If you want to subscribe to LOL Sober, hit the purple button below. I’m mostly publishing free pieces but I am hoping to generate a few bucks to pay for my web site and some other costs. Paid subscribers do have access to frequent premium pieces—such as THIS comedy special about my 10 favorite addiction/sobriety jokes!
Did you know QTIPs are not supposed to go into your ears? Like, not at all. The manufacturer says you can clean around the outside of your ears, but not inside. And the main use, apparently, is supposed to be for applying or removing makeup.
Interesting, huh? Has anybody else spent at least 40 years destroying your ear drums with a product you thought was supposed to clean those same ear drums?
Today, I’m actually more interested in the acronym, QTIP: Quit Taking It Personally. That phrase comes up quite a bit in recovery, but I’ve heard many others outside the rooms use it, too.
The idea of not taking things personally certainly isn’t new, and we throw that phrase around a lot. If you think about the past five times you’ve been really upset, I bet all five on some level involve taking something too personal. But it’s worth a deeper look.
First, let me just say that sometimes people do things or say things are personal insults and those insults sting, and that’s okay. I’ve spoken about how valuable the book The Four Agreements has been for me, and one of the agreements is to not take things personally ever. An example in the book is that you should never take a single thing personally, even if someone punches you in the face.
Uh, okay, I guess I understand the value of not taking things personally in that instance. But come on… let me say for the record that if you punch me in the face, it will be taken personally, and there will be a punch coming back at you. So even though I get that not taking things personally is valuable almost all the time, I also think if someone punches you or says, “You’re fat and ugly, and I wish I could kick your dog,” well, I’m sorry, that’s pretty personal. If it hurts, I think that’s human. To not ever take a single thing personally seems like an AI nightmare. I just don’t know that I even want to try for 100 percent success rate in that regard. I’d be more robot than person.
Secondly, I think it’s worth everybody sitting with the question, what do I think taking something personally means? And is there a difference between taking something personally and taking something TOO personal? I think there is. If you get a little pissy because you’re sitting at a red light and the light turns green and the guy behind you immediately lays on the horn, is that taking it personal? I’d say yes, and I don’t know if that’s problematic. When I get feedback on a work project, or reminded that I keep leaving the toilet seat up, that is personal information that might sting a little bit. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, and I actually think it’s a good thing to be receptive to reasonable feedback and adjust because you don’t want it to happen again.
The issue, of course, is when that driver honks and you scream back and begin hiring a hitman to wipe the guy out. That, to me, is taking things too personal. That usually means that that honk got right past my shields and cut right into my self esteem. That’s not good—that’s where QTIP really helps me. Quit. Taking. It. Personally.
The third thing is, how do I QTIP? It’s a great acronym. But how do I actually quit taking stuff personal? I have two solutions, and both require work.
One is, do esteemable things. My self esteem is high when I am doing things that build up my self worth. I was part of a group of sober people who took a meal into a homeless shelter this past weekend, and it’s among the most worthwhile, fulfilling acts of service I have ever done in my life. It’s hard for a horn honk to rattle me to my core right now.
The other thing that is very helpful for me is to figure out the action stuff that breaks the cycle of feeling wounded from something. Let’s say you get shitty feedback on a work project and it cuts you deeply. My tendency is to sit on the couch and stew, or sometimes call somebody else from work and vent. I find that to be incredibly unproductive—it just solidifies the loop I am going to be stuck in for the next eight hours.
But there are other action things that do help bust up that cycle of rumination. Praying for someone you’re mad at almost always works for me. Going for walks helps. Running really helps me—it’s almost like difficult movement helps digest resentments. Finding some piece of engrossing entertainment can sometimes pull me out of taking something too personal—a book, a podcast, a movie, a football game. Meetings and calls with sober friends often work their magic on me taking things too personally.
At the end of the day, I have to be able to find a way to live where the most important part of my self-worth is my opinion of myself, not others. And that means not taking things from the outside world as devastating blows to my self esteem.
Hopefully you got something out of this. And if not, I won’t take it personally.
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
Walking up to his friend’s house, a fellow noticed his buddy’s dog lying in the driveway, whining. So when his pal answered the door, he asked, “What’s wrong with your dog?”
“Nothing,” explained the buddy, “he’s just lying on a sharp rock.”
“Why doesn’t he move then?” asked the fellow.
“I guess he’s more like me than I realized,” the friend answered. “The rock doesn’t hurt enough yet to make him move, just enough to make him whine.”
(Credit: AA Grapevine, June 2001, Larry M. from Spoke, Washington)
Please spread the word to a sober friend! Find me on Substack… or Twitter… or Facebook… or Instagram… or YouTube. And introducing my web site, LOLsober.com.
