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Have you heard Taylor Swift’s new song, “Anti-Hero?” If you have ears and a brain that can process sound, you probably have. It’s one of those pop songs right now where you can be in the car and switch radio stations four times and it’ll be on three of them at that exact moment. It’s everywhere. Here is a link to it on YouTube.
I was struck by the basic message of the song, which is about looking in the mirror and realizing that you’re involved in every one of your problems. Is every problem your fault? Nah. I’ve talked about how much I love the spiritual axiom that is in the Big Book where it says, “It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.” I personally think that is true about 99 percent of the time. But I also think there is 1 percent of the time where bad s**t happens and in those instances I would not tell that person whose house burned down or their dog got hit by a car that they should be looking in the mirror to figure out what’s wrong with them.
But most of the time, a look in the mirror is probably worthwhile. Which brings me back to the Taylor Swift song, because she’s zeroing in on that same general message. What I like about the song is that she’s flagging behaviors and attitudes in her life and raising her hand to take accountability. I don’t even think she’s saying she is 100 percent responsible for those problems. Just that she needs to own up to some portion of it.
This section specifically speaks to me:
I should not be left to my own devicesThey come with prices and vicesI end up in crisis (tale as old as time)I wake up screaming from dreamingOne day I'll watch as you're leaving'Cause you got tired of my scheming(For the last time)
It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's meAt tea time, everybody agreesI'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirrorIt must be exhausting, always rooting for the anti-hero
I like the general idea here that it’s hard to look in the mirror. I’ve found that in recovery. Part one of looking in the mirror was relatively straightforward: I had a significant drug and alcohol problem and had to clean up that wreckage. There was nothing to debate about it. It was clearly my issue that I needed to get help for.
But part two has been trickier. There have been issues in my life where I am responsible for 50 percent of the problem and somebody else is responsible for 50 percent. But in those circumstances, I need to throw my hand up, like Tay-Tay does in “Anti-Hero,” and own my portion of that. Then I need to accept what happens next. Sometimes people say, “Ah, thanks for saying that,” and nothing else, and you have to be comfortable that they’re not going to own their part of it.
When that happens, it’s some next level recovery stuff. It’s so easy to get pissed and tell them to fess up to what they botched. Luckily, I have found that most of the time, when you say, “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me” in that type of situation, the other person or people usually chimes in that they could have done their part in a better way, too. Not always. But quite often.
And when that doesn’t happen, I usually am able to shrug my shoulders these days. That other person being unwilling to say “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me,” is ultimately their problem, and it probably causes them pain the same way it causes me pain when I refuse to take responsibility.
I’ll tell you this much, though: I’m actually pretty excited now to have a song to listen to that can get me in the mood to eat some s**t. It’s like a soundtrack for my life! Thanks, Taylor Swift!
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
Desperate, a drunk goes into her doctor’s office and pleads, “Doctor, doctor, you’ve got to help me! I can’t keep my hands from shaking.”
“How much do you drink?” asks the doctor.
“Not much at all,” she answers. “I spill most of it.”
(Credit: AA Grapevine, December 2001, Dave S. from Ithaca, New York)
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