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I was very sad on Friday night when news broke that Matthew Perry had died. I had been a Friends fan, and I liked a few of his movies, too. I became aware later in life that he’d had all sorts of struggles with pills and alcohol, and then he had several significant medical issues in recent years, too. He’d talked openly about finding sobriety for stretches. I saw him do a few interviews to promote his book a few years ago and you could hear the recovery in his voice. I identified with so much of his story.
A few random thoughts on him:
First: People really had glowing things to say about him as a person, most notably how kind and generous he was. I like to hear that because in my experience, a lot of alcoholics and addicts are wonderful human beings with giant, empathetic hearts. That can get disguised under all the substance abuse and hiding and lying to keep the game going. But there really are quite a few people with beautiful souls out there. Some stop using. Some don’t.
Second: I always felt conflicted when I saw people like Matthew Perry talk openly about substance abuse and recovery. Does it violate the 12-step tradition of anonymity? Is the tradition of anonymity outdated? Does a celebrity talking openly about addiction issues help others? Hurt others? Have no impact? I genuinely don’t know the answer. But, as someone who has chosen to speak publicly about recovery in a general sense, always careful to avoid mentioning specific fellowships, I do tend to think it is helpful. And so that’s where I ultimately land on Matthew Perry. On this day, a half week since he died, do I think his life led to some people getting sober, or at least knowing more about substance abuse and recovery? Yes, I do.
Third: I used to get really drunk or high (or both!) and think that if I just had more money, I’d be able to stop. I thought that I wouldn’t have financial insecurity and could pay off all my student loans and credit cards, then I would be able to stop using and start life with a clean slate. If I absolutely had to, I could take a leave from work with no money concerns if I were rich, and I could check myself into a really nice, tranquil rehab in Florida or California or Hawaii. If I just had money! I gotta say, now that I have been sober for awhile, I have seen too many times where money has the opposite effect—it can get in the way of truly hitting rock bottom. Matthew Perry made tens of millions of dollars from Friends, and I’d be curious to hear from him whether being rich and famous helped or hurt his efforts to get sober.
Fourth: Aside from the addiction stuff, I always admired Perry’s comedic ability. As someone who tried comedy for three years, I learned pretty quickly how a person’s affect and mannerisms could make the same joke land 100 different ways. He played Chandler Bing in a way where he could take a decent joke on paper and make it a home run by using slumped shoulders, or a tilted head, or enunciating one word a little differently. It’s a remarkable skill that is very hard to master. When I think about the 10 funniest people I’ve ever heard, most of them are one-of-a-kind not because of the material they write but how they deliver it. Think about Jerry Seinfeld, Joan Rivers, Richard Pryor, Kevin Hart, Jim Gaffigan, Robin Williams, Wanda Sykes… these are people who had something about them that made them one-of-one. They all had a very specific style that made it impossible to imagine anybody else being able to pull off the exact same funny thing they did.
And that was the epitome of Matthew Perry’s Chandler Bing on Friends. Name somebody who could have made that character connect the way that he did. I think all six members of that main cast were very good at what they did, and it’s hard to contemplate another actor playing any of the six. But could someone have done a decent impersonation of Joey as a big hunky meathead? Or could another actress have done a decent representation of Monica or Phoebe? And, apologies if this is blasphemous, but I kind of feel like David Schwimmer and Jennifer Aniston were kind of just playing Ross and Rachel as David Schwimmer and Jennifer Aniston.
That’s a long way of saying that I thought the Matthew Perry had maybe the highest WAR of any actor in any sitcom ever. WAR is a baseball statistic that stands for Wins Above Replacement, which measures how good a player does compared with the average player who plays the same position. The best players have the highest WARs, which shows that they can do so much more than a run-of-the-mill guy trying to do the same things on a baseball field. Matthew Perry’s WAR was incredible as Chandler .
So no matter what we find out ultimately caused his death, I feel safe saying that for all the ups and downs of his life and career, Matthew Perry had a pretty damn good WAR as a human being, too.
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
HEARD AT MEETINGS
"I was happy to get to my second AA birthday because then I could say that I had 'years' of sobriety. At my fourth anniversary, I was even happier: Then I could say 'years and years.'"
(Credit: Grapevine, November 2009)
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