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I went to a wedding this weekend, and it struck me how much weddings used to be one of my fears about getting sober.
How could I stay sober for such a big party day? And how could I not drink when everybody else is? Won’t I be a boring downer the whole time?
I really believed that about weddings, Super Bowls, family reunions, Christmas… what about Christmas without having a few drinks in me?!?! Won’t it be ruined?
I got sober in early November of 2008, so that concern was put to the test almost immediately at Thanksgiving, followed by Christmas. And guess what? All of the concern was a total b******t concoction in my brain.
The truth was shocking. First of all, I had this idea in my head that at previous birthdays and weddings and holidays, when I got a few pops in me, I was the life of the party and everybody loved it. Uh, that was not true. For the five years or so before I got sober, I had been getting plastered and either disappearing, getting sick or becoming obnoxious. Shocker, but nobody missed that person attending an event at their house.
Secondly, I also was deludedly thinking that for me personally these events would now suck without the booze. Holy crap, it’s the complete opposite! My 12 best Christmases as a parent all happened in recovery because I was sober in the run-up to the event and could think about others in a deeper way, and then at the events, I wasn’t puking in between gift openings.
I’ve only been to a few weddings in the past 12 years, but it has been beautiful to be present in a sober way. I cried at the wedding this past weekend as the dad walked the daughter down the aisle and it hit me as both a wonderful moment for them. I also couldn’t help but think how special it will be for me to walk my daughters down the aisle some day and not be stumbling down drunk.
Third, that worry about everybody drinking except for me? More b******t. In sobriety, I have noticed there are plenty of people not getting drunk at these events, and even the ones who are don’t give a s**t about me. I’ve only been asked once or twice over the past 12 years why I wasn’t drinking, and nobody ever has pressed the issue. The reality is, drunk people are drunk and haven’t paid much attention to what is in my hand!
Last but not least, at the right dosage, I find it pretty amusing to watch drunk people and know I don’t have to be one of them. I still always think about Saint Patrick’s Day of 2009. I went to a 12-step meeting and walked outside of the church in New York City and the St. Patty’s Day parade was coming by. It was my first big rowdy drinking event since I’d been in recovery. There were people screaming, throwing up, spilling drinks, falling down, hanging off floats… it was total chaos on the street. I was alarmed at first but then an old-timer with a cigarette in his mouth sidled up beside me, took a big drag and sighed. “The amateurs are out today, huh?” he said.
I laughed really hard and crossed the street in between people dressed in green, barfing up green stuff, and I went back to work. I was—and remain—so glad I’m a retired professional drinker these days!
ALCOHOLIC/ADDICT JOKE OF THE DAY
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "Drinking in the dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined twenty dollars the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined sixty dollars. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of one hundred and eighty dollars. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a student in the crowd piped up: "How much for a season pass?"
(Credit: AA Grapevine, May 2004, Linda S. from Bonita Springs, Florida)
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