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I have a sober friend who I really respect, and he always talks about the 7-second plan. His theory is that no matter how tense or aggressive a conversation is, you always have the opportunity to pause for 7 seconds before you speak, and that when you pause 7 seconds to speak, you will respond better almost every time.
In theory, I agree with that. But does it actually work? What’s the difference between now and 7 seconds from now, especially in an argument?
It’s a huge difference, it turns out. I tried it recently because I have been finding myself about 29 percent more irritable in normal conversation. So I have been making some unnecessary snippy comments, and also doing plenty of sighing and hand motioning to indicate that I am annoyed. I was hoping to remedy that a little bit by trying the 7-second plan.
I gotta say… it worked very, very well. It is easier said than done—I found myself literally biting my tongue a few times just to not say anything right away. What I found was, even during a feisty exchange, I could always find space for the 7-second delay by saying something like, “Hmmm, let me think about that for a second.” The other person would wait patiently as I contemplated whether to respond calmly or, you know, strangle them.
After 7 seconds, I usually had a better response, even if it was only a slightly better response. The extra breath or two always brought forth a more subdued response, and even in my worst moments, I could more calmly say, “You know, I hear you, but I don’t agree.” A few times, I would add in, “Let’s both think about it a little more. I want to really sit with what you were saying.”
I’m not going to pretend 7 seconds solved all my problems, though. I found myself on several occasions—especially with my teenage daughters—still wanting to launch them into the sun after 7 seconds. But what the 7 seconds did for me was firm up the idea that I wasn’t capable of not telling them to shut the bleep up and clean their room right now, that I needed to say something like, “Hey, I’m agitated, and so are you, so maybe let’s revisit it in an hour. Go relax and do something you want to do for awhile.”
That space was huge. It also telegraphs that you are looking for serene, thoughtful solutions even if you’re not capable of them in the moment. When I told one of my kids that I felt like barking at her but wasn’t going to, she nodded her head and walked off. I could see that she appreciated that I cared enough to just do nothing, and that’s something almost everybody appreciates.
The whole thing worked very well, and nobody ever said, “Hurry up, give me your opinion right now.” That’s one of the myths of pausing in conversations, with texts, with emails… the idea that you need to respond now. Yes, we live in a world that moves faster than ever, especially with a cell phone in everybody’s pocket. But that’s a feeling more than a fact—I didn’t have any situations where pausing ended up being problematic.
And perhaps the biggest thing I realized was that in my most tense moments of trying to implement it, the biggest benefit to pausing for 7 seconds is realizing at the end of the 7 seconds that I needed to pause for 7 minutes or 7 hours or 7 days. And people were fine with that! Even when my wife asked me for input on a decision that we needed to make by the end of that day, I was able to convey to her that I cared so much about it that I wanted to contemplate it for an hour or so. People like that—they want to be heard and considered, and the 7-second plan actually went a long way toward conveying that care and attention.
The one area where I might need a little more 7-second work? Driving. I’m at .7 seconds per pause… but I’m working on it!
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
QUESTION: How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?
ANSWER: We'll have to call a group conscience and get back to you on that.
(Credit: Grapevine, by Sheri B of Mililani, Hawaii, January 2008)
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