt differently or else you wouldn’t be subjected to reading this or listening to this right now!
The third thing that I couldn’t help but think about is that maybe the most important thing to ever happen to 12-step recovery was a national magazine story. Bill W. let a Saturday Evening Post writer into the world of recovery in 1941 and fully participated in a story that became a national sensation and caused a huge spike in people seeking out 12-step help. I am including a link HERE from the official web site where Bill’s enthusiasm for national press coverage is pretty obvious. So, I sometimes have a hard time contrasting that key early moment with the guidance that was passed along later.
OK, so my final answer here is… I don’t have a problem with anybody posting their sobriety date. I like seeing it. It helps me. I think it helps spread a little hope. And you earned a small victory lap, I would say. I personally don’t do it but that’s because I mostly try to avoid social media for other reasons. The only thing I have seen that I definitely think is not cool is when Biff posts he has six months sober, then thanks 15 people from recovery who helped him get there. I just don’t think that Biff’s roster of sober friends signed up for that public acknowledgement.
Scenario 4: You’re at a party and someone offers you a drink. You say, “No thanks,” and they ask why. What do you do?
My thoughts: What’s interesting is how few times this has actually happened in real life, versus how many times I have heard alcoholics and addicts worry about it happening in life. I just haven’t run into it much. I have mostly found that nobody really gives a s**t if you’re drinking, what you’re drinking, etc.
But I have had it happen a few times, and my response always is, “Nah, I gave up drinking.” Nobody has ever asked me a single followup. I guess if they asked why, I would say something like, “It’s just not good for me. I tend to drink a little too much, and the next day, I always regret it.” Something like that.
Looking at this solely through breaking anonymity to another person, I think that lies with every individual person. If you want to say you had to go to rehab and now you participate in 12-step recovery, I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I am pretty open about it myself. But some people aren’t, and I think that’s fine, too. I wouldn’t recommend going door to door at your office Christmas party saying what a raging alcoholic you were. It’s probably not worth it. But I do think if you’re comfortable saying, “I quit drinking because I realized I was an alcoholic and I needed help,” go for it.
Scenario 5: You run into Biff at the grocery store. He’s with somebody you don’t know. You are excited to see your sober friend, Biff, so you rush in for a hug. Cool or not cool?
My thoughts: So I actually had this scenario happen to me. And I love seeing sober people out in public. It always is a little mini boost to my sobriety in the moment, and a reminder that we carry our principles out into all of our affairs.
When I began to head toward this dude for a hug, he gave me a wide-eyed look that signaled, “Leave me alone.” So I did. I was aggravated, though. What was Biff’s problem? Are we not friends any more? Screw him, what a jerk.
The next day, he called me and apologized. He said he was on his first date with someone, that they decided to cook dinner together, so they went to the grocery store to pick out ingredients to make together. He said he didn’t really want to explain why he got an aggressive man-hug in the middle of the grocery store on a first date, and I completely understood.
It was a good reminder that 99 percent of the time, the person in front of you probably will like to see you. But that person also has an absolute right to their anonymity in all circumstances, and sometimes that includes anybody who is with the sober person. I really don’t want a sober dad to have to explain to his kids at the mall for the first time that he is an alcoholic and that I am his alcoholic friend, and that’s why the two dudes just had a weird long embrace in front of Cinnabon.
So those are some thoughts on anonymity. One more time, just to be clear: There is a wide range of opinions on anonymity. Mine is just one from within that wide range of opinions. I would suggest reading program literature on it, then figuring out what you’re comfortable with. Then your opinion can be part of the wide range of opinions on anonymity, too!
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
A recovering alcoholic went out to dinner and was asked by the hostess if he would like a cocktail.
"No thanks," he replied. "I have an important business meeting next month."
(Credit: AA Grapevine, September 2008, by E.D. of Maryland)
Please spread the word to a sober friend! Find me on Substack… or Twitter… or Facebook… or Instagram… or YouTube. And introducing my web site, LOLsober.com.
