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We just celebrated Father’s Day at my house, and I gotta say, I think it might have been my favorite one I’ve ever had. We didn’t really do anything mind-blowing, but my kids said very personal things to me and gave me very personal things. It felt like the sign of relationships that go much deeper than surface level, and I am proud of that. They know me, and I know them.
It reminded me of my first sober Father’s Day, back in 2009. It was an awesome, refreshing day, because holidays had been such a disaster for me in the past. I always took the opportunity on a day like Father’s Day to get completely out of control drunk or high because I knew I probably wasn’t going to get yelled at on my birthday or Father’s Day. It was MY day, guys, so I will projectile vomit wherever I want and however many times I want!
I remember on Father’s Day 2009 that I made a lot of phone calls to my sober network—probably 5-7 people. I wanted to express gratitude, and most of them were fathers, too. And I remember one conversation very vividly because I said something along the lines of, “It’s days like this that make sobriety worth it. This is why I push so hard to stay sober—for my wife and kids.”
I sensed some hesitation on the other end of the line, so I inquired why. I remember the guy being very cautious and gentle, but eventually saying something to me about how once you’ve been sober for awhile, you can’t stay sober for something else. You can’t stay sober for your wife, your husband, your kids, your job, to make more money, to get your parole officer off your ass. His point was that you have to figure out the higher power thing, and then use that to stay sober because you want to be sober.
I was confused by that. Aren’t kids a pretty damn good reason to get sober? Isn’t being a good husband a good reason to get sober? He said yes, but pushed me to think about what happens if a sober person gets the thing they want—the house, the job, the parole, the wife… what then? What’s the driving force behind your sobriety then?
I had to let that seed grow for awhile but I eventually understood what he meant, and I have seen that in sobriety. When I used to chair meetings in New York City, I’d routinely have people who needed you to sign their card after a meeting to indicate they’d attended. I remember getting to know a few guys pretty well for a month or so, filling out their card every meeting, and then I remember filling out the last line for a guy… and I never saw him again. He had done his 25 or 30 12-step meetings as mandated by a court, and he was gone. That was the one thing keeping him coming to meetings. It made me a little sad, but it strengthened my resolve to find a purpose in sobriety other than getting people off my ass.
I think I got to a good place. I don’t stay sober these days because anybody else wants me to. I want to be sober because I’ve seen how much better life is. That includes joyous days like Father’s Day.
Let me end with some straight talk, though. I think the day after Father’s Day might be one of the bumpiest days of the year for me. As an addict, when everybody is nice to you and giving you gifts and taking your suggestions with no questions asked, it feels like more is better, so I wake up the next morning thinking every day should be Father’s Day. And it definitely is not. I have three kids, two of whom are teenagers, and they got up the next day and were just regular old teenagers again. Which meant they went back to ignoring me and thinking I am the lamest person on Earth.
So yeah… only 361 days till Father’s Day 2023. But who’s counting?
This newsletter is a place of joy and laughter about the deadly serious business of sobriety. So, as I will often do, let me close with a joke:
On their first date, a man asked his companion if she'd like a drink.
"Oh, no. What would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said.
Later, he offered her a cigarette and again she declined: "What would I tell my Sunday school class?"
On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.
"Okay," she said.
"What will you tell your Sunday school class?" he asked, shocked.
"The same thing I always tell them: 'You don't have to drink or smoke to have a good time.'"
(Credit: AA Grapevine, from David R. of Arlington, Texas, October 2008)
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